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I don't let men I'm dating know about my actual hobbies.

Because they will try to gatekeep things they don't even KNOW about.

I'm trying to code websites, for example, and dudes who have NEVER coded ANYTHING try to talk down to me under the guise of helping.

I think if I were married, I'd just keep a double life so they can't suck the life out of me for their own ego.

Had a guy get mad at me for knowing how to change my own car battery.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not a tomboy, I love makeup, shows for the girls and things they can't typically barge in on. But things I'm actually interested in, they treat like a competition. I really can't stand most male personalities.

If a guy was into doing peoples' makeup, I wouldn't barge in and tell him how to do makeup that he's been doing for decades, or whatever.

There have been a few dudes who actually wanted to bond over similar interests, but most of them really think I don't have an actual personality.

14 answers0 replies

Comments (14)

Basically Lily Munster 🖤

I personally would tell them. If he's the type to feel entitled to gatekeep something I love, I'd WANT to know early on so I could dump him! 😂😡

Besides, men already act like women are too boring to have hobbies. It's not my job to correct that but I am tired of hearing this so I actually kind of enjoy showing off my girly hobbies.

I respect your decision, but I thought I'd offer another perspective.

Unknown member

Replying to

No, that's cool. I appreciate the input!

I guess I was just coming from the assumption that literally all men will tear my hobbies apart if they can...

Unknown member

Lol...is this an opportunity? Like planting a fake insecurity to see if they'll use it against you? Fake a crafting hobby and see if he becomes Martin Stuart? 🤭

Unknown member

Replying to

No, it's the opposite, but that sounds funny.

They call planting a fake insecurity a blood in the water test. Tell a male something you're fake insecure about to see if he bullies you about it. They mostly will.

FlameThrower

Replying to

Martin Stuart!!! 🤣 most of them would, in fact, become Martin Stuart if you did this IME. I think it's a good tool.

Men competing with women on any front is really something to watch out for, though. They need to get back into the arena of competing with other males. They compete with us because they perceive us as weaker and generally hate us. It's also easier for them to win since they are so skeevy and the whole world bows down to them. Further, I think males in their lives have thrown them out of the male compeition arena or they just could never win against them, so they focus on competing with women instead....

It's a sign of a weak ass man.

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LearningtoFight&Love

This is well written I have nothing to add rather than my ex and I got into surfing together but he would get so competitive with me and downright reckless in the water with me that I was and constantly felt unsafe. And therefore I never went surfing. As soon as we broke up I was surfing all the time

FlameThrower

Replying to

Yep! I had an ex do similar things with snowboarding... like placing me on double blacks when I wasn't ready.

I read a short, autobiographical story once by a girl who did city bike rides with her boyfriend... he was incredibly reckless about it and eventually actually tried pushing or squeezing her into a semi. Like he kept getting so close that she had to veer closer to the semi on her left. He kept pushing until she almost hit the semi and then the road opened up enough for her to have space. He knew these roads and routes at this point. It was calculated... This story always stuck with me.

All I know through personal occurrences and other things I have read and observed is that men who want to compete with us are DANGEROUS. It has rang true every time in my life.

If you think about it... what kind of man wants to compete with his woman? A weak one. A dangerous one. An angry one. One who already has an underlying hatred for women in general. It doesn't matter what he is competing about at the start. It always grows into other things.

Men like this are nothing to take lightly at all.

Edited

FlameThrower

The worst men I've dated took everything I liked or was knowledgeable about and turned it into a pissing match between us AND/OR they then took the knowledge I gave them and flourished with it/used it to up their life or screw me over somehow.

It's absolutely insufferable behavior and a major red flag/deal breaker for me now. I do keep my hobbies and stuff close to my chest now, though. These things should be separate from them but something I had to learn is so should the "talking" about it.

I'd also act like I've never changed a battery, etc. in my life so he would have to do it every time. 😂

I can't remember which book on the FDS reading list suggests that, but they gave the example of a woman who was a good cook but never let her husband know that (so she didn't end up slaving behind a stove).

Men don't really fall in love with "personalities" and neither should we. We should be in love only with how useful a man actually is to us. Personalities are for our teenage years or something. It's for Disney. It's not very realistic.

Edited

Queen

I remember years ago I had something I held close to my chest, and a guy (not a romantic interest, but a friend of a friend i was spending time with at the time) wanted to know about it.

He really suffered bad with my rejection of his invitation to 'give his professional opinion/insight' on the topic. He pushed and pushed and I refused.

Later, our mutual friends came down on ME because poor victim couldn't take no for an answer and had his feeling hurt 🙄. As though I was cruel and my boundaries mattered none? They changed their opinion on me after that, and I changed mine on them too, sadly. I had held them in high regard but this was a blaring red alarm! Would they act the same way if he wanted something other than info form me and I said no?

FFS.

I'm SO glad I didn;t share with him.

Thank you for this reminder.

Not Today

They are pretty much ********, is the conclusion I have come to. Their egos are so incredibly fragile it can be hard to guess what will set them off. Had this happen over wood working and the idiot was constantly nay-saying my projects and then got mad that I took a professional's advice more seriously than him... He is a hobby carpenter as well and guess what, we're both learning from the same online sources. The big difference between us is he has an irrational fear of doing it wrong, again projecting fragile ego problems.

LearningtoFight&Love

I’m sorry I haven’t even read the post yet but I LOL’d so hard just reading the title because the feeling is just all too real. 😂😂

Unknown member

Why are you so concerned over what a man thinks of your pastimes?

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-1

Unknown member

Replying to

I see what you're saying, like, ultimately we shouldn't care either way, and I agree.

The only reason I'm concerned in this case is because once in a while, I do enjoy dating in a social sense, but bringing up my actual hobbies has almost never gone well.

But honestly, I should save those interests for girlfriends.

FlameThrower

Replying to

We care because knowing the games males play with us is half the battle. It's not "concern for what they think." It's us dodging a bullet by learning about the GAMES they pull.

Ie. The more we share our collective experiences with the ongoing crap they pull, the better chance we have at avoiding it.

Case in point... there's no reason to share our hobbies with them. They'll use them against us. Why wouldn't we want to know this stuff, collectively?

I don't let men I'm dating know about my actual hobbies.

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