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My friend has been married for almost a decade to a seemingly HV man. He has many HV traits: works hard, supports her and their child financially, attends to her and their child at all times, seems like an excellent dad, has a graduate degree and a solid job, does not look at other women or triangulate, always pays for us when we go out in a group, always well-behaved. They seem like a happy family.
But I find his vibe a little...threatening. He has never said an unkind word in front of me, but I get the feeling that in their relationship, whatever he says goes. I guess there's a sternness and inflexibility to his personality that I find low-key unsettling. It seems like he's the one in charge, and she follows along.
Is this an unhealthy dynamic?
I'd love to hear your input on whether or not you consider him HV.
I guess it comes down to boundaries (respectful) vs control (disrespectful). You might be sensing the vibe he could be controlling, but it could also just be his demeanour or that your friend prefers to not be “in charge”.
Abuse and toxic relationships can come in all shapes and forms, many can be hidden behind the veil of a seemingly happy healthy family.
Watch how he reacts when your friend “misbehaves” (if he disapproves of her acting outside of her “role”, then he does not see her as an authentic individual) or observe him during disagreements, stress, etc. Keep an eye on your friend’s wellbeing too- if she’s not flourishing, there’s a chance he’s dimming her light and her potential, which is LV.
Trust your perceptions. But that being said, what's high value to one woman might not be for the next. I think what matters most is how she truly feels about it.
Some people are willing to follow behind a leader as long as the value exchange is perceived as equal or the bigger picture is worth the sacrifices to them. While for others this dynamic is suffocating.
His wife (your friend) is the only one who really knows.
There’s a lot that goes on between a couple when no one is around.
Listen to her talk about the relationship. Sometimes it takes years for a woman to realize she’s being abused. We are all socialized to give men the benefit of the doubt and to put up with abuse.
If she’s happy and stays happy, I’d say it’s a good chance he’s HV. If she starts to question and doubt her life, he probably isn’t.
Seeming like a perfect family on the outside is what controllers main goal usually is. They are very insecure.
It would really depend on what you mean by "stern"? Like if he sees her as a mcbang maid it's not a good situation even if he does the bare minimum of providing.