update to comment to discussion to argument

I went on my personal blog and wrote this out, borrowing here and there from FDS members' spot-on observations. Here's what I plan to post on my personal page on Facebook. Any and all suggestions, insertions, deletions are appreciated. Sorry about random formatting; I don't know how to undo that.

On even more reflection, I'm tempted just to post the geas without an analysis of the scrote-y reasoning. Strikes me as over-communicating and giving too much attention. The geas is one and done, and then he gets karma and no more attention from me ever again except in the most formal, surface polite sense. -- K

Before Christmas, a conversation was had first online on a female friend's public Facebook page; a male person wrote something that seemed deeply sexist and wrong, and I refuted it, thinking that would be the end of it. Far from it. Then he messaged me personally, and seemed to want to debate, and I got drawn into it. The more comments he made, the more sexist, slut-shaming, and vile I found them to be. So here I am refuting all of it. I have deliberately waited until after Christmas to post this.

Let me make it clear that at heart, I am an easy-going person. I mostly go along to get along, but there are times like this where I simply must speak up and confront horrible attitudes toward women. Let me also make it clear that I avoid confrontation unless and until someone brings it directly to me. This has been brought directly to me, in my private messages, and it is ON. This man thought *this* conversation was blunt? Read on. I pull no punches, so if you have any traditional, conservative, conventional beliefs about the sexes, stop reading here.

This conversation was with a man who is a major, long-time player in our Kingdom, but I'm not here to name and shame. It's the words and ideas that I want to push back on; that is what needs to change. I want this person to read this, feel bad for the time it takes to read this, then change the way he thinks and sees women. I appreciate that all *observable* behavior is and has been chivalrous, courteous, and honorable so far as I have ever seen as a returned newbie. Comments are added as needed in parentheses. What is referenced here is the private conversation.

S: Apparently Men’s Brains Are Hardwired to Choose Sex Over Food

Me: What a shock! :) (laugh emoji)

S: If you accept the idea that men are hardwired for sex then you have to agree that women are the gatekeepers.

Me: I don’t accept either of those ideas. Way too stereotyped and other people are not responsible for other people’s behavior. It’s on men not to rape or harass.

(And if by "gatekeepers" he means what I said first, that women are somehow responsible for men's behavior, wrong idea; the individual is responsible for their own behavior. If he means that women gatekeep who gets sex and who gets to reproduce, overall I agree, but with rape and coercion which are consistently under-reported, that's not universally true, especially in a post-Roe world.

Moreover, he's working off the assumption that men are powerless to control their own urges. This is demeaning to MEN, not women. Men are capable of being more than just mindless zombies following their dick throughout life—yet this guy is arguing against that.)

S: That definitely makes you blameless. There are pretty many studies stating that men are hardwired. That doesn’t excuse them from taking it too far. What I’m saying is if the woman doesn’t say no or show that she does not want him, he will try. Today, many women not only don’t say no, but act promiscuously! A no is still a no, but sometimes the line can be blurred. I have never had any trouble in this area because I always wait until the woman makes the first move. I think many men would feel they have to make the first move.

Me: Women aren’t to blame when men rape and harass. No woman wants that so forcing her to say no is not a valid argument. The action itself is wrong to rape/harass. There are no blurred lines. You simply can’t blame men’s choosing an immoral, unethical way of behaving on women’s behavior or dress.

(Moreover, a perfect victim doesn't exist, especially with coercion. Many women freeze in the moment; they want to say no, but they are not capable. Let's also shred "women act promiscuously" — humans do that, men and women; we are sexual beings. It's again not on women to gatekeep men's behavior; it's not on men to gatekeep women's behavior. It's on the individual to decide how to act.)

S: Your (sic) not reading what I write. You are reading what you think I’m saying.

(This is gaslighting.)

Me: You don’t get to tell me about what I read or understand. I am reading what you write and disagreeing.

S: No your (sic) disagreeing with what you think I’m saying. Already you have mentioned more than once that women aren’t to blame when a man rapes or harasses them. Nothing I wrote says that I believe that. I said the opposite.

(This is bullshit and it's more gaslighting. Every woman I know who's been raped or assaulted let the man know through words and avoidance behavior that it's not cool, not wanted, not consensual, and he just overran her will anyway, which is criminal.

Moreover, humans are wired for sex; it's not just men who want sex and women just "put up" with it. If he's saying that women decide who gets sex and who gets to reproduce, yes we do overall, but again, huge over-generalization since rape and coercion exist. This strikes me as plausible deniability. The words "rape" and "assault" and "coercion" aren't used specifically but it's what's meant clearly, so let's name those things for what they are. Let's not dance around what's actually meant. I don't play the Schrodinger's meaning game.)

S: Omgosh! Someone must of hurt you badly to have this outlook on life. I only meant that the woman has to decide if there is going to be relations or not. The guy is obviously trying to approach this type of intimacy. The women has to make it known if it is ok or not. Of course the guy should accept this decision. I never even hinted to rape or harassment as an option. You brought this into the equation.

Me: No, no one "hurt" me in sarcastic quotation marks. (GIGANTIC EYEROLL) That's what I said, he makes the first move; she's open and receptive, and you get "hurt" out of that? Just wow.

(Don't even try to make this about me. This isn't about me; it's about you simply being wrong, slut-shaming women, being a rape apologist, then trying to DARVO? It. will. not. work.)

S: Ok! Misunderstood. You’re just out of touch! Women, today, definitely make the first move. I don’t agree with it, but it’s what’s out there. You’re definitely being very rough about how you answer me. You do know that says more about you and the way you take my texts than “ small dick energy”. I thought we were friends and having a polite conversation. If I hit a nerve, just say so.

Me: You think what you think and I disagree. We can agree to disagree because humans are all over the map on personal preferences and how we approach relationships. I am absolutely assertive in how I answer and I own it. I appreciate your being a fellow teacher and a courteous acquaintance and new friend. I also know men and women do come down hard in some things but overall there’s more agreement than not.

S: I’ll take your out! We can agree to disagree. Just know, I do not believe you understood what I was trying to say. I can think of two main reasons for that. 1. I’m not using the correct words to relay my point or 2, You have an emotional block. I’m leaning toward the latter, but that might just be my ego!

(I KNOW I understood quite well, and I won't be gaslit. I don't at all have any "emotional block" and like you'd know anyway. You simply don't ever get to tell me about myself since you don't know me, and I do know me.)

Me: My thought is let’s say we are all at an event and gathered for court. A man smiles at me; I smile back and think okay, he’s friendly. But if he doesn’t approach me, I’ll think there is some minimal attraction but no real impetus to meet and get to know me, so thanks for the ego boost. It’s your ego. I also think a lot of this is pretty highly nuanced; it’s deeply personal; and there is a lot of historical baggage along with it. No blocks here or I’d acknowledge it. I do think that in interpersonal relations, men and women can and do approach things differently like men consistently overestimating that women are into them when women are just being polite and agreeable.

(And here it was laid to rest, but overall, I'm disgusted with slut-shaming, rape apology, the apparent madonna/whore syndrome, gaslighting in complete ignorance, not asking questions, presuming way too much, and DARVO tactics.

Here's where I lay a geas upon you, S. For those of you who don't know, a geas is basically a merciful curse: change your heart and mind, escape punishment. Don't change, keep going how you're going, suffer mightily.

By all the old gods, and all the new; by earth, wind, fire, and water; by north, south, east, and west; by all that is holy, and all that is unholy: I lay this geas upon you, S, for as long as you shall live. Believe any wrong, outdated, sexist, hateful thing about women, and may your heart shrink and wither; believe well, equitably, and rightly, and prosper. A closed heart cannot love others: open your eyes or lose sight, lose heart, lose hope and despair. See women as less than human, less than capable, may you yourself become utterly incapable, so that you will have to depend on others to survive, a man become as helpless as a newborn babe. See women as promiscuous, may you be reborn into a brothel, daughter of 1,000 fathers, in poverty and great beauty. For if your eyes and heart are not open, blindness will surely swallow you, death will stalk and accost you, and all who you love will leave you, til you die alone and friendless, unloved and unremembered. So mote it be.)