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My backstory:
I got my first job when I was 15. From ages 15 to 18, I worked at that job after school and on weekends. I didn’t make much money, but I received a biweekly paycheck.
My parents come from an East Asian culture in which all ownership is communal within a family. This meant even though we lived in the U.S., I was not allowed to keep the money I earned (according to my dad). I handed all my paychecks to my dad because he required me to do so from the beginning.
One time, I asked timidly if I could start keeping some of my paychecks, and he straight-up told me, “You are not allowed to save your own money. Everything you earn I will keep for you.”
His authoritarian attitude gave me a sense of cold dread, and I was too scared to ask again.
I was too young to know about financial abuse, but that’s what it was.
We weren’t poor, and my dad did not need my money. It was all about control, never the money. It was about making me submit everything I had to him, whether I wanted to or not.
Looking back, I should have fought harder for my money, even if it was often less than $100 a paycheck. By standing up for my money and challenging my dad, I could have taken a step towards learning to advocate for myself. I didn’t get to take that crucial step, and I suffered for it for many years. In a way, I’m still suffering.
My advice to the younger ladies:
Never let anyone strongarm or manipulate you into giving them your money under the guise of “safekeeping” or “investing”. 100% of the time, the person who wants your money has no intention of giving it back.
Often, it’s not about the dollar amount. It’s about refusing to be taken advantage of and building up the self-esteem to stand up for yourself in every aspect of your life.
P.S. My dad also would not let me keep my passport until I was almost 30. He did not need my passport. All he wanted was control. But that’s a story for another time.
If you are an adult, and someone refuses to give you your passport, then they are committing a crime, at least in the U.S. Know your rights, ladies.
Daughters of immigrant parents (especially fathers) go throughout something else... Feminist discuss whether patriarchy in the old sense still exists in western societies, but if you're from an immigrant family it's almost certain that old style patriarchy exists (to different degrees but it is there) so many tips and ideas are difficult to apply. Sometimes you have to wait until you're of age, until your parents get older, or you have to rebel in more subtle ways, doesn't matter if other people don't understand as long as you keep moving towards freedom. But yeah, being "assertive" and saying "I feel hurt when..." won't work with foreign fathers. They have another level of dominion over their children especially daughters. So my tip would be don't accept a no but be careful and trust YOUR gut.