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Hi Ladies,
I'm wondering for those of you who grew up in a narcissistic abusive or toxic family and had to go no contact with your parents, how you would handle getting into a relationship with a new man?
I just feel really vulnerable since I'm either no contact with my abusive family and the other family who I actually loved passed when I was young. So I basically have hardly any family except one cousin. My siblings were also abusive sociopaths and I had to cut them off too. I've tried making friends too but in every friend group there's been a narc or somehow it fell through and I haven't had much luck when going out meeting new women friends, although I know they're crucial for support in life. I've become very hardened from all these experiences and my entire family abusing and betraying me so it makes it hard to trust anyone really. I've been in therapy so that's helping. Being this tough though I know most men just judge and think I'm bitter and hate all men but I just hate the ones that abused me. A lot are afraid of me and think I'm always angry but I give a don't f*ck with me face out in public since I'm tired of narcs and predators scrotes approaching constantly and trying to push my boundaries. It's like they can sniff out I've been abused all my life and that makes me so angry.
I feel vulnerable since I feel like even a HVM would write me off as damaged goods and take advantage of my vulnerability. I feel like his family wouldn't be understanding either and would harshly judge me. Most men I've met have at least one parent in the picture and for myself I have none. I'm early 30s but yeah it seems they see you as a pariah. I also have extensive self harm scars from my teens that I'm working on covering up all of them with floral tatoos. They're covering them up ok but you can still see them in bright light. I just feel like a walking target and all my past relationships were with predators and narcissists. I know what to look out for to avoid red flags but it seems like only the narcs sniff me out because of a deep subconscious familiarity. I don't even know how a guy from a non abusive family could even relate either. Anyway I've put off daring for the last 4 years and have remained celibate, but anytime I open the floodgates and accept a date even if it's just one date every six months it's always a narcissist or predator and that's even for the ones I've met in person. Just wanted your thoughts and opinions on this 💖💖🙏
Big hugs sis! Most people do not actually leave their abusers either past FOO and/or recent, but you were able to! 👑 Which means you have the inner tools should you have to ever do that again, and you can trust yourself to get out if you ever again need to - please contemplate that. You SEE hidden abusers. As such, you’re in a unique situation of “lonely wisdom” and please trust this season is temporary. I relate to having cut off many cluster b’s in my family and old friends. It takes a long time to rebuild and to stop worrying about being seen as “damaged goods” and the like.
Keep going. I feel like this could be your “darkest before dawn” moment, where you are on the cusp of a big personal breakthrough. Imagine if you did not know about cluster b’s! You have a hard-earned immunity to easy predation now. Trust it! Focus on self-care and stabilizing your cash flow. I love the healthy choices you’ve been making. You’ve got this!!
I was in this situation. I got married. All I wanted was a happy family, he said that he wanted the same thing and I thought he could give me the life that I was after. (This was not a gold digger thing- I was tired of expensive cities and I longed to move back to the countryside of my youth. He was a farm boy, hardworking and living in a deeply rural area, and was unique in the people that I knew and that he was encouraging of this lifestyle.)
After we had two kids, I was disillusioned/ I realized that he was an intermittently abusive NVM. It took me 10 years to get out.
The typical FDS advice (vet, vet, vet) is honestly the minimum. Based on what happened to me, I would not get into a relationship with a man again until I was in a place of safety and security- this is not just your career, this is not just finances, this is having built a life that no one can take from you.
I wish someone had just told me to focus on myself and be single for a while. So that's what I'm going to say to you. I became a mom at 27 and felt pure relief that I hadn't let my biological clock run out. IN MY TWENTIES!
Don't be beholden to the idea that you must have biological children and that you must have them young. Work on yourself.
It is so fucking hard to move through the world without a family. Believe me, I know. It is still a point of anguish for me. But I have a chosen family now. took time but it is so much better. I cannot express to you how much better my life is than it used to be. Be patient and be kind to yourself. What you are doing for yourself now is something that no one else can do for you. A lot of journeys have to be taken alone.
I don't have one either. But I've learned to be my own support system. If you believe in a dream then that's all you need to make it come true. Everything ppl can do for you such as be supportive and kind can be recreated by you.
Be kind and supportive to yourself and when you can do that you don't need others to feel loved. You are the best investment.
And yes I grew up with narcistic pickme's. I was never told I can make any dream come true, nor did I had a pep talk where I feel inspired, No good role models all I heard was you need to cook and clean or no man would want you while male family members were lazy, sit on their ass, mess up their grades and aren't the providers that society tries to push.
Have you read the FDS handbook? A lot of useful vetting tips in there to protect yourself in general. Will be useful re your situation too.
I'm in the same ⛵ boat.