Vetting Strategy Help- Do you keep track of how many questions a guy asks you during a video call?

I'm honestly a terrible conversationalist with men when I first get to know them, so I tend to naturally just drop off situations where men aren't shouldering a lot of the conversational burden and asking questions. My friend on the other hand is fantastic at smalltalk and finds she runs into your problem - too many guys end up just not asking her much about herself at all. I think when you're a naturally effusive and extroverted person a lot of men will just sort of entertain talking to you because you do most of the work, so you have to be extra cautious that they're contributing to the same degree. I think your purposely holding back strategy is a good idea. I find that even though I'm a shitty conversationalist initially if there's an awkward silence I'll try to fill the space, so if they aren't doing that they really must not be that into you (and don't take it as an insult, they're in all likelihood deranged).

Definitely agree that a lack of questions equates a lack of interest. I won't go out of my way to count how many questions they ask, but I will keep note of how well I feel like a person has gotten to know me after X number of dates. I also see it as a red flag if I find myself trying to withold information or start to resent them early on for not asking something sooner. I think I am an extraordinarily interesting person, so spending time with people who do not show curiosity toward me or my life is undermining and affects my self esteem over time.

A video chat is your opportunity to screen for red flags.

If you enjoy the chat and don't notice any weird behaviour, great.

I'd steer clear of any man who asks too personal questions that can put you in danger: Demanding to know where you work (exact location), how much you earn, your home address, any sexual questions. Or any Qs about past relationships. Most other Qs are fine (what food do you like, interests, hobbies).

I am an extroverted, effusive type personality and I find I can easily keep the conversation going all by myself. Lol. So I definitely have to consciously reign myself back in order to not dominate the conversation. I'll do this only if I care about the guys perspective. He should be asking questions to get to know you. If they're not asking questions it's because it's all about sex for them, so getting to know you is not a priority.

if it ends up being too interview-like, i.e. q&a reliant, leave the call and block. video vetting is supposed to be mutual and it can lay the foundation for how much mental and conversation labor you'll have to put in during an actual date.

This is a GREAT strategy. Specifically pay attention to if he's asking questions to get to know you as a person, and then whether he digs a little deeper. Assess whether he's actually trying to see what you're like.

Because sometimes, maybe most of the time, when they ask questions, it's so that they can then take your answer and use it to turn the spotlight back on them like it's some kind of competition, or like he's striving to "prove" how much you have in common so you'll fuck him.

Is he asking questions to learn about you, or to force you to watch his little "look at me and please fuck me" dance?

Guys who do this are manipulative in lots of other ways as well, you will find.

Once, I fell in love with a guy because he asked me questions about myself on a date. I was so unused to men asking me something, that I thought I found a white knight right there. I'm only mentioning it because men monologuing at me has been the plague of my life. I am never ever dating a guy who does this.. my life's actually pretty damn interesting and if they fail to ask about it, or ask but obviously don't listen, then they're out!

I think if you're tempted to count how many questions a guy has asked you, you probably already sense the conversation sucks. If you were having fun, you wouldn't wanna count stuff.

I noticed whenever I fill up the silences in a conversation, not only does the guy not like it and get turned off, but I also don't learn anything about him. If I had just allowed my ex to speak more, I would have found out more sooner and gotten out sooner.

Men have different conversational patterns than women do. Women have been socialized to ask a lot of questions to show interest, and women are also socialized to feel ashamed of talking too much so if we have taken over the conversational spotlight for too long, we will naturally switch and start asking our friend questions and sitting back. Men do not have this socialization and in fact, when men meet up with each other it is mostly "activity centered" rather than conversation centered, eg. they meet up to golf, play tennis, play video games etc vs women who often meet up with conversation as the main purpose. If you ask the man a lot of questions, he will not intuitively know that you are just being polite and waiting for him to notice that he has not asked you any questions because this is not how men work. He thinks you continue to ask questions because you continue to be curious and because for the man, the date is a job interview. If the job interviewer is asking you a question about yourself, most men know not to reply to the question with a question about the company. If he has been talking for a bit, don't ask another question. Instead, make a statement about yourself, such as "I've been reading the best book lately". If he uses your statement as a jumping off point to talk about the cool books that he has been reading, that is a red flag. But if he takes interest in your statement and asks you followup questions about what you said, he is interested in you. Also, I noticed you said you are having 1 to 2 hour video calls with these men. Remember to keep video calls short! Around 30/45 min max.