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Help me understand why do men stop putting in effort suddenly. Is it because they are no longer interested? Is it because they never trully loved you? Is their mask finally slipping of?
Me and my ex were dating for about a year. Throught that time, he consistently put in effort, planning out dates, etc. But in the last month of our relationship, his efforts slowly dropped. He wasn’t able to plan a proper date and when I called him out on it, he just said that planning with me is “difficult”, or made a last-minute reservation at an over-the-top restaurant that was out of his budget, just to prove my point I guess. But up until that point, all of his qualitites seemed to be high value so I’m just wondering “what went wrong”.
To be fair, his lack of consistent planning was not the reason we broke up, but it seems like it was the ”beginning of the end”. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it so any ideas would be welcomed. Thank you.
Whenever you’re trying to understand *why* a man did something, you’re on the wrong path. Men’s behavior changes for a million reasons. Maybe you expected a lot of him and he was too lazy or selfish to work hard. Maybe he got into porn and normal adult women no longer interested him. Maybe he got addicted to video games or weed. Maybe his mental health worsened and he couldn’t manage it. Maybe he did poorly at work and had his hours cut or lost his job. Maybe he didn’t like growing older and having more responsibilities.
What is important is *how* he behaves. For whatever reason(s), he could no longer meet your standards and add value to your life. This is why we need to always keep vetting, because men change over time. I’m sorry you had to suffer his declining treatment, but it is best to be free of him. Just remember that his actions are only his responsibility, and do not blame yourself or go down the rabbit hole of what could have been. It sounds like he dug his own grave.
your guess is as good as mine.
one of my scrote exes told me, “i don’t think i’m built for realtionships. i just don’t feel anything anymore.”
keep in mind he has very good functional relationships with multiple men in his life, and even a lesbian woman. these have lasted years, and he has no problem planning dinners and outings with them.
my theory is that most men are really f*cked up when it comes down to sex as a form of intimacy. they don’t see a woman’s pleasure as valuable, they don’t find intimacy with women valuable…probably from years of watching porn and hanging out with dipsh*t friends who also have zero idea about how to relate to a human woman in a healthy way.
and instead of actively working on their issues, they ignore them and periodically take them out on the women in their lives, because women have been so conditioned to not fight back and to just absorb all of the emotional/psychic BS.
what do men do when they have issues with other men? historically they have physically fought. they can’t do that with women, so i think it doesn’t occur to them to do anything else besides leave.
another ex lasted almost three years with almost zero issues regarding planning dates and trips, and with intimacy and bonding. we broke up because he suddenly wanted children (“wanted to be REBORN was how he phrased it, wtaf). unfortunately, there was a massive income imbalance between us and i wasn’t about to bear his children, ANY children with no safety net.
so it depends on the man. some are more aware than others. some have different limitations. but i think i can say as a class, men in general don’t give a shit about what women go through and so it’s easy to just quit a romance. it’s a little bit self-presevation, a little bit ego, a little bit influence from other men, a little bit immaturity/instant gratification, and a whole lot of entitlement.
de-center men, focus on yourself, and everything else will fall into place.
I’m in this phase now where I left a long-term relationship when my ex stopped putting in effort into the relationship after the 2-3 year “honeymoon” phase - and I think it has something to do with men not always being able to cope with the initial dopamine spike of the relationship subsiding, but honestly, who cares? If they don’t or can’t be bothered to maintain a relationship after the first blush, they’re not worth it.
It is normal for our brains to rationalize or ruminate about situations and people. I think part of that is that we don't want to accept that this person is bad for us, so we try to find reasons to justify their actions. If the reason he was stopped putting in effort was something you would find valid, like abuse, you'd find it easier to get back into a relationship with him or find sympathy for him.
Need for closure is definitely hard to get over
“What went wrong” is that he is a scrote. The relationship was no longer acceptable to you. The end.
Hindsight is 20/20: When his energy changed (in the last month), his efforts also immediately changed. That’s the time to leave. Now you know.
What went RIGHT is YOU and this matters the most: you have your non-negotiable standards now and you found FDS. Onwards!
I was just watching an episode of a relationship coach who gives advice to callers and this episode was on a guy calling in to say that he's moved to a new town with his wife for his job and he finds himself crushing on a co-worker. He says he's in a happy relationship but finds himself excited about his co-worker.
From what he was saying, I feel that most men are all over the place mentally which causes them to be all over the place with their actions. They're never settled, always rattled, always looking for something to do and wanting something new or different, whether it's good for them or not. This is why most boys are diagnosed with ADHD than girls because they're always so restless.
I feel that this behaviour is both natural and as a result of nurture which is why, in this case, they put in effort into getting a woman but they stop, once they get her. I also think that because a lot of men aren't socialised to take women and relationships seriously (i.e. see us as human beings they are to respect and cherish), their desire to continue to put in effort is very minimal. They see it as boring and tiring. We all know that people put effort into what excites them and what they deem important but seeing as a lot of men just don't deem women and the relationships they're in as things to take seriously, they don't put in any effort. It's why so many men cheat - they don't respect, like or love their partner and they don't cherish the relationship they have with their partner. If they did, they'd only go as far as thinking about cheating but we all know many of them don't stop there.
In summary, a lot of men are restless, easily bored, fixated on newness, bored of commitment because of monotony, they don't respect women as people and see us as objects and as we know, there's only so much interest you can have in an object, they don't cherish commitment, having long-lasting relationships and intimacy the way women do and lastly, many men fear putting in any effort in case the relationship doesn't work. They fear women losing interest in them, being broken up with or being cheated on so lots of them have an attitude of "I'll hurt you before you hurt me", which manifests in them being emotionally distant, playing mind games like being hot and cold and reducing the level of effort they put into the relationships they're in.
Would you feel better if you knew why? If so, why is that? There's usually two reasons: a) you believe you could have done something differently to prevent this. This is mostly untrue, and even if it's true, you can expect a mature partner to tell you what isn't working for them anymore BEFORE they start treating you worse. Also, it doesn't have to mean that this thing, whatever it may have been, will be applicable to your next relationship. Everyone has different expectations and needs. We need to stop trying to anticipate other's needs in the hopes they'll never leave us that way. This is not how it works. b) you want proof it has nothing to do with you and wasn't something you could have changed. Which is the likely scenario anyways! You don't need his (probably faulty) explanation. It was his own issue all along. What makes men switch up on us like that? We don't know all the reasons, but we know that they're the man's problem, not ours. We did everything we could, and yes, we were not "rewarded" with loyalty as we hoped we would be. That's life. And it can help you question how much you're willing to do in a relationship next time. Only do what you're happy doing even without a reward.
Men only love what they can use, they love how you make them feel and what you can do for them. That's the only time men care or like to pretend that they care about you. If they feel they already got what they want, or you served your purpose they will leave.
Don't ask why, don't wonder why they do such a thing. Just keep in mind that it happened because he wanted it to happen.
Ask him. If he says something is "difficult", ask what he means by that. Ask follow up questions.
Overall I'm getting the impression your ex is a bad communicator. He doesn't know how to communicate his thoughts and feelings. He has bad (or no) communication skills. So over that entire year you were dating, some little things bothered him about your relationship. And instead of bringing those things up, and discussing them, like a mature adult would... He proceeded to sweep all his minor discomforts under the rug. Small disagreements tend to stack up. Eventually he got so emotionally frustrated, he just gave up. Instead of trying to resolve normal everyday life problems, he procrastinated and waited until those problems became huge and difficult to deal with. So it was easier to just break things off. Weak men who are bad at communicating also tend to avoid conflict. He was too much of a manchild to confront the issues that bothered him. He should learn to assert himself in a healthy adult way, how to have difficult conversations, how to take responsibility for things he keeps running from, and how to communicate. Because he shouldn't expect you to read his mind.
If his behavior confuses you, that means he did things to confuse you. He behaved immaturely and foolishly. He should take a class on communication skills and interpersonal conflict. If you want to be extra cheeky, send him a link to a service offering those kinds of trainings.
That's the impression I get from this post. I could be wrong because I don't know your situation deeply.
because they are lazy fucks who get bored too easily
the mask fell.
They never were interested in putting in effort. They did all that to get you hooked for their own goals. All those amazing times you had when they “put in effort” where a lie to manipulate you