The question is: is he being vulnerable in any way? When he showers you with gifts, whisks you away to a different dreamy location every other day, and keeps all the attention on you, it might feel great, but it distracts from him. He is in full control of how you feel and how you see him, which is the intent behind love bombing. He doesn't have to show anything of himself. If he's being just way too smooth right from the start, assume it's a mask. A man who is truly in love will be a little nervous because he actually feels vulnerable. When he is emotionally healthy, he will also give you space to discover how you feel about him because he wants to be loved for who he actually is.
Wow this is so validating. With an ex, I kept feeling like I never actually got to know who he was. He didn't share what he needed or really had any complaints, and I knew it just didn't make sense. He made it all about me and all about spending time with me, which was def a weakness of mine.
I'm a huge fan of the slow burn. I've learnt to get to know someone over time, so if they are wanting to be with me 24/7 in the early stages, to me it is a sign they cannot be alone and will likely have more sinister reasons to lock me down (eg running from heartbreak, wanting to mooch off me financially or in one extreme case, start to isolate me from family).
I saw a comment on TikTok that love bombing is chasing a feeling, not chasing you. I think about that perspective a lot with new dates.
I got tricked too with that. He spent hundreds on the first date and hundreds more in the coming weeks only to become the worst man I have ever been with and the first and hopefully last man I dated to ever physically harm and terrorize me. Oh and a financial mooch.
I would be cautious about grand gestures and not get caught up in the initial limerance if I could do it again. He moved things very fast and it was very hard to not get caught up in. He was very convincing. He physically was a man I would have built myself if I had to pick what my partner looks like. He acted the way I would have built for myself, if I could pick the perfect personality and life experiences of a partner but a lot of who he was was made up. We had even shared some eerily similar life experiences that he had no way to find out about me before. I just don't know what the heck that was but he somehow knew how to seem like the perfect person for me. If it seems toooo good to be true then be cautious because it likely is. I felt like I was high on cocaine for the first three months because of how insanely perfect for me he seemed.
But the personality thing did fall away within a few months. He dropped the mask as they say, and became so opposite than who he said he was and seemed like it happened gradually over a few years, but if I was in my right mind it would have been obvious sooner.
I'd say don't believe what a man presents himself as at the beginning, because it can be faked by master manipulators. It is easy to get caught up and trust them too soon. Slow things down as much as you can even if your whole being is telling you to go all in and that he is the one. Don't bank on that, wait and be patient. Nobody can hide their true character for very long. Write down anything that bothers you early on no matter how small, and watch the weird red flags build up.
A hint I should have paid attention to was that he was in contact with all his exes. They were all trauma bonded to him. He had a history of overlapping relationships. Never a gap between women he lived with. His motivation was basically for a woman to take care of him. Unstable employment history.
He had a way of being very addictive but in a toxic way. Early dealbreakers didn't register to me because I had butterflies all the time. Pay attention to that too. Butterflies are not an indication that it's the right person for you. For me it was a sign of a person literally intoxicating me. Think of the guy as a drug if he does that to you. It is very very hard to do but you have to tune into your logic and ask yourself if the things that bother you that seem small at the time, are ok with you because every single bad thing about a man gets worse over time.
I hope that is helpful. Very long as I am still angry that I got duped like that years ago. I am certainly no expert but just someone who has experienced this.
"He was very convincing. He physically was a man I would have built myself if I had to pick what my partner looks like. He acted the way I would have built for myself, if I could pick the perfect personality and life experiences of a partner but a lot of who he was was made up."
I resonate with this so much. I saw some of the signs, but since I literally worked with him everyday, never got some solid space away from him, and it was ultimately making me feel good, I just went on that ride. Also feeling duped.
I'm no expert, so take this with a grain of salt. Different lovebombers have slightly different styles.
I have the misfortune of dating one back in uni. We were acquaintances before dating. Lost my feelings very early on because of the cringe, but dated him for 3 months because we had a ton of mutual friends and I didn't want them to see me as an evil woman or something.
Also, my pickme friend has the misfortune of marrying one.
Tl;dr A lovebomber will do and say things as if you mean the world to him, but if you look closely, he loved the IDEA about you, not you as a person. He puts you on a pedestal and worships you like a "goddess", not a human being. As humans have done to gods, a lovebomber does and gifts things he THINKS you'd like. And after he was done with the ritual of worship, he expects you to fulfill his wish 😇 this is where the mask slips. Lovebomber often has overlapping traits with narcissists.
Onto the details.
Some cringe things my ex said only within two weeks of dating:
- I was his soulmate
- Never met anyone like me
- He was born to protect me
- He was proud of me for my achievements and ambitions, but...
- Dreamed about me having his kids and become SAHM (I've always been childfree and wanted a career)
- We were perfect together
- Watched Warm Bodies and told me he was like the zombie dude whose heart started beating only after he met the female lead
- Incomplete without me
Red flags:
- Excessive gifts, but he never bothered to find out what I actually like. He gifted me a raw spice the day after I told him I couldn't stand the smell of it 🚩
- Stalked my class and tests schedule. He texted me good luck every time I was going to have a test which is hella creepy 🚩 Some women might think this is cute, but it's freaking not.
- Threw me a surprise birthday party and invited my friends. I didn't want him to lose face 🙃 so I was trapped the whole night even though I had a major, major test the next morning. He KNEW about the test and that I wanted to spend the whole night studying. I aced the test, thankfully. Plus, I had told him I hate surprise parties before this 🚩
- Took me to date spots but never bought me anything, not even drinks. The country I live in is a tropical country, it's hot and humid. In his head we were having a great date, though 🙄 🚩
- Overshared his childhood stories 🚩
- On dates, he was always the one talking and never noticed I haven't said anything the whole time 🚩 (Not like I wanted to say anything by that point)
- Super clingy. Tried to make me stay with him for longer by being physically obstructive, even if I had other things to do that is important (classes, tests, meetings and so on) 🚩
Non lovebomber red flags:
- Sided with someone who hurt me 🚩
- Tried to debate me not wanting to kiss him 🚩
- Playing devil's advocate 🚩
- Forced a kiss on me 🚩
- Talked about his dick unprompted 🚩 I live in a prudish country btw, so this was a massive red flag. I dumped him not long after this.
- Lastly the classic: Crying in front of our mutual guy friends after I dumped him and claiming he didn't know why lmaoooo 🚩
--------------------
That was my experience. My friend's experience is a bit different because she dated the lovebomber husband as an adult and met him by chance.
The signs, according to her story:
- Excessive texting right after he got her number, day and night. She started her day getting a good morning text and ended the day texting him when she was in bed.
- He wanted what she wanted (at least at first. Now she has to want what he wants.)
- Talked about his dream of having a family and how his time is limited (he's 7 years older than her)
- He said that she was perfect and stuff
He introduced her to his parents a month after they started dating and had dinner together at his parents' house (which is very early here, 3 months is usually the minimum) and that meeting was full of love bombs.
Some major ones:
- She doesn't eat pork and he made a big deal out of it and proudly told her he told his mom to not cook pork dishes for their first dinner. His mom mentioned it during the dinner too, cementing his "caring" persona.
- Mom tended to her shoes (which is culturally done for only people whose social status is above you, like parents or employers, to show how much you respect them)
- Mom said that my friend would make a perfect bride for her son (yes, it was their first meeting)
- She was treated "like a princess" during the visit.
They got married within a year of meeting each other. The man turned into a controlling husband who wants his wife barefoot and pregnant. Which is sad because she was a driven career woman and a high achiever.
Well absence of respect was my first sign. He liked what I liked, was into things I'm into, wanted to try things I like and engage in hobbies I'm interested in. Saying he'll love to visit my home and be at my presence.
There was no compatibility I just felt I was being liked.
There were moments where the mask slips and wanted to teach me a lesson in not saying I love you back when I'm angry with him and how hurtful that is.
With other words if he doesn't seem to have an interest of his own and likes what you like and everything you like or experienced parallels with his own then it's love bombing.
For example "I dreamed about the full moon"
Him : "Omg me too!" We are so alike"
If you never met someone who is so much like you Then it's love bombing he makes you feel at ease because he played his part well to make you think you are on the same level.
A man who values you doesn't act like he is the male version of you, he prioritize what he can offer, treats you with the upmost respect but is still his own person. He has his own hobbies his own interest, it's perfectly fine if he has some hobbies like yours and is willing to try something new but like I said if everything you like and experienced parallels with his with no good explanation then he is just being nice to you to get what he wants such as sex.
For me, the big ones are 1) mirroring (he likes everything that you like, wants everything you want, no difference of opinion- I *want* to see he has his own perspectives)…it’s good to have common ground but being into all you are is suss 2) wanting to extend dates for hours and hours in the first few dates. I don’t care how much fun he’s having, a man should not be eating up that “we talked until 3AM!” kinda time in the early days.
I don't have an answer, but I'm really curious about this too. It's really hard for me to tell the difference between a man love bombing vs just catching feelings early.
There was a guy, that always imagined all these expensive vacations we were going to take, planning to go apple picking, and the kids were were going to have. However, after our first date, when questioned if this was a date he said no, then changed his mind the next day and insisted that it was. I dated this guy all in a span of three days. I find it hysterical how he can envision all the kids we’re going to have and take me apple picking, but he can’t decide on whether or not we’re on a date. Gosh men these days love to live in this “gray area” because they can’t handle rejection.
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The question is: is he being vulnerable in any way? When he showers you with gifts, whisks you away to a different dreamy location every other day, and keeps all the attention on you, it might feel great, but it distracts from him. He is in full control of how you feel and how you see him, which is the intent behind love bombing. He doesn't have to show anything of himself. If he's being just way too smooth right from the start, assume it's a mask. A man who is truly in love will be a little nervous because he actually feels vulnerable. When he is emotionally healthy, he will also give you space to discover how you feel about him because he wants to be loved for who he actually is.
I'm a huge fan of the slow burn. I've learnt to get to know someone over time, so if they are wanting to be with me 24/7 in the early stages, to me it is a sign they cannot be alone and will likely have more sinister reasons to lock me down (eg running from heartbreak, wanting to mooch off me financially or in one extreme case, start to isolate me from family).
I saw a comment on TikTok that love bombing is chasing a feeling, not chasing you. I think about that perspective a lot with new dates.
I got tricked too with that. He spent hundreds on the first date and hundreds more in the coming weeks only to become the worst man I have ever been with and the first and hopefully last man I dated to ever physically harm and terrorize me. Oh and a financial mooch.
I would be cautious about grand gestures and not get caught up in the initial limerance if I could do it again. He moved things very fast and it was very hard to not get caught up in. He was very convincing. He physically was a man I would have built myself if I had to pick what my partner looks like. He acted the way I would have built for myself, if I could pick the perfect personality and life experiences of a partner but a lot of who he was was made up. We had even shared some eerily similar life experiences that he had no way to find out about me before. I just don't know what the heck that was but he somehow knew how to seem like the perfect person for me. If it seems toooo good to be true then be cautious because it likely is. I felt like I was high on cocaine for the first three months because of how insanely perfect for me he seemed.
But the personality thing did fall away within a few months. He dropped the mask as they say, and became so opposite than who he said he was and seemed like it happened gradually over a few years, but if I was in my right mind it would have been obvious sooner.
I'd say don't believe what a man presents himself as at the beginning, because it can be faked by master manipulators. It is easy to get caught up and trust them too soon. Slow things down as much as you can even if your whole being is telling you to go all in and that he is the one. Don't bank on that, wait and be patient. Nobody can hide their true character for very long. Write down anything that bothers you early on no matter how small, and watch the weird red flags build up.
A hint I should have paid attention to was that he was in contact with all his exes. They were all trauma bonded to him. He had a history of overlapping relationships. Never a gap between women he lived with. His motivation was basically for a woman to take care of him. Unstable employment history.
He had a way of being very addictive but in a toxic way. Early dealbreakers didn't register to me because I had butterflies all the time. Pay attention to that too. Butterflies are not an indication that it's the right person for you. For me it was a sign of a person literally intoxicating me. Think of the guy as a drug if he does that to you. It is very very hard to do but you have to tune into your logic and ask yourself if the things that bother you that seem small at the time, are ok with you because every single bad thing about a man gets worse over time.
I hope that is helpful. Very long as I am still angry that I got duped like that years ago. I am certainly no expert but just someone who has experienced this.
I'm no expert, so take this with a grain of salt. Different lovebombers have slightly different styles.
I have the misfortune of dating one back in uni. We were acquaintances before dating. Lost my feelings very early on because of the cringe, but dated him for 3 months because we had a ton of mutual friends and I didn't want them to see me as an evil woman or something.
Also, my pickme friend has the misfortune of marrying one.
Tl;dr A lovebomber will do and say things as if you mean the world to him, but if you look closely, he loved the IDEA about you, not you as a person. He puts you on a pedestal and worships you like a "goddess", not a human being. As humans have done to gods, a lovebomber does and gifts things he THINKS you'd like. And after he was done with the ritual of worship, he expects you to fulfill his wish 😇 this is where the mask slips. Lovebomber often has overlapping traits with narcissists.
Onto the details.
Some cringe things my ex said only within two weeks of dating:
- I was his soulmate
- Never met anyone like me
- He was born to protect me
- He was proud of me for my achievements and ambitions, but...
- Dreamed about me having his kids and become SAHM (I've always been childfree and wanted a career)
- We were perfect together
- Watched Warm Bodies and told me he was like the zombie dude whose heart started beating only after he met the female lead
- Incomplete without me
Red flags:
- Excessive gifts, but he never bothered to find out what I actually like. He gifted me a raw spice the day after I told him I couldn't stand the smell of it 🚩
- Stalked my class and tests schedule. He texted me good luck every time I was going to have a test which is hella creepy 🚩 Some women might think this is cute, but it's freaking not.
- Threw me a surprise birthday party and invited my friends. I didn't want him to lose face 🙃 so I was trapped the whole night even though I had a major, major test the next morning. He KNEW about the test and that I wanted to spend the whole night studying. I aced the test, thankfully. Plus, I had told him I hate surprise parties before this 🚩
- Took me to date spots but never bought me anything, not even drinks. The country I live in is a tropical country, it's hot and humid. In his head we were having a great date, though 🙄 🚩
- Overshared his childhood stories 🚩
- On dates, he was always the one talking and never noticed I haven't said anything the whole time 🚩 (Not like I wanted to say anything by that point)
- Super clingy. Tried to make me stay with him for longer by being physically obstructive, even if I had other things to do that is important (classes, tests, meetings and so on) 🚩
Non lovebomber red flags:
- Sided with someone who hurt me 🚩
- Tried to debate me not wanting to kiss him 🚩
- Playing devil's advocate 🚩
- Forced a kiss on me 🚩
- Talked about his dick unprompted 🚩 I live in a prudish country btw, so this was a massive red flag. I dumped him not long after this.
- Lastly the classic: Crying in front of our mutual guy friends after I dumped him and claiming he didn't know why lmaoooo 🚩
--------------------
That was my experience. My friend's experience is a bit different because she dated the lovebomber husband as an adult and met him by chance.
The signs, according to her story:
- Excessive texting right after he got her number, day and night. She started her day getting a good morning text and ended the day texting him when she was in bed.
- He wanted what she wanted (at least at first. Now she has to want what he wants.)
- Talked about his dream of having a family and how his time is limited (he's 7 years older than her)
- He said that she was perfect and stuff
He introduced her to his parents a month after they started dating and had dinner together at his parents' house (which is very early here, 3 months is usually the minimum) and that meeting was full of love bombs.
Some major ones:
- She doesn't eat pork and he made a big deal out of it and proudly told her he told his mom to not cook pork dishes for their first dinner. His mom mentioned it during the dinner too, cementing his "caring" persona.
- Mom tended to her shoes (which is culturally done for only people whose social status is above you, like parents or employers, to show how much you respect them)
- Mom said that my friend would make a perfect bride for her son (yes, it was their first meeting)
- She was treated "like a princess" during the visit.
They got married within a year of meeting each other. The man turned into a controlling husband who wants his wife barefoot and pregnant. Which is sad because she was a driven career woman and a high achiever.
Hope it helps!
Well absence of respect was my first sign. He liked what I liked, was into things I'm into, wanted to try things I like and engage in hobbies I'm interested in. Saying he'll love to visit my home and be at my presence.
There was no compatibility I just felt I was being liked.
There were moments where the mask slips and wanted to teach me a lesson in not saying I love you back when I'm angry with him and how hurtful that is.
With other words if he doesn't seem to have an interest of his own and likes what you like and everything you like or experienced parallels with his own then it's love bombing.
For example "I dreamed about the full moon"
Him : "Omg me too!" We are so alike"
If you never met someone who is so much like you Then it's love bombing he makes you feel at ease because he played his part well to make you think you are on the same level.
A man who values you doesn't act like he is the male version of you, he prioritize what he can offer, treats you with the upmost respect but is still his own person. He has his own hobbies his own interest, it's perfectly fine if he has some hobbies like yours and is willing to try something new but like I said if everything you like and experienced parallels with his with no good explanation then he is just being nice to you to get what he wants such as sex.
For me, the big ones are 1) mirroring (he likes everything that you like, wants everything you want, no difference of opinion- I *want* to see he has his own perspectives)…it’s good to have common ground but being into all you are is suss 2) wanting to extend dates for hours and hours in the first few dates. I don’t care how much fun he’s having, a man should not be eating up that “we talked until 3AM!” kinda time in the early days.
I don't have an answer, but I'm really curious about this too. It's really hard for me to tell the difference between a man love bombing vs just catching feelings early.
Always be weary of grand gestures, whether they are physical gifts, actions, or words.
There was a guy, that always imagined all these expensive vacations we were going to take, planning to go apple picking, and the kids were were going to have. However, after our first date, when questioned if this was a date he said no, then changed his mind the next day and insisted that it was. I dated this guy all in a span of three days. I find it hysterical how he can envision all the kids we’re going to have and take me apple picking, but he can’t decide on whether or not we’re on a date. Gosh men these days love to live in this “gray area” because they can’t handle rejection.