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My backstory:
I got my first job when I was 15. From ages 15 to 18, I worked at that job after school and on weekends. I didn’t make much money, but I received a biweekly paycheck.
My parents come from an East Asian culture in which all ownership is communal within a family. This meant even though we lived in the U.S., I was not allowed to keep the money I earned (according to my dad). I handed all my paychecks to my dad because he required me to do so from the beginning.
One time, I asked timidly if I could start keeping some of my paychecks, and he straight-up told me, “You are not allowed to save your own money. Everything you earn I will keep for you.”
His authoritarian attitude gave me a sense of cold dread, and I was too scared to ask again.
I was too young to know about financial abuse, but that’s what it was.
We weren’t poor, and my dad did not need my money. It was all about control, never the money. It was about making me submit everything I had to him, whether I wanted to or not.
Looking back, I should have fought harder for my money, even if it was often less than $100 a paycheck. By standing up for my money and challenging my dad, I could have taken a step towards learning to advocate for myself. I didn’t get to take that crucial step, and I suffered for it for many years. In a way, I’m still suffering.
My advice to the younger ladies:
Never let anyone strongarm or manipulate you into giving them your money under the guise of “safekeeping” or “investing”. 100% of the time, the person who wants your money has no intention of giving it back.
Often, it’s not about the dollar amount. It’s about refusing to be taken advantage of and building up the self-esteem to stand up for yourself in every aspect of your life.
P.S. My dad also would not let me keep my passport until I was almost 30. He did not need my passport. All he wanted was control. But that’s a story for another time.
If you are an adult, and someone refuses to give you your passport, then they are committing a crime, at least in the U.S. Know your rights, ladies.
Never give money to anyone. Not a parent,not a spouse, definitely not a boyfriend. With a spouse keep a seperate bank account for bills. Never give them access.
Daughters of immigrant parents (especially fathers) go throughout something else... Feminist discuss whether patriarchy in the old sense still exists in western societies, but if you're from an immigrant family it's almost certain that old style patriarchy exists (to different degrees but it is there) so many tips and ideas are difficult to apply. Sometimes you have to wait until you're of age, until your parents get older, or you have to rebel in more subtle ways, doesn't matter if other people don't understand as long as you keep moving towards freedom. But yeah, being "assertive" and saying "I feel hurt when..." won't work with foreign fathers. They have another level of dominion over their children especially daughters. So my tip would be don't accept a no but be careful and trust YOUR gut.
What motivated you to keep working if you didn't get to keep any of the money? Did you enjoy the job or the colleages or getting out of the house so much or were there other perks? I'm not judging, just genuinely curious.
My advice in these situations would be...
if it's possible: keep it a secret that you are working in the first place (tell them you are visiting friends, going to the gym, taking part in a school club etc. instead)
hide how much money you really make (e.g. give them a lower number so they'll only expect that amount, works especially well if you get paid in cash or receive tips in cash)
see if you can get other perks instead of money as payment (like store credit for groceries/products if you work in a store or free access to the services that are provided (I helped out in the stables in exchange for riding lessons as a teenager because my parents couldn't afford them and that even transitioned into a nicely paid side gig when I got older))
when I was in college, I was studying pre-nursing and a college friend was hosting me and driving me to and from summer classes with her. My narcissistic dad didn't like that. I was spending extended periods of time out of the house and not coddling my pickme mom from her emotional breakdown over a fight we had where I wanted to cut contact with them. He tried attacking me and tried choking me but I pushed him away and was going for HIS throat. I was 21-24 at the time. I didn't have a job nor worked a job because I was in college and my narcissistic parents weaponized any of us working in a similar way. They wanted complete control over the money, our schedules, our whereabouts. They sabotaged my older brothers job a lot too- making him late to work or locking doors to bathroom when he needed to wash up after work. Just generally making life difficult. I was entirely reliant on FAFSA.