What lessons have you learned from your parents/grandparents regarding dating and marriage?

I learned from the relationship of my parents that if a man doesnt have a provider mindset for his family, everything falls apart. Its truly a sign of bad character if they dont feel the need to look out for their spouse and kids this way. Women and children are always vulnerable, a man should feel the desire to empower them with his money. We suffered so much because my dad cared more about is financial freedom than ours.

Also, a man that cares more about the family he grew up with than about the one he created is s deal breaker. Your married middle class sister doesnt need your money more than your wife. Help family who needs it but as a husband (or wife) your immediate responsibility is your spouse and kids.

I feel I am full of generational trauma in that regard, lol. There is no good relationship in my family circle, and every woman has a horrifying story of abuse, neglect and unthinkable hardships like secret abortions (some of which went wrong and lead to permanent health conditions and death). I have learned that men are unreliable, that they think with their d*cks, that they have zero regard for a woman's health or well-being, that they stay with their partners out of convenience, not love. The evidence of that is littered all throughout my family history. There is not a single good man, not even the guys my age who have had all the resources to do better. Many are alcoholics, including my dad. I really often wish my mom would divorce him already. On the bright side, I have seen a few women manage to escape, like my cousin and my aunt, and they are thriving. It gives me hope that we can break the cycle. ETA: also I learned from a young age that grown men are predatory and perverted. I've had just too many uncles comment on my developing body, it still gives me the creeps today. The way I was sexualized in my family and in public at the age of 13-16 was really shocking. It really got a lot less frequent after I turned 18. Disgusting.

my ancestors have 100% impacted my dating + marriage life.

my grandfather married and then was kicked out by his in-laws for some reason. he remarried my grandmother, who was much, much younger than him. while i think she was awesome, i never really got to know much about her. they had four children...one died tragically at age 21 and one was hospitalized for schizophrenia. my grandfather died while i was a baby, and my grandmother when i was in my 20s. my dad cheated when i was young and ended up being sued for child support because his affair produced a son. i've never met my half-brother, and he meant to keep it a secret from me indefinitely as far as i know. i grew up experiencing his terrifying rage until i was old enough to fight back against him, and i did.

on my maternal side, my grandparents had 10 children. they stayed married until my grandfather passed away in his 80s. i'm pretty sure no one ever asked my grandmother what she actually wanted in life. she is an incredible woman, though she stopped driving fairly early on in her crone years and her body is becoming frail. my mother is one of the eldest and was never very athletic either; it has inspired me to try to become as physically strong as possible.

i never really wanted to become a mother. i didn't even like playing with baby dolls as a child! i was definitely boy crazy and was aware that my social value was based on my looks and my fuckability, but it was somewhat easy for me to prioritize art, adventure and education over marriage and men in general.

i got into, and miraculously out of, some truly toxic situations, including, interestingly, a situationship with a schizophrenic man. i am lucky to be alive. somehow i was self-motivated to play sports and pursue a graduate degree (although it was in the wrong field), making me the first granddaughter to graduate with a Master's degree. i also was the first granddaughter to live outside of the U.S., and am definitely the first to get a motorcycle license. i just never saw marriage and children as the last frontier. and i was frankly a little terrified of giving birth, considering my mother had a hysterectomy due to severe ovarian cysts and my father never even drove her home from the hospital. (he WAS handy around the house and installing tile and renovating the bathroom, so he had that going for him.)

in my mid-to-late 30s, i stumbled onto Reddit and subsequently onto r/XXchrom, r/pinkpillrelationships and eventually r/FemaleDatingStrategy. i was banned for a comment expressing watered-down empathy for Korean men 😂 on a post and was heartbroken...but after FDS left Preddit, i found my way to this forum!

it is INFINITELY difficult to break free from social conditioning. while i was struggling with an eating disorder in my early 20s, my father's sister wrote to me, saying "you need to take control of your life. do not let your surroundings control you." my parents fought like crazy. they provided me with some lovely experiences, but their marriage was a shitshow. looking back, i know my aunt meant to center my own well-being and focus on doing what is best for me.

one of my exes asked me to have his children when we were dating a few years ago, while i was at the infamous female "Wall" and you know what? i listened to my initial thoughts, scanned my body, and my gut said, "NO." so that's what i told him.

and here i am.

i don't know if this story will help anyone because sociocultural economic circumstances evolve so quickly, but i hope it does. while i never want another girl to doubt herself or hate herself, or put herself in danger, i survived it all and came out one strongass woman. and no scrote will ever take that away from me. i'm still leveling up, without a husband, without children, without a HVM, but for sure as hell without a LVM, and with more trust in myself, whether i make the "right" decision or not.

I haven’t learned anything FDS approved. All I learned is fear mongering , and that a woman needs to cook and clean or no man would want you.

Ive learned from my own experience that discipline is the way of life. If you are going to wait for men to make you happy then you’ll wait forever.

If you want something, make a plan and stick to it. If men don’t want you because you “hit the wall” then good. Because if you left your career behind to be there for them you’re going to end up alone anyway when they replace you with a gold digger. That Dusty bobby brown got together with Whitney Houston before she hit the wall and ruined her life. Same with Tina Turner.

Bobby Brown had to cancel a tour with his childhood friend because Bobby wanted to sleep with his friends daughter while she could be his grand daughter.

Dont let the wall scare you, don’t let men fool you because you’re more than making babies and be beautiful for men.

If that Kevin Samuels loser dated an age appropriate woman who is also a nurse then he might have been alive today because the young nurse who was like 19 couldn’t even preform CPR properly and died alone while she was calling 911. His prediction for women who hit the wall has come true for himself.

To be the exact opposite

I have learned from 2 of my foremothers that personality disordered women pick the most dependable, hard working, loyal men, and those men never leave them because their erratic and dramatic behaviors are somehow very sexy and enchanting to these doormatish/obsessed men! Point- you need not be a narcissist, but when you learn to have extreme love for yourself and prioritize yourself first always your picker will only accept men who are head over heels devoted to caring for you.

My other grandmother was way too nice, way too giving, way too self-abnegating and is a cautionary tale of who not to marry and have too many kids with! She loved this alcoholic musician way more than he ever cared about her, and didn’t get a divorce before he ruined their finances, then died suddenly in his 60s. She had to wait tables past retirement age to make ends meet. I absolutely loved this grandma though, and hated my narcissistic mom and grandma on my other side. My good grandma’s kids and grandkids all rallied around her and got her to quit waiting tables and took care of her for the last 30 years of her life.

Never depend on a man for anything but still get a man that can provide. Just never be in a position where you depend on him in case you need to leave.

I learned from the marriage of my parents that staying in an unhappy marriage won't do good to nobody. Don't stay for someone, leave for yourself, your time is precious and you won't be getting your lost time back. Better leave sooner or later than never. I surely don't look up to my parents marriages... NEVER.

Overall, my parents have a good marriage. They've been married 40 years. No cheating, no addictions, no crimes.

From my dad, I've learned what a provider mentality looks like and will absolutely not settle for less. For my dad, 50/50 would be unthinkable. He does the "man's work" around the house, e.g., mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, taking out the trash, etc., and helps my mom with meal prep almost every day after work. My mom does most of the cooking and some of the vacuuming and gardening. She also earns 15% of their income, but my dad doesn't care whether she works or not. It's a division of labor/finances that works for them, and I think it's fair enough.

Because my parents are traditionally Chinese, I have observed a lack of what Westerners consider "romance". In pre-2000s Chinese culture, displaying romantic affection in front of family and friends was considered improper. If I get married, I would like to see a little more romance from my husband, even if it's in private.