Trigger warning, of course.
I was 20 years old. I had undiagnosed bpd and diagnosed asd. I impulsively go on tinder. I swipe a ton of dudes. This one man goes out with me being I'm a virgin.
I go out. This is my first ever date.
He peer pressures me to smoke weed. I feel dizzy. He persuades me into his shitty car. He forces me to go out with dinner with him. He pays for it. He insists that I owe him sex for dinner.
He forces me into a hotel all on the same night. I'm too afraid to say no. He gets on top of me. His disgusting tongue goes on me. I'm not even turned on but I force myself to 'enjoy it', but I'm dry. I thought he was cute initially, but I'm not attracted anymore because he's a foreign manlet.
He forces his dick in me even though I'm in pain. He doesn't seem to care. He keeps doing this.
He then orders hotel pizza and says "I'm religious, and can't have bacon."
He rapes me the morning after and forces me to cuddle with him.
He peer-pressures me to buy him a 40$ breakfast out of my own money. We 'hug'. I leave.
I get a text from him a week later: "How does your pussy feel?"
I ghost him.
He already stole my virginity, so it doesn't matter.
Five years later, I'm still bearing with the traumatic events. I still convulse and gag remembering his slimy, musty body.
Stupid of me, I know. I was dumb.
And anyone who I tell this to, they insist it was peer-pressure or it was my fault.
Even my parent who constantly brought up my rape to degrade me and making me relive the traumatic events since I still lived under their roof. (That's another story for later.)
Be honest, gals (and I get this off my chest because I don't want to traumatize my normal friends) was I raped? Did he use my obvious disability to force me to give him my virginity? You be the judge.
You are a victim. You can define this experience for yourself even if everyone else disagrees with how you define it. You said that your parent brought up your rape to degrade you - You’ve already acknowledged it was rape. The problem is that in the legal system and social system, it may not be considered as rape if you did not struggle with all your might to show that you do not give consent. It’s not legally considered rape if a guy takes advantage of your naivety, manipulates you, guilt-trips you, take advantage of social situations, peer pressure, lies to you, verbally abused you, throws a hissy fit… to have sex with you. All of these are not considered as rape the same way the tinder swindler is not convicted of fraud. Like in the case of amber heard, society does not consider Johnny Depp a rapist even if he did a “cavity search” on Amber Heard’s vagina. If you would like some revenge, you can make a Tik Tok post on this guy and shaming him - assuming you still have his details like phone number, photo and name. I encourage going for counselling too. I once had a chat with a policewoman about such situation and she said this - it’s not rape or sexual assault if you changed your mind. If you did not object to the sex and you give in because of whatever emotional pressure you felt, it’s not sexual assault. When you matured from the incident and you realized you should have objected to it, it’s called changing your mind and a person should not be convicted of rape just because you grew up and changed your mind. Women should be educated or the manipulative tricks scrotes use to cause trauma to women because the legal system does not protect us from such immoralities.
I’m so sorry this disgusting excuse of a person hurt you. You do not need permission from me or anyone else to define this experience for you. You cannot give informed, enthusiastic consent while under the influence of a mind-altering drug. I would highly recommend trauma counseling and setting boundaries with your parents. If they bring it up, leave the room, and the call, do whatever you need to do until they realize bringing it up will go absolutely no where.
I didn’t finish reading because of how graphic this got, but this was definitely rape. He bought dinner just so he could use that against you. He planned out and committed a crime against you. He used guilt because he didn’t care if you wanted to. He is a rapist.
This is not peer-pressure because it was only you and him, there is no group involved. You was raped. He raped you. He forced you to smoke weed and after that everything went downhill eventually it ended up in rape. I wish you had run away the moment you didn’t agree to smoke. You was not dumb or stupid, you was vulnerable and naïve and probably didn’t know what predators are and how they work, nobody taught you that. He will use any vulnerability a woman has to sexually abuse her, so yes even your disability to. You are not alone allot of girls are not informed of the dangers of how men abuse them. Your parents are bullying you and are victim blaming you, they obviously don’t care about your safety and well-being, their values do not benefit you. You need parents who protect you. I recommend you talking about it to a woman therapist so she can help you process your trauma.
Yes, you were, but do not let it define you as a victim. You will go through a phase of thinking about it all the time, and then hopefully you'll make peace with it because you've "leveled up" in life and are in a place to laugh at that pathetic man. That's at least my experience. I was horrified by the violation until one day I just pitied the fool.
I'm so sorry that you have experienced this. You were intoxicated and afraid to say no; that is not consensual sex. Men can become violent when told no in these circumstances too. Unfortunately many people see rape as only happening when the victim fights back the whole time, even if that is not always how it happens. Don't blame yourself for this as he is the one who abused you. I really hope that you can find healing from this trauma, through therapy or something else