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I know that "there's always more fish in the sea" and things like that are common sayings, and for many women who come to mind that is probably true for them. I am a very introverted person, and took until I was 22 to find my BF, who is not even from my country. I struggle to make new relationships of any kind, they often turn out bad and toxic.
My BF ends up being the main person I talk to. It seems impossible to find another man who I could actually be in a relationship with. All the men in my country seem low value or simply not interesting - all anyone does here is drink and party which I don't find interesting. So if there are more men, that doesnt mean that 1) theyre not low value 2) theyre interesting and compatable with me or 3) its the right time.
I feel like if I were to leave my bf, I wouldnt find anyone else. Because I have not met anyone else with like him - who is interesting, could talk to hours on end to, similar hobbies and interests, sexual comptaibility, similar political and feminist values, and care about so much about. Long story short hes changing and not meeting my needs. But id rather have a life with him than be alone forever with nobody to talk to on the same level as I can with him. Friendships feel extremely shallow in comparison to him. I genuinely do not believe there is any man here I could be in a relationship with. They are all horrible and simply finding a compatible BF was really hard.
I probably sound like the biggest pick me to you ever who doesnt know how to be alone, but honestly my BF feels like one of a kind on both a relationship and plantonic level. If he disrespects me and starts being a bad bf I dont know how to leave. It is like leaving my one and only best friend and bf. I dont want to feel trapped, I want to feel like I could have a future with someone still and have fulfilling relationships if I have to leave.
If you have found lots of HVM men or BFs, where did you actually find them?? I've been to university, college, work, online communities, social events and social media, where the hell are these guys that there is apparently a big pool of? how have i only met one man, which was online??? Same goes to friendships honestly, because for that its a similar situation. Its a really lonely feeling, like being alienated from 99.99999999999999999% of people. I tried dating before this relationship, they were all fuckboys or I had no feelings for them. I can't pretend im fine with being alone with no bf or friends, I've tried that and it caused me severe depression.
"If he disrespects me and starts being a bad bf I dont know how to leave. It is like leaving my one and only best friend and bf. "
I totally understand how you feel. This is precisely the reason why you have to build yourself up, and build your life up. Because this is how people get trapped in abusive relationships (isolation, dependence, and of course trauma bond). I'm not saying you are in one, I'm just saying that you need you own life and dependence outside of the relationship to be happy, healthy and safe. You need to be able to leave a relationship that no longer serves you, regardless of why. You are an individual, don't drown into "we". Even though you are in a relationship, work very hard to meet new people. Build up your self-confidence. Build up your boundaries. Spend time outside doing things you like without your bf. Because being this dependant on your bf is not safe or healthy (trust me on this, I've been exactly where you are now, and it does not lead anywhere good). I know finding friends is hard, but you can do it. Remember that you are important, your wellbeing is important.
22 is very young and its a common age for a first boyfriend. I was 22 when I met my first boyfriend too. Sometimes it can be hard to meet new people that's why OLD is so popular. New relationships generally happen by chance, so don't stress yourself looking but do go out just to experience the world and pursue new goals. Get out of your comfort zone for your own sake. Over time you will learn how to be happily single. It's not meant to be easy, personal growth is never easy. Figure out who you want to be, make a vision board of things you dream of having or doing. Or just imagine. When you have figured out what kind of woman you want to be then you can figure out what place a man has in it. A man is never the destination of your life. Repeat this to yourself: anything a man can give me I can give myself. If you do need to talk, there are many ladies here who don't mind hanging out with you. In the meantime focus on the type of life you want. You are the Queen of your life. 👑
I promise you when you find a female friend that you are very compatible with that there is NOTHING else like it. I could not talk to my best friend for ten years then pick up the phone and call her, and I guarantee we would be in giggle fits within 2 minutes.
I call it finding the person "that speaks your language", and these kind of people will just get you and share your sense of humor. These kind of friends are more loyal than any boyfriend (or guy friends) and these are the friends that will add value to your life and make it so much easier. They will plan things for you, love you, and take care of you and your family when times are hard. My mom and her best friend have this sort of relationship as well, they have been best friends since their high school days into their 50's. I found my person that speaks my language at work. There are multitudes of these people, they're not one of kind soulmates but they feel like a soulmate.
So you're asking the wrong question, it's not "are there reaaally good men out there or do I need to settle??" You need to be asking yourself, what am I doing to begin and build up my friendships with the women in my life? How do I meet women with similar interests as me? How do I vet these friends to ensure I'm building up a healthy mutual relationship?
I have not come across any HVM. I'm 22. I'm done trying to find one such man. I would never settle for a man because he is comparatively better than other men.
Do you live together with your bf? Maybe I’m old fashion but I think it’s too early at your age to be living with him. You need your own space, your own life to do whatever you want and just date him. You are so young to be trapped into a relationship right now. Go out, explore, meet new people. Learn about new personalities. The world is your oyster and change your mindset. Your thoughts, your feelings and behaviors are all connected and integrated. Sometimes we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering.
Long story short hes changing and not meeting my needs.That's it, that's the whole point of your post.
He's not what you want anymore. Regardless of how hard it is you have to push yourself out there to meet new people. You desperately need female friends and hobbies involving group activities with men.
Sometimes people just catch your eye and you start talking about the hobby, it's not cheating (if you meet a better man), and it will break your codependence.
The sucky part is that you have to try maaaany hobbies and go through many people and even if you meet a cool guy he might move on because he knows you're currently in a relationship (unless you lie). Your current boyfriend might get suspicious about why you focus on meeting new people. So I would look for girlfriends first and once you end your codependency because you have friends you'll feel support to leave a stale relationship.
There's always more men, but are they men worth knowing or interacting with?
It always feels like that, when you're with someone, but when you break up with them, you realize they weren't that special at all. And suddenly there are so many more interesting men.
I'm in a similar situation. There's plenty of fish in the sea but they're all poisonous and ugly.
For tips on social skills and meeting people I always suggest Vanessa Van Edwards youtube videos. Really good stuff.
Never grow attached to a man. Otherwise you cling onto them even if they treat you like garbage. See men as temporary and expect his departure anytime soon no matter what he says. I always make one deal breaker very clear. When disrespect is served I’m leaving.
Just so you know, I have been in your position so I feel this intimately. I've left LTR after forcing myself to stay in it out of fear because it was stale and we were both burned out. I regretted it, because I haven't been able to find a guy I can have a connection with ever since. I have dated but it was terrible and I would rather have my old LTR back if I could, even if it wasn't working (sorry its not FDS-sy of me). My ex was so much better than anyone who came after him, the pool is LVM.
Those men lowered my self-esteem so much. I would rather just be alone than dating again, but I hope FDS is right and there is HVM that will pursue me at some point.
I could have written this word for word, right there with you except my bf is LV and a total asshole!!
One of the things that stuck out to me is that you have a hard time making friends and friendships feel shallow compared to your relationship. I’d start there and start researching and putting yourself out there to meet high value friends. Having a wonderful support group of great women can completely change your life.
Finding HVM isn't hard. Where do wealthy men hang out? They may be in the bars of very high end hotels. They like to golf (barf), & a lot of them may even gamble (although avoid anyone with a gambling problem- look for the person who is well dressed but seems to be having a mediocre time at best). Shera Seven has some good advice on this. I don't agree with her on tons of things but she does have some good advice in this area.