I'm trying to help a pick-me friend....

She had a HORRIBLE childhood. Her stepdad r**** her when she was a teen, and her mom demonized her when she told anyone, and it wasn't until years later, when the other sibling got attacked that anyone even believed her. She developed a drug problem. She's with a dude who I personally LIKE, but is a HORRIBLE choice for dating.... He's not emotionally open with her, and spends all his time "doing" stuff. (aries) They fight nonstop, like, full-on screaming fights because she feels so unloved, and I think he actually does love her as much as a male can love a woman, but I'm really the only person she will break down in front of and let in. I'm not "stuck" holding her while she's crying. I'm straight, and I'm not perving on her, but when I see her, and we get to talking, she almost always ends up crying, and I'm soothing her and holding her like HE should be doing. Once in a while is okay, but I want to fix this somehow. I'm helping her move her stuff to her new place this weekend, and I really just want to be able to say the right things to her, and I really don't know where to start. Edit: I guess I'm just at a loss. I don't want to give her bad advice, or even advice she's not ready for. She's not a lost cause, and the other day she just broke down crying because people in this world are so cruel to each other, and she just wants everyone to get along. She's that fucking innocent.

7 answers0 replies

Comments (7)

OhKay

Nov 08, 2023

Stop trying to fix her and expending so much energy on someone else.

The best way to motivate is by example.

Millennialpink2k

Nov 08, 2023

Is she moving because she broke up with him?

Unknown member

Nov 08, 2023

Replying to

Unfortunately, no. I honestly don't think she's capable of being single right now, and he's the best guy around. If she seemed more ready to be alone, I'd TELL her to break up with him... But he does EVERYTHING for her.

Millennialpink2k

Nov 08, 2023

Replying to

Based on the last sentence of your post edit, I get the sense she's emotionally exhausted, which makes it hard to see things clearly and not be impacted by the troubles of the world.

Maybe encouraging her to spend the holiday season tending to herself to boost her resistance to the world would do the trick? That could include reading self-help books (I can recommend a few), not giving her energy to others and focusing on her own needs. Once she's in a better mental space, she might be more receptive to hearing your thoughts and feedback without taking it negatively or personally. And hopefully the self-care will give her a sense of clarity re. her relationships etc

Edited

Unknown member

Nov 09, 2023

Replying to

This is actually the response I needed. I know you can't save everyone, but I knew this would happen with her, where she'd let me in. I'm her only female friend who lives by myself, and she tried to do that at first, but backfired into relying on more people. I'll just keep trying softly.

Leveled Up

Nov 10, 2023

She's crying at the cruelty of the world, which tells me she is so traumatized, that she's turned it into an unhealthy level of empathy. I was this person years ago. It's a great way to distract yourself from the pain of trauma. It also shows that she is overwhelmed by the cruelty she's experienced in life. ❤️‍🩹

Self compassion may be a great starting place for her, to gain empathy for herself. Kristin Neff's book Self Compassion was very helpful to me (free at the library & her website has almost everything too!), and her meditations are really healing too (free online).

Link to her site: https://self-compassion.org

I hope she gets therapy. 💔EMDR helped me. Thanks for being such a kind friend.

Edited

PyrophyteHeart

Nov 10, 2023

All men are evil. 😡

I'm trying to help a pick-me friend....

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