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Hello sisters, I have a question regarding one of the guidelines about never mentioning you were in abusive relationships. I've been following this rule, and while it always bothers me when they ask about my past experience and I have to say "the last relationship I was with he treated me so well but we decided to break up because we wanted different things and he eventually emigrated out of the country", I understand why we have to say it and that these guys will immediately see that I know what I want and they have to step up.
However, let's imagine that the relationship deepens, maybe into an actual relationship. At what point do you bring up that you lied or reveal the story actually had some bad sides to it too? I had 3 long relationships so far in my life and I don't ever do casual. All of them the other person (first relationship was with a woman) had severe issues that then translated into the way they treated me and our relationship, with the last one being the worst one of all. For reference, the last person I was with was a compulsive liar, compulsive cheater, porn addicted and a cheapstake that never ever bought me anything.
I'd like to know what you think of this situation and how I should proceed in future relationships? Thanks!
Do not tell MEN about your trauma. Male nature is designed to push boundaries, and if he thinks your ex was abusive, he'll get mad that you have standards now. Tell trusted female friends everything though. The problem is that if men know, especially if they hear you TALKING about traumatic events with men, they'll see it as a sign that you're inviting that kind of behavior. I had a male relative (lvm) tell me that women trauma dump on other women what men have done to them because we secretely must like getting treated badly by men. It doesn't matter if you've been in a relationship for decades, male nature is predatory towards women. But, if you're curious, do some blood in the water and see how he reacts. If he likes hearing about you in pain in any way, don't tell him more. (and save up money)
May I ask what is the point of opening up your trauma to males? What do you want to get out of this? Do you want his sympathy?
Isn't it better to just open your trauma to therapist instead? If something does not benefit you, why do this? Does opening your trauma regarding past relationships relevant in your current relationship to him?
I think it's better to question, why does he have to know about your past relationship? What do he want to get out of it? Is he testing you, your boundaries, and the treatment you received?
And I agree with the rules here in FDS that it's better not to tell it to them. Not only is that not relevant to him and your current relationship, there is no benefit for you in telling him.
Also, I find it sad that males resented women for raising their standards and leveling up from their past abusive relationship. If that were the case, they are not HVM, just LVM posing as HVM.
Still, wether they are LVM or HVM, I agree there is no benefit in opening it up to them. Better get a therapist and heal yourself.
So, my current relationship started like riiight before I found fds and I didn't know this rule and I told him.
Not like "let's have a sit down and I tell you about my trauma", just didn't particularly hide it.
For example, a young lady in our town broke up with her boyfriend, he kept tabs on her, and when she got back home from another date he was waiting in her house "to talk" and murdered her. I said something along the lines of "yeah. There's a reason when I broke up with [college ex] I did it from another man's house and didn't go back to my dorm for 4 days."
Things like that where I'm not being all emotional and crying, but obviously speaking from experience.
So far he hasn't used it as an excuse to treat me poorly, though obviously I'm keeping an eye out for that.
Also, he has a daughter and I kinda don't want to pretend to not have the knowledge I have if it could benefit her.
Sooo 🤷🏼♀️ maybe so far I lucked out?
He's not a stranger to how shit men can be though. Like his dad was a major scrote, some other uncle was a major scrote, various in-laws. And he's gone and extracted the women in those scenarios from bad situations on multiple occasions. He's never talked about it like it was their fault and so far as I know treats them well.
If there's a bad side effect so far it's that I don't particularly like that he can picture me in any scenarios I'm sure he has surmised happened.
But so long as I'm being treated in the way I want to be I'm not gonna throw away a relationship because I fucked up a rule at the beginning. Especially since I'm never gonna be locked in by having kids with him or owning property with him--if he changes I can always leave. Like I'd rather just have my exit always available than have to watch what I say when a topic about men comes up that I have strong feelings about.