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I had to think about this one, but once I did, it made sense.
I have a little bit out outside pressure to try to settle down, and that's from sources I've already deemed to be not in my best interest. (Ex family, religious friends).
But there's still this huge internal push telling me to be worth something to someone else. I'm losing weight, and learning coding and I HATE it because I'm the only person benefitting.
So, not only is my ego saying I should have a dude or even check because I'm youngish, attractive and somewhat motivated, but that part of my ego is also willing to enslave somebody else based on my perceived value of myself.
And in contrast to my ego, I feel as though my skills and body should benefit another person. So like, totally missing the middle ground where I just enjoy myself.
In the past, building myself up to benefit other people DID work, but I don't want to do that.
How do I just move forward and be happy to just exist without making a bunch of artificial hoops to jump through?
Perhaps if external motivation is what you need, maybe you could attach these habits to some goal where other people hold you accountable, or to work towards something you've always wanted. Train for a fitness competition. Learn coding for a better job to pay for a solo trip to wherever by next summer. Strangely, if you go about things indirectly, sometimes it's more effective than approaching it head on or doing something just for the sake of it. Hopefully that helps.
I feel you on this. That pressure—both from others and yourself—is a trap. You’re out here leveling up, but instead of enjoying it, you’re stuck feeling like it only matters if someone else benefits? Nah, that’s your ego tricking you. You’re not just "worth something" when someone else validates it. Maybe you just need to have fun without overthinking—try casual dating, meet people with zero expectations. Something like sex meet could be a chill way to explore. Good luck!
People may not like to hear this, but there's nothing wrong if you think you actually want a partner; what you simply need to watch out for are scrotes. (Not always easy to do if they're wearing the proverbial mask)