What are your red flags in friendships with other women?

The biggest for me is when someone doesn’t show they even care about you beyond surface “good friend script” platitudes. You exist only as an outlet for them to talk “at” about their lives, but when you start talking about anything going on with you, you get a two-word response and the conversation is over. If your sibling dies, you’ll get an “I’m sorry for your loss” but not even a card in the mail, or any sort of gesture that shows they want to spend $5 or five minutes trying to ease your pain a bit. I know this should seem so obvious, but for people who have never truly had a *good* friend, it’s easy to make excuses for the behavior and to think that you are the problem for expecting anything from them.

I ended a decades-long friendship because of this once it finally hit me. At that time I was developing a friendship with a much more supportive woman, so the difference was becoming obvious. I started noticing all the things she did that showed that she didn’t really care about me. There was one final thing that made me say “I’m done” and I pretty much just ghosted her. Years later I still feel that I’m recovering from it. It was like being married to someone for 20 years only to find out that they never loved you.

My friendship radar started out being majorly off because I was raised by narcissistic parents. I became a magnet to people who were shitty because I didn't provide consequences for disrespect - I didn't know how to tbh.

I was also extremely friendly and would internalize and bounce back easily from emotional abuse from various situations: BPD splitting, NPD projections, OCD nitpicking.

I ended spending a lot of time reading about narcs and other personal issues due to this and I started to truly understand that I don't need to be responsible for them and when people display these issues I try to make sure I am not getting tricked into caring for them again.

When I meet new women, I’ll be open, but if they make undeserved digs at me, I will distance myself. Due to internalised misogyny, there are undertones of competition - jealousy, comparison, testing you to find your weaknesses so they can feel better about themselves - all bad signs. Mild competitive behaviour I’ll be alright with, but if you throw me under the bus in front of others or consistently put me down, I’ll cut you out.

The worst is if you’ve gone out of your way to be nice, and they expect you to impress them, but you haven’t seen why they’re deserving of knowing you.

Women that only talk about men. They are terrible creatures. I have no patience to deal with such emptiness and lack of self love.

Most of the women I met prioritize men over friendship with other women and this is really frustrating. Unfortunately once you realize this pattern it’s really hard to make friends because most women unfortunately are like that.

I a very loyal friend. I care about my female friend. I want to protect them, be there for them. Only to get frustrated when I start to notice that their males are more important for them. I wish them well, but I prefer not to be friend with people like that. It has to be reciprocal. I need support too. I need loyal people too. I want friend to be there for me and don’t disappear when they find a boyfriend.

I recently cut off a friend as everytime she called me I was feeling a sense of dread as she was asking way too many personal questions and Always dwelled in the past from college time . The thing is iam not the same person as I was in college and i really had to work on myself . She didt respect my boundaries when tried to tell her I don’t want to talk about past and my personal life . It was a red flag 🚩 in friendship. Also she was putting me some a lot and when I would tell her my plans she would try to argue why it’s not a good idea !

Other things I look for is how do they treat you once they get a bf

Pick me idealogies

Not respecting your personal space

Subtly giving you back handed compliment

Covid opened my eyes to a now ex friend who scoffed at mask mandates and refused to protect herself or anyone she encountered. I dropped her like a stone because she did not take precautions around me even though I was caring for someone who was deathly ill from a lung embolism. It would not have gone well if I got covid when she did, quite early in the pandemic.

Unfortunately I had to distance myself from a friend who preached about “keeping her circle small” and how she “doesn't have time for drama” ….and yet she constantly had her nose deep in the personal business of those individuals she claimed were irrelevant to her. I didn’t realize how toxic it had gotten until recently and finally had to cut loose.

My red flags for friendships with other women:

• subscription to any organized religion--I'm atheist and do not tolerate religious baggage of any sort

• poor grammar--I'm educated and intelligent and do not tolerate poor spelling/grammar clogging up my phone

• libfem beliefs--I'm right-wing libertarian and do not tolerate other people policing my speech, how I spend my money, and my (non-)participation in hookup culture

Internalized misogyny, thinking it's OK to sexually harass women "just because we have the same parts," and the cool girl who's life revolves around her scrote. Siding public and private abusers.

Two things made me lose faith in my ex best friend of a decade:

• Still claims to be your bestie, but has no enthusiasm for you. Genuine growing apart, or worse, her bread crumbing you, but not ending things because you're her backup friend and just don't know it.

• Pickme-ism with a dude that extends into my life. I try to be patient with this, but I know a girl whose boyfriend raped someone back in college, and when she came out to our friend group, the rapists gf (my ex friend) accused her of lying. Another example is my friend whose fiance wouldn't stop texting me, sometimes at like 2am, trying to chat me up, thinking I'd be an affair partner. When I told her, she blew it off. Cut them both off fucking cold.

I have a current friend who pays for half the housing expenses and her boyfriends fucking car payments, so she can't even drive because she's paying for HIS shit. But then feels good about herself for having a partner.

Exhausting how I beat that game by not playing, but she thinks she has some prize.

She used to date women, and even though I'm straight, I think she'd be happier with a woman again.

centers men - not much to comment on this one

grows distant when you are in a bad place - basically, she's your friend when you are happy and fun, but she forgets you even exist when you are depressed or something like that. suddenly she's never available to talk or go out or anything.

is never happy for you - you level up and she doesn't seem happy about it. on the contrary, she seems bummed out.

cancels plans last minute frequently - it's ok if it happens rarely because sometimes unpredictable things happen. but if she does that frequently, she simply does not respect the time you make yourself available to be with her.

teases you with jokes/comments - the important detail here is that she knows it makes you angry/embarrassed. somehow you've communicated it and she keeps teasing you.

talks shit about you behind your back - to me the problem is when she talks bad things about me to people i know. if she criticizes some of my behaviours to strangers without mentioning my name, i don't really care. most people don't deal very well with criticism, so i get that it's not always a good idea to just say what you think hoping the other person to accept everything. but don't judge me to our friends in common.

doesn't reciprocate in general - you feel like you're friends with her, but she's not friends with you. if you are the only one who puts effort in the friendship, it's girl, bye!

There’s a long list and many people covered it. If your gut feeling tells you they aren’t that into you, or that things are one sided, trust it. If you feel devalued or insulted by comments they make, or the way they speak to you, trust your gut. I get irritated when people lecture me about how I need to live my life. A good friend will empathetically tell you if you did something they believe was wrong. A bad friend will insult you, threaten you, condescend you, lecture you, etc. Constructive feedback should inspire you to improve, and if their advice isn’t doing that, then it’s worth reexamining the friendship. The bad feelings aren’t worth it.

I also want to be surrounded by people with goals, ambitions, hobbies, etc. Ideal friends for me are so focused on their own goals and interests that they don’t have energy to be gossiping about others unnecessarily. It is one thing to vent about situations happening to you, and another to gossip about people whose lives really aren’t your business.