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A family friend (let's call her Phoebe) is going to get married and she was telling a mutual friend, who told me, her history with this guy. They met at a friend's birthday party some years ago and started dating soon after. He travelled to Canada for work and she went off to Spain for work so they were in a long-distance relationship, where they communicated over the phone, via text, etc. Phoebe didn't say what happened between them other than the guy seemingly ghosted/broke up with her. The next time she heard from him, he was married to another woman, who he had met in Canada and sometime later, they had a child. I don't know who initiated contact between them but Phoebe and the guy resumed talking and would talk from time to time.
Some time into the marriage, his wife died and soon after, he started dating Phoebe again. I'm not sure when she passed on but knowing how men are, he may have resumed dating her quite soon after and as we know, men can never be single for too long.
He proposed to her and their wedding is around the corner. Phoebe is going to be a stepmother to his child but an issue she will likely face is the guy's mother and father-in-law, who take care of the child he had with their daughter. They don't want him to take the child to live with him and he's been battling to get the child ever since they took her when their daughter died. They've been resistant to him having the girl full time; only allowing him to visit the child when he goes to visit them.
I was discussing this with my mum and she feels that there's nothing wrong with Phoebe marrying the guy. I said that I'd never marry a guy that ghosted or broke up with me, married another woman, then when the marriage ends in one way or another, he runs back to me. How degrading is that? If he felt I wasn't for him then he should stay gone. I've learnt that men know if you're the one for them very quickly and ask you to be their girlfriend in a short amount of time, so them breaking up with you and coming back is an insult and not something to be excited about. My mum was talking about forgiveness and overlooking what the guy did. She feels that I'm being too harsh and that him coming back means that he really cares for Phoebe. She said that if Phoebe still had feelings for the guy and rejected him, then she'd be cutting her nose to spite her face. My mum feels that I'm being too prideful by saying I wouldn't accept a guy like that.
I feel that Phoebe is making a big mistake and I can see her having issues with the guy's former parents-in-law because they'll feel like she's replacing their late daughter and becoming a mum to the child. If they're already difficult with the father of the child, why won't they be nasty to a new, unrelated person like Phoebe?
What do you ladies think? Would you marry this guy if you were in this situation? Have you gone through this personally or know someone that has? Please comment below! I'd love to get everyone's thoughts and opinions.
No. No. No.
I've been through some bad relationships and weirdly timed marriage proposals. In fact, out of all the marriage proposals I have received, only one actually made any sense. I didn't marry him. It looked good on the surface, he had a lot of HV qualities but some dark, secret demons.
But back to the weird and inappropriate marriage proposals, they are a-dime-a-dozen. Men spring sincere marriage proposals on women who lack much in the way of a good personality & other qualities to offer a woman. They, and many women too, think that a sincere offer of marriage is a thing of value in itself rather than the trap that it really can become. People think "wow he wants to get married so that must be a sign he is a good fellow." No. This man sees a woman who will make him comfortable and knows that the best way to secure her is to convince her to marry him. That way he gets a few years of a woman trying to make everything good.
The whole thing from being ghosted, losing him to a hasty marriage, then getting him back so quickly after widowhood, insta proposal...
The in-laws finding him unfit to parent his own child is another neon, eye-blinding, bright, red flag.
Also of concern, how did the wife die?
Why does you mum think this okay? Because we are all brainwashed into thinking this is okay.
Short answer : NOPE -dude ghosted her 🚩 -He immediately wanted marriage after the death of his first wife! 🚩 -is a single dad 🚩 He's a scrote and she's a placeholder, a "just in case" woman for him...any sane self respecting woman would be insulted
This sounds like the first half of a murder mystery novel. She should have dropped him when she left for Spain and she should 1000% ditch the guy now. She's not getting the whole truth from him about what he was up to while they were in a LDR. Also, random ghosting by someone I'm romantically involved with is an automatic block.
I have so many issues with this, but the main one is how did his wife die and why did he lose custody of his daughter? If the court has decided that he is unfit to care for his own child, how the hell is this man supposed to be a good husband? And his former parents in law don't seem to trust him at all, since they only allow him supervised visits. Forgiveness is good, only if you name is Jesus. At best he's looking for a mommy mcbangmaid, at worst your friend might put be putting herself in a dangerous situation 'cause this whole story seems extremely suspicious to me.
Oh hell no. A man coming back to you is not the romantic "win" women are convinced it is. All that says is he felt he could do better, so he left, and THEN felt you were grateful enough to take him back when he couldn't do better, or when his relationship with another woman ended for whatever reason.
If a man doesn't know what he has with me when he is lucky enough to have me, treat me accordingly AND cherish the fuck out of me, then it's over forever when we break up.
Never be grateful to man, ladies. Grateful is the death of romance and relationships, because it says to a man that YOU are lucky to have HIM, and they can smell it a mile off.
A man who has the audacity to ghost me wouldn't even be given the privilege to look at my face ever again.
Women like Pheobe are oblivious to the kind of creatures m*n are and assume they're just like women (aka if women come back to someone, they usually mean no harm) whereas when men take someone back, it usually ends up having a malicious outcome.
There is almost certainly much, much more to this story than he's telling this girl, or than she's telling everyone else. The courts give extreme preference to birth parents in custody issues, even over loving grandparents, adoptive parents, etc. If they are not letting him have unsupervised visits, there is a reason (and it is very bad).
Phoebe needs to run far, far away--maybe head back to Spain and pick up a gorgeous dark-eyed señor for her scrotation.
In The Godfather movie series, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) does the same thing, and he abuses and doesn't love the ex he went back to after that.
With all due respect, your mother is a HUGE pickme. Do NOT listen to her on this one. I am wondering if this is cultural, too. Are women in your culture typically this "forgiving" of men? Btw, you can theoretically forgive someone for murdering your family, but do you have coffee with them and become roommates? You can forgive someone who steals your life savings...Do you hire them to manage your finances? Forgiveness does NOT mean you get to be in my life. Your mother is simply WRONG.
And, YES, major trouble ahead for poor Phoebe regarding the stepkid. This man doesn't even have it together enough to parent his own child. He only gets to visit his own kid? What does that tell you about his devotion as a parent??? And, I suppose Phoebe wants to have kids with him? YIKES! He's not even a real father to his first child. (And, honestly, lots of women count on that. They want nothing more than for a man to abandon the children he already has and focus on the ones she has with him. They consider it an invasion when the kids who were there first come over every other weekend. And, even from a selfish perspective, I have never understood how you can count on a man to be a good father to your kids when he barely sees the ones he already has.)
I also agree that he went running to Old Reliable Pickme (Phoebe), the understudy, waiting in the wings, because he simply didn't want to be alone after having been married and taken care of. Phoebe will always live in the shadow of a dead woman. Sad.
This is not a Jane Austen novel where the man is forced to choose between the dowryless love of his life, and the family fortune controlled by his domineering bitter aunt which he needs to sustain his elderly parents and young sisters who won't be marriageable without it.
This guy simply did not pick her. He picked someone else. That someone else died. Now, he needs a wife, and a mother for his kid.
This is a bad deal all-around--except for HIM.