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Hi ladies,
A couple of weeks ago, I made a post on here, you can see the link below for context: https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/ask-fds-public/fiance-says-he-s-not-ready-for-marriage-now-should-i-stay-or-leave/p-1-2?origin=notification
I'm happy (kind of) to update everyone that I left my fiance. I did try to work it out and put in efforts to make it work, that was my mistake. However, after careful consideration and a lot of tears, I felt myself slowly turning into a doormat and losing my dignity, I finally worked up the courage and ended it yesterday.
He tried to guilt me into it, saying that this was all my decision that ruined the relationship. We were having a great day initally but something came to me in a moment, and I called him to end it. I've been in a lot of pain since and I have moved a lot of belongings back to my parens' house. I will move the rest once he is at work so I don't have to see him.
I wish I never tried to talk it out with him and just cut ties. A big reason for it was because of the guilt he made me feel. He said that i ruined everything by running away when he finally required some efforts from me and that he would never marry someone who gives up as easily as me anyway.
I didn't try to argue with him so i left. He kept guilting me saying that he's glad we ended it and he doesn't care anymore if it works out so he also thanked me for ripping the bandage off. After awhile, he suddenly switched from the cruel words and started wishing me luck and that i'm such a wonderful woman and anyone would be lucky to have me. That really hurt me too because he didn't show any emotions or regret.
Thank you for all the advice that were given to me. I really appreciated it. Although it took me awhile to finally be ready for it (I'm still not sure), but I broke up with him anyway and he is blocked on everything. I know I'm going to miss him, miss what the relationship could have been, but I cannot be waiting around for someone to marry me while putting all my self-respect and efforts into pleasing such a person who feels so resentful and indiferrent towards me.
I guess one question I have is, how do I let go with all the shame and guilt? He blames everything on me and sees no fault or change in himself. I want to learn to forgive myself. My parents are very supportive and loving but they don't really know what else to say besides from encouraging me to give it time. Any immediate fix to alleviate the guilt ladies?
Congratulations on taking the first step in excising your abuser from your life!
Now comes the difficult part. Even though you broke up with him verbally, he may be in denial and has plenty of opportunity to seek revenge and abuse you more. Right now, you are arguably more vulnerable than you were before the breakup. He may think he has nothing to lose and do something desperate or violent. If I were you, I would be extremely careful.
I think you need to move the rest of your belongings out of the house/apartment he is currently living in and cut all ties with him ASAP. Block all phone numbers, emails, and social media. I would go so far as to block all mutual friends.
As for your guilt, you can deal with it later. Once you cut him out of your life completely, you will 1) begin to realize he doesn't deserve your guilt and 2) perhaps even feel angry at yourself for feeling guilty in the first place. Why do you need to feel guilty towards your abuser? Does a mouse feel guilty about escaping a cat that was going to hunt and kill him?
I repeat: you are not yet in the clear, physically speaking. Until you cut all ties, you are still his victim.
Reread this sentence. He literally told you he doesn't care about you or the relationship. He literally said this. ANY guilt or doubts you feel should melt away rereading this. Of course you did the right thing.
I remember your first post and told you then that this guy is an abuser. My opinion hasn't changed. He lied to you about his debts, lied to you about his intentions for marriage, and started verbally abusing you and telling you you're not good enough for him. The truth is HE is not good enough for anyone.
All of this was a shit test. He wanted a doormat and you failed. By doing that, you are walking away from a lifetime of abuse. Would not be surprised if this guy was a batterer. You left before he started beating you.
You feel like shit right now because that was his intention. This is what abusers do. It's a sign you did the right thing. You've been betrayed by someone you loved and trusted. Of course you'd feel bad for a while but it'll pass and days will get sunnier again now that his poison is out of your life.
Make sure he stays blocked because I guarantee once he discovers he can't get anyone else he'll try to come back with fake apologies about how he's finally seen the light and he's sorry. Don't believe him. Fake apologies are textbook parts of abuse. Google the abuse cycle.
Abusers do just that. They fill you with shame and guilt. That's how you know they are abusers. So to answer your question: you need to educate yourself on how abusers operate. Read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft if you haven't. You need to deconstruct what he did to you and deprogram yourself. Also, grieve and process the painful emotions (see my last post about misplaced love). Lean on your support network and make it bigger, especially women. Go to therapy if you find yourself unable to move on in a few months. Read radical feminism. But mostly, never forget to fill your life with beauty, love and put in the effort to fulfill your unmet needs. I learned too late that living a full life is part of abuse recovery too. It can't be all about introspection, analysis and education. Healing is also re-engaging with the world around you. You got this. ❤️😎
Block him everywhere! Also block all his family members, friends, mutual friends etc. Cut ALL ties with him.
I remember your post; so glad you left!
He’s a narcissistic baby that love bombed you. He couldn’t keep up with appearances and trick you. If he’d marry you his mask would have came off instantly.
I don’t know why he switched up, but he probably wanted to end it on “good terms” or someone corrected him lol I know that the person that corrected him was family. I bet you they told him he fucked up, and wasn’t being a man. They probably know that he’s a loser and was lucky to have you in his life.
Don’t worry, it took you two weeks to try and work things out. That’s really quick. It took me two months to work up the courage and break up with my ex. It takes time and practice to leave when it gets bad. Sadly, some people will never leave and that’s is the bigger issue.
Let him have his words. Let him say whatever he wants. The reason why he’s running his mouth is because he’s not getting what he wants. Men can’t take bad news well, so most of them will say shit to get back at you for hurting their ego. You were right when you said that you should have not given him a chance to talk it out. It’s okay, now you know not to do that with another man. This is a learning lesson for you and it’s okay.
My advice is for you not to seek closure from him again. Once you move out; it's done. If you're feeling petty, put some raw shrimp in the nooks and cranny of his place and take every single thing that you bought for the house with you. Yes this includes cutlery. Remember, you're hurting too.
Also, in your relationship, I know you made some compromises. If it's financial, go ahead and spend money on yourself.
Forgiving yourself is the hard part and it takes time. You are going to be mourning the death of your relationship. Each day you'll wake up and heal, and one day you won't even think about him anymore. There are times you'll relapse but it's normal. What worked for me was distraction and having a busy schedule. I found myself thinking him about less each day. Now, I'm at a point where I find myself attracted to other men. I don't remember my ex that well anymore, just the bad feelings he gave me.
Read "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited" by Dr. Sam Vaknin. You're dealing with one of those.