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I may need some tough love.
For as long as I can remember I have been dating or in relationships. A short relationship ended recently after showing promise and has left me feeling jaded. In typical fashion I’ve since been on a handful of dates from the apps (plus one lined up this eve) and love the process of meeting new people/getting glam etc. I think my attitude around dating is fairly healthy - thanks to FDS and other resources - but tbh the whole process is leaving me empty. I just want a nice bloke to build a life with and like many of you I have come across every type of dysfunction there is.
I have no trouble getting asked on dates but I have a lot of trouble finding non flaky, non-commitment phobic, ghosting, future faking types. Luckily I’m good at spotting them early (usually) and then I’ll promptly cut them loose. But it’s lonely. And if one more person tells me to get a vibrator I will scream.
i have a full life. I do marathons for fun(!), I travel solo frequently, have friends scattered around am solvent and have a good job etc. But I don’t have a flipping clue what I do during those lonely evenings when I’m not doing those things instead of swiping or trying to flog another dead horse. For context I also live alone and work from home.
So I’ve decided to give myself a birthday gift next week of opting out of dating. But Ive realised don’t know what to opt in to by means of distraction. I can’t run seven days a week, my friends are typically busy with their families and I simply don’t know how to de-centre wanting a relationship from my life. What can I do? How have you ladies managed to decentre men in actual terms?
TIA
Here's a radical idea that may or may not appeal: don't opt into anything just yet.
Seriously. Sit with yourself and with the boredom, the restlessness, the overwhelming urge to swipe, to do something, anything, the panic, the terror, the emptiness, whatever else comes up. Sit with all of it and get to know it, intimately. Go right to the edge of it and then keep going. Only once you've done that will you start to get a glimpse of what's on the other side. I obviously don't know what specifically that will be for you but I can guarantee that there will be something.
And yes, I'm fully aware of how fucking pretentiously woo-woo this suggestion probably sounds but just putting it out there as a possible alternative.
You need to be alone for a long while. Your jumping from male to male is the problem. Be ok with yourself alone, for an extended period of time.
- declutter your house (purge your closet, get rid of things you don’t need), deep clean, clean your car
- go to the beach (if you live near one), if you wfh you may need more sun getting sun can drastically improve your mood
- take a course
- pick up another job or revenue stream
- read
- get lost in a show
- volunteer
- take up a hobby like gardening
- explore your spirituality
- plan a vacation, look up concerts coming to your home town, have something to look forward to
These are some things I like to do to keep myself busy and pass the time.
I'd say you're actually in a GREAT position right now. You can see what hasn't been working for you and are ready to make a change.
On paper, you've got all the boxes ticked that make for external "happiness." I was in a similar position once and feeling frustrated that the "right" guy simply wouldn't come along. I mean, look at my resume!
Decentering men isn't just a combination of hobbies and a solid bank account. There's a lot of inner work that needs to be done as well. It's a radical form of self-acceptance and self-love. It's breaking away from everything we've been taught since we were little girls.
I highly recommend a combination of therapy and meditation practices for inner work. Therapy to talk about those (completely normal) feelings with an objective third party, and meditation to help you learn to be present in the moment and not worry about finding a guy today, tomorrow, next week, or next year. You already have everything you need. A romantic relationship should just be a value add, not a necessity.
Additionally, human beings are hardwired to seek community and connection. I know you said your friends are busy, but with friendships, you get out what you put in: Invest more in these friendships and seek new friendships as well. For example, you love running. Join a local running club... they're everywhere and attract all different types of people. Go out and pay attention to all the little interactions you have with people in your community. Set some small goals for setting up coffee or dinner dates with friends (old and new). There are so many ways to build fulfilling connections outside of dating, but it does require some work.
Good luck with this new leg of your journey! Wishing you all the best.
What I do is read the horror stories on reddit from women who were in crappy relationships and it snaps me out of it right quick.
It sounds like you have a great life of your own already. I think you'll find the right guy soon, I know it's tiring to hear, but we gotta be patient.
Put all of that energy into your friendships with women! Ever since I completely pulled the plug on dating, I have been concentrating that energy on my friends.
It's actually really an interesting shift. I was putting WAY more energy into men than I had even realized. Completely shifting that to women has made me realize how much of an impact we can have on each other's lives 🧡
Develop your relationships with women. Try to form a community with women. Focus on your hobbies.
I really don't have that much downtime anymore, so what little I do have I prefer to use on improving my life. Painting a room, fixing something that broke, building a solution to a problem I have.
When I'm done with that I research new hobbies, learn new skills (I started learning Dutch last week), work on plans for projects over the next season, or plan my next vacay.
An FDS life means that you have to get comfortable with yourself. No cheap distractions, no new people, no mindless swiping or time sinks. That gives you the space to do the work you need to, and then you can start building that life you dream of. Men are just an accessory if you happen to find one that isn't a complete negative influence.
Solitude is peace, and peace is true happiness.
Focus on your hobbies, new hobbies, and engage in some solo “afternoon delights” (or evening delights in this case 😜).
Also, consider taking yourself out on dates, and spending time alone with yourself.
You can read books. Or Google some solo indoor pastime that you can try for each month.
im gonna take all the heat and say -find decent casual sex