Where do you stand on the ‘spark’?

Honestly... I have no idea at this point. Lately I've noticed that if I get an immediate "AWOOGA HE'S SO HOT I WANNA BANG HIM RIGHT NOW!!!" reaction, it's very likely a trauma response and the guy is probably toxic and I should avoid him at all costs. But! I've also intellectualized my feelings wayyy too much in the past. You know, this guy is so good on paper, yada yada, but the mere thought of doing anything physical with him made me feel almost nauseous. The healthiest form of The Spark must be somewhere in between. And hey, if any of you queens are able to hack this, please let me know 'cause I'm still figuring it out 🙃

The Spark, in m my experience, is usually a bad sign rather than a good sign. Every man I’ve felt this with turned out to be a terrible person. People with Cluster B personality disorders are experts as creating a spark with people they just met. Also, what you think is excitement sometimes is actually your brain telling you that you’re in danger.

There was an experiment done on this. One group of couples went on a date on a stable bridge, the other group went on a date on a bridge that was swaying. The people in the latter group reported higher attraction. All this doesn’t mean those feelings can’t be good and genuine, but be cautious.

On a first date I don’t expect a spark. I just expect to be somewhat attracted to them physically, that they have the personality type I like, are a calming presence (my #1), and we have a good time. And no major red flags. I give it 3 dates and if by the end of the 3rd date I still don’t even want to kiss them and my feelings haven’t grown at all, I end it. I do look for high interest from the man right from the start though — I think men typically do have to feel immense attraction from the first date or it won’t work. This can get a bit annoying because they are a bit overbearing at first (not love-bombing, it’s not that intense), but I think it’s necessary. The last guy you dated was a pos for wasting your time for 6 months. I’m just speculating but it could be that he had sort of intimacy issues, so he panicked and ran when he realized you were at a point where it was ready to be serious. He may have had a severe sexual insecurity.

I think the “spark” becomes a red flag when it veers off into obsession. Being too occupied with whether he likes you / will choose you vs. what you think of him, constantly daydreaming about a relationship that hasn't even started, heavily projecting all your desires onto him. I think humans are irrational and that we will probably always go a little “crazy” over someone who is new and whom we like, but as soon as you are consumed by those feelings you're probably not making good decisions. People also bond more quickly when they're emotionally unstable, so beware of any crush that arises while you're distressed or off-balance in any way. It's likely that your brain just wants to attach to someone in that scenario to give you a sense of social belonging and therefore safety. The best kind of spark should be felt when you're not too invested into it “going anywhere” and when you feel secure in yourself. Obviously some attraction should always be there from the start.

Sparks don't pay the mortgage, nor do they provide health insurance. By definition, sparks fade quickly and then there's real life. Please consult the FDS handbook and vet all men for true quality. Yes I do believe you should be physically attracted to your partner. But remember, men are people, not a fire that's supposed to light you up with passion. What happens when the passion fades? Then you're left with him, the person, and all his issues that he hid when he was "sparking" you.

I've never been in a relationship. So, take my viewpoint with a grain of salt. I went through my first big "love" experience when I was 31. I don't want to say this man was my first love because it sounds pathetic, and it was totally unrequited, but I learned some things through the experience. I realized that, for me, I need to be deeply interested in a man. I need to enjoy talking to him. There needs to be something special or extra about the encounter. He was the first man I ever really wanted to know in a deep way. I wanted to know his thoughts, share music with him, have conversations, pour my heart out to him. I wasn't just attracted to what he looked like (though he was good-looking), there was an emotional attraction. For me, both of those things must be present. I need that emotional connection. I'm not sure if that is the "spark," but maybe it is for me. Something draws me to him. I don't know if I'll feel that again for a man. I've lost my illusions about them and feel quite bitter these days. So many men seem to be the same.

Thank you for this post! I am struggling with this too. I think I've realized that if I find a guy really physically attractive and feel a spark (over 6'2, full head of hair, cute face, not wildly overweight) then tbh he won't have to do too much to pique my interest or make me excited to see him. Buuut if a guy does not meet that threshold... then him doing theeee absolute utmost will help stimulate that excitement and interest.

**note, these is based purely on considering appearance as part of a package deal, not compromising on other standards! guys I find 'hot' must still pay for dates, communicate like an adult, be educated, be ambitious, live alone, etc as a bare minimum for me personally!!**

I want believe that it can grow but he's gotta help it along and do A LOT to make up for the fact that he might not be as physically appealing as other options. That isn't to say I go out with dudes who I think are ugly, but if I'm on the fence about him spark/appearance wise then being super competent, romantic, and thoughtful can help push him over the edge. He gotta come correct af though.

I don't settle for spark, It's all or nothing. It's better to leave him behind. men like him just want to date you to see where things go and in most cases he's going to leave you behind anyway.

Don't waste your time on men, because I met a married man who knew she was the one within 2 weeks of dating eachother. That dude took 6 months of your time, it's inexcusable.

Block and delete. Move on.

Thr man should feel the spark immediately, but you can take some time to feel it. Otherwise, you're gonna be the one who likes him more, and that never works out.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this spark that you speak of in adulthood.

The last time I felt something similar was in elementary school with a boy in grade 2. I remembered getting nervous around him and enjoying his company/presence. I think that is what you'd call a crush?

Come to think of it, with every guy I’ve dated, I never felt anything.

Are they like literal sparks? When you touch them do you feel this “electric touch”? Or is more of “love at first sight”?