Wanting to Change - I need advice!

Read the FDS handbook and find copies of Not Your Mother's Rules and Why Men Marry Bitches. None of these are perfect but they will give you a general overview of why what you have been doing doesn't work, and why chasing men is self-harm.

Start tracking calories with an app like My Fitness Pal or Cronometer (both free) and be relentlessly, brutally honest about every bite and sip you consume throughout the day. Aim for a caloric deficit of at least 500 calories daily for slow, well-managed weight loss that is sustainable. Start moving every day, even if it's just a lap or two around the block. Try to sweat every day; it stimulates collagen production, promotes lymphatic drainage, boosts mood naturally, and builds muscle tone/cardiovascular health. Do not make excuses for overeating or being lazy. You owe it to yourself to be healthy, and that precludes being sedentary and/or overweight.

Get a job, even if it's a shitty job that you don't want to do forever. You need to have financial security, however modest, and you cannot do that without an income. Without financial security, you are far more likely to think of some low value scrote as your savior on a white horse because of whatever monetary benefits you think he could provide, or that he promises to you (spoiler: he's lying). It's fine to want to wait for that dream job, but be able to pay the bills by waiting tables or slinging coffee or walking dogs in the meantime. Settling for unemployment and poverty is not high value behavior; no one likes a bum.

There are low-cost and no-cost therapy options; find them and use them. Until you sort out why you are trying to fill the hole in your heart with attention from men, you're likely to keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns. Focus on yourself, and only yourself, until you feel strong and secure enough to vet men with a cold and calculating eye.

Men should be the least of your concerns right now. By your own statements you need to pay close attention to your own needs and focus on gaining independence (financial and otherwise). Always remember that low value men seek out vulnerable women, because they are easier to exploit and abuse. Reduce your vulnerabilities and work hard on improving your life at every level. One day, with enough time and hard work, you will become impervious to low value men and can brutally mock their pathetic attempts to harm you with the rest of us here.

Good luck, sis. You aren't alone and while we might not sugarcoat the advice here, we do want you to succeed. Just be willing to put in the work. 😘

You’ve already done the hardest part by acknowledging the behaviors that are contributing to your unhappiness. FDS is not just about finding a HVM but about being a HVW that won’t tolerate anything but the best treatment from men. It’s a journey to self worth and self respect. Here’s a link to the handbook on archive.org. Don’t let the length overwhelm you. Take it in at your own pace and focus on how you want to make your life better. Start sharing your goals and progress on the weekly accountability threads and you’ll have all of us cheering you on every step of the way https://archive.org/details/fds-handbook-v-1.35/mode/1up?view=theater

Astria

Maybe there should be badges for new members so others know they’re new, to avoid situations like this?

Hi, I remember your post! As someone said above, our comments might have been a bit harsh, but they had your best interest in mind. I'm glad you were able to see it and reflect enough to realize you need to make changes. What I'd like to add on top of what everyone said is: 1. Mental health That's the basis for a healthy, happy life. Therapy would be the best option here so, if you have the means to, absolutely do it. If not, try to look for low/no cost options as someone said. If it's not possible at all, there's amazing content on the internet that can be used as a great start/backup. In addition to the books, channels and podcasts recommended by the other ladies in this post, I think it would do you good to look into self-steem content and codependency/attachment theory. Also, femininity/feminine energy content is not for everyone, but I would suggest you to look into it before making your mind because I've seen it do wonders for people who resonated with it. 2. Physical health Equally as important but, most of the times, the harder to stick to. The two fundaments of physical health are: 2.1 Eating better Even if you work out like crazy, you cannot undo the damage that not feeding your body right will cause. I'm not a fan of tracking calories because I think that it can lead to EDs in some cases, but it's personal preference. If your biggest struggle is overeating, try to be mindful about it. Sometimes we tend to eat our emotions, specially when we're not in a good place mentally. Everytime you crave something or have the urge to eat, try to distinguish if you're really hungry or if you're using it as a for of escapism for sadness, boredom, anger, etc. It's better if you're able to write it down so you can see patterns of behaviour and what triggers you the most. But even only thinking about it can be helpful. If eating junk is the problem, try to get to the root cause: - Do you have little to no time? Try looking into meal prep and quick meals. - No motivation to cook or don't know how to? Look for easy and simple recipes that can be arranged quickly and don't require a lot of steps. - Fresh food is expensive where you live? Minimally processed foods, like canned/frozen veggies, are also good options. There's no one size fits all solution to this, you'll have to take the time to reflect on your biggest obstacles to be able to overcome this effectively. 2.2 Exercise Thank God we have the internet. Look into different types of workouts and try what you think you'll like the most (or dislike the least). There's a huge amount of workout videos on youtube, and I personally love an app called FitOn. It's free and have all types of workouts for you to choose from. It also lets you filter workouts for length, intensity, equipment, instructor, etc. I love that it lets you schedule a workout for a set time and date. When it's time to do it they send a "[instructor A] is waiting for your session" notification, and I like this way of phrasing it because even though the videos are pre-recorded, it makes it seem like we have an appointment. It's a nice touch. I'm a huge advocate for baby steps in order to build strong habits, so try to start small. Promising yourself that you'll workout 5x a week when you're not moving at all will only set you for failure and dissappointment if you're not able to keep it up. Most of the time, it's best to start with something really small like "I'll do a 5min workout everyweek". If you're able to do more than what you said you would, great! But when you're not motivated at all, this small goal will still be doable, and then you'll be able to build consistency, which is the key. Consistency will help you build confidence in yourself and trust more in your ability to reach your goals. All in all, you have a lot to tackle right now. Don't try to do everything at once or you might overwhelm yourself. Reflect on your priorities, write down what you wanna try and start by what you think is the most important. Go slow but steady. But, first of all, forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made untill now. You behaved like our patriarchal society expected and groomed you to. Now that you know it, you have the power in your hands to do the work necessary to build a life that suits your best interests and where you can become the best version of yourself. It's a lot of work, but you have your whole life ahead of you and you're not alone. We're here for you. Good luck!

Welcome, Rani, and believe me when I say you are about to start the most amazing, transformative journey of your life. Many of us have been in your shoes! Through the journey, some of us have discovered we actually WANT to be single and are most fulfilled that way. Some of us have discovered we are actually lesbian. Some of us have found we have neglected other amazing paths in life all because we were too focused on finding a man. And some of us have found our dream man all because our learned self-sufficiency from the journey made us feel amazing and we learned to only date men who could recognize how amazing we are. Seriously, so many paths will open up for you. I second the advice and wisdom shared in the comments. Let us know if you ever need more advice!

i think everyone has given good advice!

I just wanted to say good luck on your journey ! We all have to start somewhere and it’s never too late to make a change. I think most of us started out similar to you! 💛

Hey Rani, realisation is the first step, go conquer the world, queen! the world is your oyster. Also, I would recommend volunteering as a way of cultivating gratitude. Queens don't do self-pity, they rise above the situation