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TW: CSA
I come from a very wealthy family. On the face of it, my family is perfect. Everyone believes my father is a feminist. A very supportive father. What they don’t know is that my father is a narcissist and a pedophile. He sexually abused me for years till I told my mum. Then it stopped. He values his public image way too much. He’s scared I/ my mum will create a public ruckus.Both of us know that no one is going to believe us so while I & my mother have cut him off completely at home (we’ve divided our house), there isn’t anything else we can do. He also continues paying for us because he’s scared we’ll go ruin his public image. I have no evidence against him, because the abuse didn’t involve penetration. I & my mum are both financially dependent on him. My mum comes from a very patriarchal and regressive family. My father managed to isolate her so much that she has no friends too. However, my mum has ensured he never puts a finger on me. She listens to me, tries her best to keep me happy, takes classes to help me deal with my issues psychologically. I also live in a country where law enforcement will not do anything for me. I have also not been in a position to seek real therapy. I will, once I am financially independent. But because I have been severely traumatised, I haven’t been able to do much for myself. I wasted a lot of years of my life. Went to college but kept failing. Didn’t have friends. Couldn’t find a job. Couldn’t go for low paying jobs because no one wanted to hire the daughter of such a wealthy man for small jobs. Continued studying. Failed repeatedly, still found the strength to reappear for exams again and again. Finally graduated college.
Then, one fine day, my life changed.
I met a great guy. Kind, loving, great listener, disciplined, ambitious etc etc. He comes from a loving and a wealthy family. A few years older than me. He put in a hell lot of effort to woo me. And I gave in. We love each other immensely. He brought up marriage but I told him I valued my education and financial independence immensely and until I achieve both of that, marriage is a no for me, irrespective of how long it takes. He fully agreed, understood and said he would wait. He has waited, patiently and kindly. In the 2 years of knowing each other, we’ve both helped each other grow professionally and personally. He encouraged me to pick up my hobbies again. He pushed me to do all the things that he felt would make me happy. He also encouraged me to study what I really liked for my masters (and that also happens to be the same thing he’s studying for his masters). I shall be graduating in a few days and I will have a job in a month or 2, he will be graduating at the same time, he already has a great job offer which he is going to take up post graduation.
He recently brought up marriage again. He said he saw us spending a life together. I do too. I really really want to be with him. But I haven’t told him yet. I don’t know how to tell him I was sexually abused by my father for years when I was a child. He hasn’t met my father yet (I haven’t let him come home). He knows there’s something wrong between us (Me & my dad) because he knows I don’t talk to him, and my boyfriend has always been very kind whenever I tell him my family sucks (without giving him context). I also have a feeling that he knows I was sexually abused. He is very protective. He’s doesn’t tolerate inappropriate behaviour at all. Definitely not towards women. He is very fond of children (he also runs a foundation that helps educate children from poor families who can’t afford to pay for school). He’s very vocal about how rapists and pedophiles must be prosecuted and launches into a whole rant about how pedophiles must be stoned to death etc when he listens to cases of pedophilia. If there’s only one social cause he could actively protest against, it would be pedophilia. He’s feels that strongly about it. I don’t know how to tell him his own girlfriend has been a victim.
He knows my father is abusive. He just doesn’t know what abuse. So far I have told him my father physically assaulted my mum. But I know my boyfriend can sense there is more to that. I’ve also told him that since my mum is old and is not financially independent, I will be providing for her financially and that she will have to live near our house wherever we live post marriage. He agreed wholeheartedly and told me not to worry about it. ‘’Your mum is like my mum, I don’t mind providing for her too, you chill”, he said. His actions have always matched his words, so I know he will.
But, he wants to know my story. I don’t know how to tell him, or even if I should. I don’t want to go to law enforcement, I know that isn’t the right thing to do, but I am selfish, I don’t want to put myself through the torture of going to law enforcement and dealing with people saying that I’m lying. Also my father is old, might very well be dead in a few years (and I really hope that happens fast). I just want to be financially independent, get therapy, get me and my mum out of this miserable life, and start a new family. What do I do? Do I stick to the story that my father domestically abused my mum and that is why I am traumatised? Or should I tell him the truth? While my boyfriend is a great person now, what if he changes as a person later on and uses my story against me? What precautions can I use to ensure I stay happy post marriage? Also, I don’t think I’m ready to tell him right now, should I wait until after marriage?
Ps: Please note that I will be seeking proper therapy immediately after I get a job. My boyfriend knows that I plan to do this and has been very supportive about this too. I & my mum will go no contact with my father the moment I get a job.
Also, in these 2 years, my boyfriend has not given me 1 reason to doubt him or his intentions. He has been a big bright green flag, but given how awful my life has been so far I never fully trust anybody because I don’t know what the future holds for me. Yet, I feel terribly guilty at the thought of hiding such an important thing from him.
TL;DR: Father sexually abused me as a child, should I tell this to HVM boyfriend who is proposing marriage, or not?
you don't.
never, ever, for the love of god, tell a man about the abuse you have experienced, ever.
"oh but he's HV, he's a good man."
good men are just men who choose not to harm you everyday. they can still choose differently at any time and you probably won't see it coming.
even in a relationship built on trust, there is a limit to how vulnerable you can be. don't give him the ammunition. people can hurt you badly even when it's not their intention.
Man will treat you only a little better than what he believes is the worst treatment you will tolerate. There's a reason why, after their girlfriend confessed she was raped, moids will try to do the same thing to her that her rapist did. There's a reason that if a man sees raped woman, he's more likely to rape her and leave her to die instead of helping her.
Personally, I don’t believe one ever needs to share such details. With men, I’ve found, details like that will (not “can and will”, simply “will”) be used against you so it’s best to just not disclose. He doesn’t need to know everything about your past.
First off: I’m so sorry your father abused you. What a horrible thing to do to a child - it would have been traumatic just seeing your mother abused already, but your father went above and beyond to harm you and your mother. It’s clear he doesn’t see either of you as individuals but rather as property.
As for when/if to tell your bf about the abuse…
I went through this internal struggle around the 2-year mark in my relationship. I started to feel like I had to tell my bf about my abusive ex and what I went through. Instead, I told my therapist and received support from the trained and experienced professional that she is.
From my own experiences as well as what I’ve read from researchers on the topic - it’s unfortunately just not a good idea to share this deep trauma with a man you are dating. It will alter their perspective on you, and many men will use this information as a primer on how to treat you (what you put up with once, they think you will put up with again).
Wait until you are married and he has a strong picture of you in his mind. You can slowly (verrryyyyy slowly) feed him crumbs of information about your past, but I would focus on the other forms of abuse and speak in more general terms as you have been already. Speak up about how repulsive pedophiles are and don’t hold back about your feelings about child abusers. Ensure that you also talk up your ability to recognize red flags and act on them quickly, speak about your boundaries and how strong they are, and about how you know exactly what you won’t put up with in partnership/marriage. That you have always wanted to take your mother away from this and create your dream life for yourself and her.
Wait until you feel EXTREMELY secure in the relationship and with the way your partner views you, enough that whatever you say to him will only showcase your strengths in overcoming your childhood trauma. Then, and only then, would it be safe to share this information with him.
Tldr; he doesn’t need to know all the details, ever. Only share many years in when you’re super secure in the knowledge that he will only treat you better after sharing this vulnerability. BF sounds like a good man, so he should understand why you didn’t share this sensitive information any sooner. He has no “right” to know this about you, but it will be a privilege to know you deeper when you feel safe to let him in like that.