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So, I've started to notice that I always attract those who are vulnerable, LV or who use me when it comes to friendships. Since I've started levelling up I've noticed this more so and tbh I'm done! The friendships I have are women that are still going through their healing journey and have no life prospects. I don't hate these women. But these friendships drain me and I've just started to put boundaries and strategies in place to end these. I'm finding it quite empowering. I read somewhere that if those in your circle don't inspire you then you don't have a circle, you have a cage. I feel this is true! Those in my circle are dealing with mental health issues they don't work on, going through unhealthy relationships, no career or life goals and just drain me with their constant moaning and negativity. In the past I would try and help them but now I refuse to do this any more.
Question is.....how do I start to form new healthy HV relationships? Any tips on making sure I don't end up with those who bring me down and who are on the same journey as me? Those I can feel inspired by would be amazing.
This has been a hard lesson to learn for me, too. Letting go of friendships you have grown out of or letting go of friends who changed over time to the point of us just not being compatible anymore hurts like hell because you can't help remembering the good times you had together and comparing them to the sad, disappointing status quo.
I think it helps to let go of the idea of an "all purpose" friend you can do and have everything with and friendships like they were when you were in school/university. Adult life just gets in the way of that. I'm friends with wonderful HV women but they all have their own lifes, interests and needs and I do, too. There are things you can do, have and talk about with one friend but that won't work as well (or at all) with another friend.
I have come to the point where I am unapologetically selfish and have strong boundaries when it comes to friendships. If I am not looking forward to meeting with or talking to someone every single time and if I don't feel good after our meetings or conversations (but sad, insecure, bored, angry, like I wasted my time...)... I cut them off. Seriously. I am not talking about helping a true friend through a tough time or comforting them when they go through something every now and then. I don't feel bad after that. But I guess you all know the kind of people that just leave you drained every time you see or talk to them because of their constant drama, neediness and whining while never being willing to change anything about their lifes. The people who just seem to take and take your time, energy and empathy but who never give you any strength, comfort or at least fun in return. The kind who bulldozes over your boundaries and whole life but who calls you selfish for expressing the smallest need yourself.
Erythrura's comment is awesome. I wholeheartedly agree with her.
Finding a friend you can share everything with is like finding a soulmate, very hard. I have a childhood bestie I can talk about a lot of things with. Even so, there are things that we don't talk about because we've agreed to disagree or there's a lack of mutual interest, like religion and horror movies lol. There's no one size fits all.
I tend to compartmentalize my friendships into boxes that focus on an activity or interest. People might not be HV overall, but they could be HV in specific things.
My gaming friends enrich my gaming experience, hobby friends inspire me to get better at it, movie/book friends give me amazing recommendations, workout friends help motivate me to reach fitness goals, etc. I could become a HV friend to them in those specific areas too.
So, my tip is start with mutual interest. Who knows it could grow into more than "special interest" friendship. If it doesn't, at least you've got someone to share a specific piece of your life with.
And you're right to not continue friendship that drains you. Keep the boundaries strong. I think you're on the right track.
I'd start by looking around you for women who share your same hobbies, interests, goals, motivations, and dreams. When you join a club or go to a career fair or are just going about your day-to-day life look for women who share your loves and spark up a conversation. I've made many friends at the dog park, grocery store, hobby group, and work by just walking over and starting the convo, swapping info, and texting semi regularly. Friendships take time to develop.
In order to avoid negative friends I'd stay away from trying to befriend people who agree with things you dislike, hate, and are unispired by. When you form friendships on the basis of what you DON'T like, it's much less positive and tends to just be a downer friendship. It's better to find friends you share a lot of positive things in common with who also agree on dislikes. For example, say you love tennis and hate pickleball, instead of finding a friend who hates pickleball and you two only have that in common, find a friend while you play tennis who can agree tennis is the superior sport to pickleball.
Having a wide variety of friends you do one or two things with is also ideal. No one can be your everything and it's always good to branch out your network. I personally text all my friends at least once a month and try to see them as often as I can.
This definitely happened to me when I realized many of my friends in college were LV who were in secret competition. When I showed them my work for an online store I made I got zero support and they even said borderline cruel things like "the clothes are not really my thing". This lack of support confused me and even hurt my productivity output.
It took me time to understand when I showed others something that reminds them they have nothing going on for themselves it infuriates and triggers something inside them.
I used to be a fashion blogger too which made me no money and even then I think even something that was based on pure passion triggered them.