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My boomer parents never went to a day of therapy. They were married for 35 years. That doesn’t mean shit though, they still had problems I would never want to put up with in my relationships.
What are FDS thoughts on couples therapy with a presumed HVM?
Is couples therapy a requirement to ensure you’re fully prepared and committed before marriage?
Can it be a playbook to a long con scrote?
Should couples only go into counseling once there is “a reason for it”?
As someone who has counseled, and been counseled, it really depends. For otherwise healthy people, therapy can be very beneficial to the overall health of the couple, if they are both already open to change because they both want to change. THIS IS RARE.
Typically, the woman gives an ultimatum because she believes therapy will finally get him to listen, and agree that he’s got some changes that need to be made AND is going to make them. This is nothing but a mind fuck because the woman will be tempted to hyper-focus on any change as progress, when it’s not. He’s doing the bare minimum to keep her quiet.
Then there’s the victim-abuser dynamic and just no. These master-manipulators will have the woman feeling like “it’s all her fault” that he’s abusive. A seasoned therapist can smell these scrotes bullshit a mile away, but a newbie can easily be dupped - and it’s not their fault. Abusers are clever - they’ll even act humble, apologize, and say whatever they need to say to control the source of narcissistic supply. I’m talking crazy-making for all involved.
I’ve also known couples to go to therapy before any problems arise because that’s the type of people they are. Everyone needs a little help with effectively communicating. We all have language barriers with loved ones, and there’s no harm in getting ahead of miscommunication. However, you don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you can’t communicate without a therapist. This type of therapy should be geared more towards teaching the couple to work through their language barriers on their own, reserving sessions for crises or important unexpected shifts in the relationship.
So, yes and no. What I can say with almost absolution is that couples should be seeing their own individual therapist in conjunction with couples counseling, otherwise the changes being made aren’t going to last if they’re changes you’re making for the relationship and not for yourself.
Any other therapist, counselors, social workers, etc. out there? Keep me honest…lol. I could very well be off the mark, though this has been my experience.
Couples therapy is usually another way for internalized misogyny and patriarchal manipulation to force women into staying even longer in relationships that aren’t beneficial and potentially even abusive by pushing the idea of CoMmUnIcAtIon. If you’re already at the point where the two of you think you need couples therapy, I’m sure enough red flags have come up and it’s already (or way past) the time to leave.
The whole idea of couples therapy is inherently problematic because the main “Goal” of a couples therapist is to keep the couple together. You’re going into therapy presuming a relationship that‘s essentially at the beginning of a breakdown SHOULD be fixed by focusing on the relationship. And the easiest way for a couples therapist to keep a failing relationship going is by gaslighting the woman into putting more work into it. After all, society has already primed women into taking on that burden. Also, the idea that there should be therapy for something as extraneous as a relationship just continues to further this Idealized notion that we’re problematic unless we‘re all partnered up.
Individuals need to work on themselves. And this is where therapy can be great (although beware that with narcissists it gives more ammunition and ways for them to manipulate). Therapy is a way for INDIVIDUALS to reflect, discuss, have an external objective person to hold themselves accountable to grow. You can learn healthy communication and dispute resolution skills as well in therapy. When you’re ready as a mature individual who knows your boundaries, wants, and life dreams - then entering into a relationship is an add-on. If you really spend the time on yourself and find a HVM who has done the same, then arguments and issues should not be escalating to the point where couples therapy is needed (this has no bearing on individual therapy).
It depends on both the therapist and the Issue in the relationship. Vetting of therapists is extremely important. A couples therapist actually helped me leave an abusive scrote and took my side about 8 years ago. A well known couples therapist in my country has written several books. I was surprised by the fact that a lot of people use couples therapy to break up in a sivil way. Even if you are both HV you can still be not a good match personality wise. Breaking up with someone you love can be though. I love therapy so I can see myself doing it in the future. To learn to communicate better and to better meet each other's needs.
If there is a "reason" to go to couples therapy, it had better be a good one. E.g. One person loses their legs in an accident and both parties need therapy to adjust to this new situation.
If you have "communication problems" then therapy is not the answer...if he wanted to he would.
People who tend to go therapy to heal from the person who refuses to go to therapy and that’s mostly men who lack emotional intelligence/maturity and are just scrotes 😊 .. I think a HVM will acknowledge the need for therapy himself and possibly recommending it but if you are in a healthy relationship, going to therapy might not be needed honestly because if you can’t communicate then you can’t. Lol