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Hi everyone.
I decided to start dating a little over 6 months ago after ~15 years single, I’m mid 30’s. I was terrified of getting into any type of relationship before having professional stability, and now I have next to no experience with men.
I’ve only met 2 men I would have been interested in assessing for a relationship in this time period, but I’ve been able to identify that I have difficulty letting them get close to me. And it seems that (seemingly) adequate men lose interest (take you from dream girl category they initially put you in, to placeholder category) when you don’t let them connect emotionally with you.
I’d like to go to therapy for this issue (pretty sure I have disorganised attachment style), but am worried they’ll insist on me cOmMuNiCaTiNg and such, when dating or in relationship.
Has anyone had experience opening up to a therapist while trying to follow FDS? How did it go for you? Were they able to understand why as a woman you would or would’t take certain actions?
I think it's safe for you not to emotionally connect or open up to men who haven't shown adequate emotional investment in you FIRST. You let him put his emotions on the line and invest emotionally in you, then you can decide if you want to open up to him or not. It's much more risky for women to be emotionally vulnerable with men than vice versa and men know this. It's their responsibility to make you feel safe enough to open up to them after they've established a foundation of trust, respect for you and safety. If they haven't worked hard to establish that foundation with you then they're not safe to open up to emotionally.
Yes, I started seeing a therapist about a year into my FDS journey.
I'm in the US, I started looking during the pandemic, called about 40 therapists that were listed on my insurance, only 2 called back, 1 wasn't taking patients, and the other one we had a phone consultation to see if we were a good fit, and she was just...kind of odd, and it wasn't a good fit.
So, I decided fuck insurance, I need the help, and started just looking for therapists in my area who had bios/descriptions/about-me sections that resonated, and paid full price. (Although, I did have money set aside in an FSA (flex-spending) account, from work, and I was able to get reimbursed for most of the sessions with what I had set aside.)
Found one, phone consultation was great, started sessions. She was brilliant and wonderful and never gave me any non-FDS commentary. I also never mentioned FDS out-right.
I remember bawling to her one time in a new relationship, because I was so hoplessly-in-love-completely-romantic, and my logical side was like "You need to be careful because your pick-me-ness is coming out", and I was really struggling to balance the two. She was perfect. In hindsight, I feel like our conversations were never really about the guy, never about communicating more or how to handle things with him. It was more about my own internal processes and how I could feel good and comfortable with my own decisions, whatever they were.
I would also occasionally make commentary like "Men are such lazy shit I swear, I don't even think they are worth the effort" and she would give me a very satisfying and affirming "mmm-HMM." Even though she was in a very happy relationship from what I gathered, she also just gets it, you know. She was very down-to-earth.
i find it very difficult to find a good therapist who is feminist and FDS aligned. i've tried some who aren't and it was a waste of time. i think you'll have to really dig to maybe find someone who is a good fit. good luck!
in the meanwhile, you can always resort to self-reflecting. it's not as good as therapy, but it is a good way to observe and understand yourself. i've been able to reach great insights by doing just that.