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I used to have a friend. Let's call him Adam. He and I grew up in the same circles and always had a platonic relationship.
Several years ago, I was hanging out with Adam and his friend, whom I'll call Brett. The three of us were having a quiet get-together at a local bar.
Brett sexually assaulted me at the bar without warning. I considered calling the police but decided against it. Adam witnessed the assault, and when we talked about it, Adam sided automatically with Brett, saying things such as:
"Well, you do look really good tonight."
"Brett tried this with a woman at another bar, and it worked for him that time."
"Brett's going through a hard time with his divorce."
I decided to end my friendship with Adam right then and there. I provided no explanation or warning, did not coMmuNIcAte, and blocked his number.
Fast-forward several years: I ran into Adam at an event in our city. He looked as friendly as ever, and I felt bad for ending the friendship without giving him a chance to redeem himself. To avoid speaking to him, I hid in the bathroom.
A small part of me wants to reach out to Adam and explain why I ghosted him, possibly make amends. Aside from the incident, he had always been a supportive friend. He and I have mutual acquaintances, so I may very well run into him again at social events.
Can you ladies give me strength and advice?
Men's fake niceness is a predatory play on your empathy, guilt and emotions. They do horrendous things and then act like nothing happened. He KNOWs Sis. HE KNOWS. Intermittent niceness mixed in with toxicity and abusive behaviour such as defending a sexual predator that think women deserve to be violated for what they wear is sign of a misogynist abuser. As much as my ex male friends were LV, they would have all supported me calling the police and protected me in this situation.
Do not pass go. Do not coMOOOOnicate sh!t! Good thing you hid. Your body guided you in the right direction when you saw him.
This man is dangerous! He saw you get assaulted and didn't help you or try to stop it! He was never your friend! DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Also, I don't mean this in a judgemental way but why do you feel you need to "make amends"? You did nothing wrong. You should not have to explain to a grown man why making excuses for abusers is not ok. He should know that. SA is a crime after all!
He didn't advocate for you. If he was a woman he'd be a pick me for sure
NO!!
He threw you under the bus by siding with someone who ASSAULTED you. It's in times of need that you can see someone's true colours. He showed his.
You hid in that bathroom as that was the right thing to do. Trust yourself.
You cut him out, and that was the right thing to do. Keep trusting in yourself, you know what's best for you.
If and when these 2 rapists try to assault you again, you will be blamed for reaching out.
People will ask you, "Well why did you reach out to the friend if your friend was against you previously?"
How could having this rapist supporter in your life possibly benefit you?
He sided with the rapist because he's done it too. They're both rapists. He should have defended you. Any normal person would defend you. His little wishy-washy rape apologies and excuses for the assaulter are BULLSHIT. That is NOT how you deserve to be treated. You deserve to protected, cherished, and honored with basic respect.
I was in a similar situation. The friend of my rapist had seemed like a really good guy, but ultimately he took my rapists's side. It took me a long, long time -- years -- to realize it's because he's just a rapist too.
Abort. Abort. 🚨
No you need to stay away. If he tried to justify why someone sexually assaulted you, he doesn't have your best interest at heart. It means he doesn't see it as wrong. I wouldn't count him as a safe person to be around. Dressing well looking good or having good genetics has nothing to do with 'asking for it' looking that good. Do you sexually assault women who look good? or men?
Sadly I can empathize with what you're going through since I have many male childhood friends. I'm gonna try to share my perspective on this.
First, you did the right thing terminating the friendship.
Secondly, it is also completely normal that you might miss the friendship, because... well, that's how attachment works. So you need to take some time to grieve the loss of something you once cherished.
It is way too easy to assume that constant reminders of men's suckiness are enough to stay on track. But sadly often they're not. Because people aren't all black and white, and you might have felt supported and loved in some instances, while being completely disrespected in others. This happens a lot with male friends who can be thoughtful at times but are otherwise incapable of betraying the code of male alliance (which seems to be the case of your friend).
That's why cognitive dissonance has to be expected with men. And it is very tempting to oversimplify all of it by painting all as "bad". This might work in keeping you away from them, but in the long run isn't functional to your healing and keep you stuck. There's a grieving process to go through even with LVM. It is not for them, it's for you. You care about this person, but he isn't aligned with your values and he isn't capable of accepting the female perspective. Classic men stuff. It's ok to recalibrate the boundaries. We can't live by people who makes us doubt ourselves all the time, regardless if they do it in bad or good faith.
As for your friend, he hasn't reached out so he is probably ok with the status quo just like you are. So you have no reasons for feeling guilty. If he wanted to he would. If he wanted to try to understand your point of view, try to empathize with you beyond his male worldview, he would have asked you. He would have wanted to fix it, but he didn't. You can let it go.
“Brett tried this with a woman at another bar, and it worked for him that time.” I would count this encounter as a sign from the universe that you should report Brett. Even if he doesn’t see the repercussions, it should be on the record to stand as an alibi for the next woman.
I'm not being unkind but, WHAT? HUH?
This sounds like a Reddit "relationship advice" thread where it is abundantly clear how bad of an asshole the man is and yet the woman has to ask if she's in the wrong.