Women who met their partners post 35+, tell us about them.

I am in the demographic you're asking about. I agree with whichever Queen it was (I'm sorry, I'm short on time and can't search) that the existence of baggage is less important than how they carry it. And that goes for me, too -- I have baggage too, but I try to carry it in a healthy way. So, on to your questions -- I have been dating a man for not quite two years. We were introduced by a mutual, in connection with a strong interest/hobby we both have. He is around my age (a few years older) and we're both past the making-a-family phase. We both have adult children who have turned out well and that we love, see often, and get along well with. We each had a good family-of-origin. Not perfect, but better than average.

I can say a lot of good things about him. He's been living on his own for a while. About a year and a half before I met him, he did a leveling-up with serious, lasting lifestyle changes. He regrets his past mistakes but he doesn't wallow in them. He just course-corrected, in a big way. What else.... I read a lot here about men who don't practice adequate personal hygiene -- he is the opposite. He's always clean and he smells nice! (I don't mean cologne or scented products -- I'm sort of sensitive to those. I mean, just his natural scent is pleasant.) He keeps a clean home and he can cook. Not one of these Master Chefs who messes up every pot and pan in the kitchen -- he just assembles healthy ingredients in a skillet, or makes a good simmering soup. He likes to take me out to restaurants or concerts or bowling, etc., and he always pays. If he knew about these modern guys who don't own a vacuum, have a nest instead of a bed, eat fast food take-out almost exclusively, and never do their laundry, I think he'd be appalled. But he's kind of old-school and I don't think he's aware of the levels of scrotery to which some males have descended.

He fell for me sooner than I reciprocated, and he courted me exclusively, with respect but with obvious interest. We didn't trauma-share when we were first getting to know each other, but he sensed that I was skittish about getting close to someone. He didn't know why, and he didn't press. (Many months later, he told me he had the idea I had had some sort of accident, like burns, and was body-sensitive. My skittishness was actually caused by betrayal and SA, and I was sort of glad that that isn't where his mind immediately went!)

When I trusted him, and first visited his home, he opened the front door for me and then said, "This stays open until and unless you close it." He also pointed out the sliding door (the only other exit out of his place). So, even though he didn't know about the SA in my past, he did the very thing I needed. During the courtship, he didn't press for physical intimacy, but he was certainly glad when it finally happened. And, if you will believe me (but it's true!) -- even after all this time, he still asks for consent. That's unique in my experience. He's naturally smart as well as college-educated, has a wide vocabulary, is more widely-read than he thinks he is. He's very clever about things like logic, math, puzzles, games, and music. We each think the other is funny, so we do laugh a lot.

He is unabashedly, whole-heartedly in love with me, and I not only love him, but am totally at ease with him -- I am not confused or anxious with him. I know exactly how he feels and where he stands. He doesn't take me for granted at all and is still amazed to find me there.

Is he a perfect person? No, of course not. He is absent-minded, loses track of time and sometimes of things, and has slightly off-kilter recognition of social cues. Some of his comments. though innocuous, don't "land" right -- I have long suspected he might be a very high-functioning on-the-spectrum person. But he is aware of all his shortcomings, and long before I met him, he had already started working on some of them. At the same time, if I criticize myself, he defends me to myself. Even in the beginning, he noticed things about me that no one had ever noticed. much less appreciated. He is unfailingly kind and I swear I cannot think of a time that he's criticized me. He is respectful of my "space" and my need to have some time to myself, while at the same time missing me enormously when I'm not there.

We live separately. We talk at least twice a day (phone, not text). The last shared activity of the day (after we do the Wordle silently over the phone) is reading to each other. We take turns -- we work through two books at a time that way -- and the very last thing is, he reads me a love poem that he's found. I could tell a lot more, but this is already plenty long enough. My goal in writing this out has been to give you some of the hope that you said you were seeking. Thanks for listening/reading!

I'm in a small town and definitely seen women do very well in their second marriages (ie in their 40s or 50s). It's unclear how they're meeting these men but I would assume its because by that point they've seriously maxed out their social network. It does raise inconvenient questions about these men's first marriages - I think the women who do well on marriage 2 are clearly not scared to leave and the men understand that.

Aging does not make finding good men harder for women, as good men will try to date their age.

This is a myth, and I'd be careful about propagating it.

The fact that no 35-plus user has (yet) answered your question based on her own personal experience tells you a lot about the abysmal dating conditions for 35-plus women.

The cold truth is if you want to find an HVM with no baggage (such as children or divorce), then you will probably need to find him when you're both 25-40 years old. Single, baggage-free HVM exist after 40, but the probabilities dwindle fast.

As a 35-plus woman, I hate saying this, but there is no way around facts. Finding a baggage-free HVM after 40 is like winning the lottery.

My HVM boyfriend’s mother divorced his dad (an alcoholic). When she was 36 and raising her two kids as a single mom, a friend of hers set her up with a single neighbor at a backyard barbecue. The man owned his own home nearby, lived alone, and had a stable and accomplished career. She hadn’t been interested in dating at all, she was focused on working and parenting, but they were a good match and they have been happily married for 20 years so far. From what I've observed, he's kind, hardworking, a good provider, and a loving dad.

I believe that if you’re not willing to stick it out on OLD for an extended period of time and vet tirelessly, then having a social network is extremely valuable. Meeting a complete stranger by chance is much less realistic and more risky. It’s ideal to have trusted friends or acquaintances introduce you to eligible men who have already passed a layer of social vetting.

My aunt’s first marriage was to an artist scrote who cheated on her with a women that was three years older than their first daughter. He cheated on her while she was at work. He refused to work because he didn’t think he needed to work and that he would be famous one day. There is a 10+ year age gap. Needless to say, he wanted wifey 2.0. They divorced. He took the kids and my aunt moved back with the family and worked and sent money to her youngest kid as all their children were adults.

In her third year of post-divorce. she met a man on an online chat room. Granted all of us were against it. He was stingy, had a temper, and hates children. He was three years younger than my grandma. He treated her and her alone well. They had a quiet wedding in and built a business together. He gets along well with his step grandchildren not so much his step children. They’ve been married since 2005 almost 20 years.