Would any of you date a recovering addict?

Absolutely not. He needs to get his life together not get his dick wet. He has NO business dating when he's not been sober for at least a year and possibly longer. If you take him at his worst, he's gonna trade you in for a new model if he improves himself, and if not, he'll drag you to hell when he goes back to his addiction.

I'm sober (from alcohol) and I would not.

Not because I think all male addicts are terrible people, it's just a risk I'm not willing to take.

I go to women's AA meetings and all the ladies there build each other up and talk about real shit and are a family. The few times I've been to mixed gender AA, the men just complain about everything that has happened to them. So that's my bias when considering a hypothetical male addict and his mental/emotional energy.

Add to that the dangers of him relapsing and it's not worth it.

And if anyone didn't want to date me because I'm sober, I wouldn't be mad about that. It's a valid decision to minimize risk.

All that being said I do know two couples who met in AA, who as far as I can tell are happy and the men don't have any obvious LV qualities (apart from the past addiction). And I get why women in recovery might feel more understood dating others in recovery. So it's not something I'd say is 110% always a bad idea. But it is a risky one.

ETA: it is nice to have that understanding. I get that in my current partner because his father and sister both died of alcoholism. So he gets it, and hasn't ever really gotten into drinking because of that.

Absolutely not. My ex was sober when I dated him, but started back up years after we were married and had kids. I divorced him to protect my kids, then had to contend against a biased family court that simultaneously wouldn't let me protect them, but also blamed me for everything he put them through. No, no, no. Run away fast.

I did this. Don't do it. It is an entire lifestyle and culture unto itself. You'll find yourself living and breathing recovery this, recovery that, 12 steps, working a program, etc. That is their whole world. It is the only thing they ever do or talk about. Firstly, you'll end up restricting yourself from engaging in the normal activities that non-addicts do. Secondly, it is really, really boring. If you don't defer to his needs, you'll be accused of being selfish. Recovering addicts already have their own little bubble. The bubble sucks, let them have it.

Plus, his friends or former contacts may be dangerous. He may owe someone money, or bring you along when something dangerous happens or someone comes to collect. Just because someone's in recovery doesn't mean he's a good person. Plus, a lot of them say they're in recovery but they still use.

No. I would also not date anyone with any history of substance abuse (doesn't matter what it was and how long he has been clean). It's just not something I want in my life and not a risk I want to take.

No, If men can judge you on your body counts or past religionship then I can judge men for the sh!t they have done in the past. Men only change when their current bahvior doesn't benefit them and can switch back anytime.

Nope. Ten thousand times NOPE.

I find that a man (or woman, but men are the worst) will put you through the hell they're feeling because they think that might lessen it some. Plus, a man still in recovery is very apt to relapse. Let him work through it then revisit after he's proved he can manage his issues and stay sober.

Never.

I couldn't fully trust them and I'd be on the lookout for warnings of relapse

I don't date for love with men because they aren't capable.

So, why would I date a broken provider?

If he's not wealthy asf and out of my social class, I'm not doing it. The world doesn't need more nuclear families with shitty genes from women making dudes jump through hoops.

There are enough low-class, basic White chicks.

Dating an addict has no benefit in any situation, because once they recover, they'll think they're hot shit. And they're more likely to beat you up and take your money than actually recover.

I want dudes like that to overdose so they can't rape anybody.

Absolutely not. We're not Barbara the builder here. Have you read the handbook? I know it seems like a lot, but those rules are for your own personal wellbeing and safety.

Are you referring to alcohol addiction, illicit drug addiction, or both? It's no for both for me. Men who struggle with addiction often have other issues (e.g. living in poverty, unemployment, coming from an abusive family, having friends who are addicts, being into casual sex, having STIs, etc.).

Hijacking, sorta, for a moment --

I recenty listened to an excellent (and harrowing) podcast called "The 13th Step" which talks about 12-step programs, how they were originally designed by men, for men, and how they are often not a good fit for women. The narrative is that you MUST do a 12-step program or else you absolutely will relapse and die -- but there are many women who have done their own recovery journey outside of AA and have thrived -- and women who have been in 12-step programs who have had terrible things happen to them. Of course I have to say "Not All Programs Are Like This" but this podcast really opened up my eyes to the risks for women (which, of course, are not risks for men).

No. Addiction is a long and difficult battle, and for most it's a lifelong issue. I elect not to date someone who needs to instead set up a team of specialists--doctors, therapists, and professionals in rehab--to ever truly recover. He should not be entering a relationship that will inevitably bring issues and trigger episodes.

Not to mention, the bulk of all of the work and emotional burden will fall on the "gf," even though that will NOT work, and then she will be stressed out, working tirelessly to help him, and then blamed. Both will be far worse off.

I only date men who are ready to date. Except we don't usually know until deep into vetting because of how well they hide. An addiction, luckily, is not long hid and is one of the few issues that's obvious and easily avoided. Avoid the easier to see red flags first and practice Blocking immediately when the non-obvious ones emerge. This is the best advice I can give and is the FDS-aligned method.

I think it depends on what level of recovery they are in, and also probably just generally depends on how the person presents themselves and the context of everything all together...but I'd say ultimately no.

My uncle is a recovering alcoholic and has been for about 40, 50 years now. He takes his sobriety very seriously and he has turned his life around tremendously. Is he a perfect man? No. I think there is a reason that he never remarried after his alcoholism caused his divorce. Reasons that, even if I met someone similar to him, I might avoid. He seems to have addressed most of his issues that caused his original problem, and he does have a higher level of self awareness than I encounter with other male alcoholics and addicts. However, I think he does still have some issues with intimacy and how he views women when it comes to sex and dating. Also, as much as I love him, as nice as he is and looks out for me (we are very close since him and my father were twins), the advice he's given me, the things he's helped me out with, the way he is like a second father to me...he does have some social oddities/quirks. Not sure how to describe it other than sometimes he's awesome, and sometimes he's a little inconsistent. Retreats from the world for a bit. My understanding is although he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in decades (refuses to even eat desserts made with it, won't use mouthwash with it in it, won't even drink a mocktail) sometimes he might have periods of time where those voices are little bit louder and he needs to spend a lot more time focussing on himself, being a little more inward, etc. to remain focused on sobriety.

Ultimately, idk if I would do it. I think the man would have to show himself to be exceptional, and would have to be a few years of sobriety and recovery under his belt. If you can be in recovery and stay that way, it's certainly something to be proud of, but I've learned from my uncle that it definitely comes with its own ghosts that are something else to deal with.

Posts like this lower everyone standards by even speculating, and I'm about to have a fucking fit about some of the posters.

"WouLd YOu bElIeVe a RaPE vIcTiM?"

"WoUlD yOu dATe aN aDDict."

The fuck is going on with this forum????

Having thought about this for a whole entire week, I would say yes with stipulations.

Right now, I can’t date an addict because idk how to help them. I’m barely capable of taking care of myself. If he were to relapse, he’d take me down with him.

However, this isn’t to say I could date one down the road when I’m in my 50’s and have a hold on things. However, he has to be sober for at least over 10+ years with a stable career.

Even if they never, never relapse, they come with other problems. Here's two of them just off the top of my head:

1. If they have that tendency to become addicted to [whatever], that doesn't go away. Even if they live a clean and blameless life forever, no booze or drugs, they won't suddenly learn how to be moderate about other things. It might be movies, it might be audio equipment, it might be stamp-collecting, but it'll be something. It might even be a shifting panoply of things, as they have bursts of interest and investment which eventually cool off as the novelty dissolves and their brains seeks the next jolt. If they are also on the spectrum, this is even more noticeable. Now, THIS MIGHT NOT BOTHER his partner. She might even be the same way, and that's okay if they suit each other ( and if his brain's search for novelty does not involve infidelity!). But it's something you might want to be aware of, going in.

2. Even if, again, he never relapses, he lives clean forever, it is still an undeniable unavoidable fact that he has left a big mess in his wake. No matter how good his life is from now on, he can't erase that. It still exists in the memories of his friends and family members, probably on social media, and definitely in his own memory. No amount of AA-fueled apologies is going to make it go away. I realize "nobody is perfect" and "everyone has a history" but truly, some are messier than others. Be aware of this going in, and decide if it's going to be too much of a burden for you.

Nope!

I don't date trash/damaged goods.

For the downvoters: go ahead and date an addict. Date as many addicts as you like, and let us know how it goes. Dumb fucks.

A “recovering” addict? No…..

And an addict in their first year of recovering ought not to be dating at all and if they had a good recovery program they'd be sticking to that.