So, I notice I project my horniness onto the LVM around me who happen to resemble something I’m attracted to. I think this is why I have slept with LVM in the past, I created an idealized version of someone I know who’s kinda attractive so I have something to direct this energy into.
I want a change because it’s negatively effecting my standards. When I fantasize about these scenarios it makes me want to act them out the more I do it, and I find myself excusing or overlooking bad behavior. While I love and crave the dopamine, I don’t want to go down that road again. I know from MANY past experiences that it’s just not worth it. I do still end up there once every long while and I suspect what I’m describing here is a big contributor.
Someone on here (or on the sub?) suggested fantasizing about a fictional character instead of someone in real life. Last year I looked into some romance novels but found a lot of them to have misogynistic storylines which didn’t seem like a good alternative.
I remember the same thread talking about getting to know yourself sexually so you can be equally fulfilled whether you have a partner or not, but I have no idea where to start on that or how to gauge my progress on that particular road. My arousal (like most women’s) is very linked to it being about a storyline, scenario, or person, so I’m very curious about how that fits into all of that.
Do you have any recommendations for romance novels (hetero and/or wlw)? Or a different suggestion for what to do with my libido?
Any other thoughts or comments on the topic are also very welcome!
I don't have any fantasies. I listen to classical music and deeply feel my body. I don't know if it works for anybody else though.
I like this idea. When I was single and mingling, I would imagine a previous boyfriend or someone out of reach like a movie star or something. I never really thought into this (why it is good, or bad, etc) until this post
i look forward to reading other responses
I channel that energy into moving my body: working out, yoga, dancing. That, or self love: meditating, long baths, cooking a good meal, hiking in nature (fulfills both categories I realize), warm tea, sitting with my thoughts and no screen, or anything else I need to rejuvenate.
I learned in a group discussion about a year ago that sometimes "limerence" or "lust" or "crushes" is sometimes a self-harming tactic that we use to project a need we have for ourselves onto another and trying in a roundabout way to get our needs met through other people rather than directly through ourselves. The recommendation was to start noticing what needs we may be neglecting when such feelings arise. I don't know if this will ring true for anyone reading, but I liked the reminder for myself to notice my own needs more regularly and take initiative to prioritize them.
I always fantasize about women. I’m not a lesbian - and I’ve tried, and dated just as many women as men but I just match up better with men. Sex though? No man has ever come close to pleasing me the way a woman can.
How about old Hollywood actors who are long dead? That way you can watch old movies and see who you like/dislike
Good question... wish I had an answer. In the past, I've always used crushes but that can backfire because it creates an idealized version in your head. Okay for celebs, but not great for real men who will never live up to it.
Well, I fantasize about Mesut Gunsur. Not exactly him, because I think he has daily hygeine issues, but what he looks like in photos. He's even on my vision board for marriage and a wedding because I'd like someone with cleaned-up-Mesut-Gunsur vibes.