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Hey all! Hoping for some input and thoughts here.
I'm a recovering forever girlfriend (broke up with a cheating scrote after 9 years in Jan). I moved out and into my mom's place to save money, and I am in the process of planning to move in with two friends (married couple) who have a large house in another state.
Since even before my breakup, they have been wanting to pair me up with a friend of theirs. They have very strict parameters of who they allow in their circle and historically have very high value people in their lives, so overall I trust their judgment as a good tier 1 level strategy.
On paper their friend has good baseline stats. He's an engineer and works a high paying job, owns a house, works out and recently stopped drinking. He's in therapy and has similar goals and values as me. I have met him before at group events and do enjoy his company, though we haven't spent a lot of time together because we currently live far apart.
The issue is I know they have talked about my failing / failed relationship with him, which is something I would not have wanted to reveal. I'm also sure they have talked him about wanting to pair us up likely as much as they have spoken to me about it which makes it a little awkward. They mean well, of course, but this does put a huge dent on potential vetting because this guy has a little insight into my relationship.
What are your thoughts? I'm leaning towards trying to get to know him and vet anyway, cause a HVM would not use that against me so either he is or he isn't but of course scrotes in sheeps clothing can use these things as manipulation tactic.
Thanks, queens.
Act like they said nothing and vet as strictly with anyone you'd normally vet who doesn't know about your last relationship. If he's smart he'll pick up on the social queue not to mention it, and wait for you to bring it up. If he's already made harmful snap judgements against you like, "oh I can blow off this woman's needs," it will show. Block and delete at the first sign of disrespect, weirdness, or deal breaker.
When you say he recently stopped drinking, do you mean he's in recovery? Or did he go from occasional social drinking to zero drinking? If he has recently started recovery he shouldn't be dating anyone, and your friends should know better.
Why would your “friends” share your failing relationship with him. I think you need to worry about your friends being shady more than the guy right now. This is something that you didn’t want to reveal to him, so why is it acceptable for your “friends” to talk about those things with him in the first place ?
Re evaluate your friendship first
Don't discuss your personal life with these friends anymore!
If he saw you before then he would’ve expressed interest in you correct? or was he in a relationship at that time? Also, you need to figure out why he is in therapy and why he stopped drinking alcohol. He might have an alcohol problem.
Why? You're going to move in with these friends and if you go out with this guy you stand a good chance of compromising your new living situation in a new strange town before you've even gotten there. Slow down. Tell your friends you'll think about it and politely ask them not to push (if they are). Put this guy on the shelf and concentrate on moving, getting a job (I'm assuming you're unemployed?), and settling in to this new area.
Yeah, don't bring up the reasons your past relationship failed. If he asks just say "we wanted different things in life" (which we all know is code for I wanted a stable relationship and he wanted a stripper named Candy). If he's truly HVM he won't pry or ask for details. Tell your friends to please refrain from going into any further detail as you'd like "a fresh start, without any preconceptions".
Ask your friends what exactly they shared with him about you and your previous relationship.
I'm curious, was he interested in you before he knew about your past? If not, run. If so, proceed with caution.
Thank you for the thoughtful questions. Y’all are all giving me a lot of great things to write down to make sure I uncover before taking any major steps here.
As far as your first question. I’m not sure what his status was, but I was not hiding the fact that I was in a relationship. It was a group setting so I definitely casually mentioned having a boyfriend in conversation.
So if he did have any interest at least he was respectful enough not to make moves, especially with our mutually friends trying to egg us on lol
Why are your married friends so eager to pair you up with their guy friend?