Thoughts on initiating sex in a relationship.

This exact same thing happened to me with an ex. He said almost the exact same words your bf did. He handed me ALL responsibility for initiating sex in our relationship. He tried to make it seem like he was doing me a favour by taking 'pressure' off of me, but it heaped pressure on. How? ALLLLL the affection and intimacy in your relationship is on your shoulders. He's now put himself in the position to be pursued, and it's only a matter of time before you grow resentful and get turned off. This is lazy and manipulative on his part.

Is he getting sex else where or watching porn? Just curious as a man not wanting sex for three months seems very odd to me. Something is wrong and it’s not you at all. It’s with him.

Hmmm. I have never seen a decent man give up so easily on something like this. Ask yourself a few questions: He gave up! So all the burden is on you despite having simular backgrounds right? If he is this passive and his confidence gets shaken for no reason this easily, what would life with him look like?? If he said he is waiting for you, where was he when you touched his leg in the bath? Where did he get the idea that it's "one-sided" other than from entitlement? If I had to guess he has a low sex drive and he is blaming YOU. If I touched my man anywhere in the tub homeboy would be relentless lol. Men project all their problems onto us.

For me foreplay starts outside the bedroom.. It's more fun to initiate things like making out in the morning, lots of sensual touches throughout the day, and then flirtatiously complimenting each other. And do all this without letting it escalate to sex until you're ready to jump his bones.

So I would be very unhappy with a man who is not initiating all the little sensual and romantic things throughout the day as a build up to sex. I think he should be putting in proper effort to be getting you into the mood.

I had an ex who put all the burden of romance on me and claimed he couldn't tell when I wanted sex or that I rejected him too much so he gave up. Then when I did try to initiate it in every way possible he would often say no thank you!! Came home early from work and caught him watching porn. He confessed he usually jerked off right before I came home from work so he wouldn't be in the mood when I was (I would send flirty texts while I was at work too indicate I was in the mood). And he said that sex was just too much trouble compared to masturbating.

This was after many, many months of him not initiating any sort of romantic foreplay, or even sex at all. And the whole time he made me feel like something was wrong with me and that I had to be the one to fix it by initiating more and trying harder.

Turns out I have a very high libido with partners that make me happy and secure. And I also reciprocate a lot with guys who are keen on womens body language and know that the sensual build up is very important for women. I'm not frigid, I was just with a manchild that turned me off.

I don't know, it seems weird to me that he'll uphold the "wounded ego" act for so long. You assured him that you are attracted to him, you had sex when he initiated, so why is he still insecure? The obvious solution for him would be to learn to read your signals. But he isn't letting himself notice when you're in the mood / attracted to him simply because you don't spell it out for him. I'm sure you're showing nonverbal signs though? On the other hand, if you do have a really hard time showing your desire in any capacity, you probably need to ask yourself why that is. I myself don't do much more than dropping hints but compliments are part of those hints. I could understand if my partner had a harder time reading me and feeling desired if I never said anything nice about his appearance.

I would prefer to be in a relationship with a man who initiated the majority of the time.

I was in a three year relationship where I initiated 99% of the time (and had to do everything else too!)

I think initiating sex more than occasionally brings me out of my feminine, receiving energy. I would expect my man to read my body / track my menstrual cycle and initiate accordingly.

If you don't like initiating, you don't need to be in a relationship with a guy who is passive. These type of men may get lazier and lazier. If they can't even initiate sex (something that always benefits them) they won't initiate cleaning the house, picking up the kids, etc.

Maybe you could sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend on what exactly "you initiating" looks like to him. Does he want you to throw yourself at him? What type of signals do you naturally give off that he could read? If cOmUnICaTe doesn't work, leave him.

I have been both in the position of always initiating and not being allowed to initiate. To be honest they both suck and both have to do with male control and insecurity. I want to be able to express myself freely and that means I want to be able to initiate and I want the man to be able to initiate. A lack of either would be a problem. I don't think it really matters what the "role" of the man should be. What matters is that two people are compatible in how they experience desire.

As for you two, it seems like you both don't like initiating. This is a tricky one, but you should be able to navigate that together, discussing it openly, helping each other out and find your groove. It does come across a bit passive aggressive that he's just putting this all on you. But you too strike me as wanting to avoid conflict. We don't usually tell women to "communicate" here, but maybe this is an instance where you should, at least to find out if he's genuinely struggling just as you are, or if he's punishing you for his wounded ego.

I think a good makeout session is a pretty obvious sign or initiation. Try it, and if it doesn't excite him at least a little you may be dealing with ED.

For me it worked in the past to be the one initiating because I’ve always been the one with the lower sex drive. I always assumed the guy was horny 24/7 and I definitely hate being groped at when I’m not in the mood. But I also think signs are very obvious if I’m not in the mood and those men just didn’t care to read my body language.

im more into other types of intimacy like cuddling, laughing together at a funny movie, etc and hate when I am having a perfectly nice time with a guy and he ruins it by wanting sex.

i think i would change my approach the next time, not sure how yet exactly but I love some of the comments here. It definitely helps me think.

I do think a lot of the times that worked well, it was just obvious that both of us were into it.

like if I touched them and got a less than enthusiastic response then I would not bother pushing further.

i don’t feel I have been afforded the same a lot of the time and so this makes it that I really don’t want the man initiating. maybe that will change now that I won’t date a man who would do that to me anymore

There's nothing wrong with initiating once you've established a good relationship with a man. I like your bf's take on letting you take the initiative if he's feeling unsure about if you're into it or not.

An easy way to work around the shyness of this is to tell him (at a non sexy time) that you're struggling to initiate but when you hold his hand and pat it 3 times (or something like that, it can be drumming your fingers on his chest) it means you're down and asking if he wants to