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Question for you ladies: How do you deal with tempering a fiery, unbridled attraction to a man for reasons you can't quite pinpoint? Where does this "x-factor" attraction come from, and for those who have experienced it, and especially those who have experienced it very rarely, how do you deal with moving on from it after a relationship doesn't work out? How do you move on from the loss of something so rare? Background: I saw my ex at the gym today after almost 4 months of no contact. (Well, he's been trying to get my attention over email, but I ignore him) And it was just a glimpse, just a half-second glimpse of the side of his face, and it felt like someone had poured a love potion down my throat, just like it was when I first met him 7 years ago (we were distant acquaintances for years before our 2 year situationship). All those years ago, I instantly had a crush on him within 5 minutes of meeting him despite being engaged at the time. I literally felt drunk for a few minutes after just glancing at him. But I quickly hurried out of the gym... thanks to what FDS has taught me-- otherwise, I would have probably tried to talk to him.
But that sort of thing does not happen to me. I do not get crushes, and I do not experience instant attraction. As one gal on here said, I think most men are kind of unattractive and look like thumbs. It takes me awhile to fall for someone through emotional connection and getting to know them.
I guess I'm worried that it will never happen like it did with him again. It's just so strong. I wish I knew why and where it came from, so at least I could rationalize it and explain it away in my mind. But as it is, I know I'll just be ruminating on it all night and hold that half-second glimpse of him in my mind for weeks now.
It sucks and it hurts. He is, in reality, such a disgusting person. I just wish I could forget about him and move on. 😭😭😭
Research limerence if you haven't already. It's often like a lightning bolt that hits you out of nowhere when you see someone for the first time. It's intoxicating, and you become addicted to that person. Something about him has activated you on a chemical level even though you know he's terrible for you. Keep up no contact. Make a list of everything you dislike about him and how he treated you. Focus on yourself and living a purposeful life. Try to remember the reality instead of the fantasy of what you wanted/hoped for.
The magic is you, not him. You have a great amount of appreciation to give and you recognize and marvel at beauty. This is not his doing. It's all inside of you. Sure, there's no person who will ignite that spark around every corner. But you carry that magic with you wherever you go, and someday, it will find a better person to focus on, and it will bring you both joy. In the meantime, you can focus that energy elsewhere, e.g. by appreciating art. I felt exactly like you did with my first ex. He was achingly beautiful to me (but of course shitty), and every time I caught a glimpse of him, I would plunge right back into despair and longing. I couldn't really avoid him at the time, so I channeled my feelings through lots and lots of journaling and painting. The feelings were still there, but they were manageable and didn't take over my whole life, I still made new friends and did well in school. The beast had been put in a cage. Over time, the feelings just faded, like they inevitably do, and now I don't know why I ever thought he was so special. No one is that special. Even my now-partner, who was the first man I felt this kind of intense attraction to after 10 years. He is very similar to me, so if I exist and he exists, we're both not that unique, lol. (That being said, he is an amazing partner and I obviously think that's special enough to hold on to). There will be another for you, too. Don't beat yourself up for still feeling the way you do, be glad you possess the ability to feel that deeply, lots of people would envy you for that. ETA: it's no use wishing you were different. Almost everything that we perceive as a weakness is also a strength. Because I am a romantic at heart, I get so much more out of (the right kind of) music, movies, art than the average person. I know FDS sometimes makes it look like women need to learn to be tough and cold, but in reality it's more about protecting your innate softness and not allowing everyone and everything access to it. There's a difference there.
There’s a video of Halsey talking about how you should be with a person who makes you feel safe and comfortable, not one who makes you nervous and gives you butterflies.
I am very sorry that you have that going on. I know that it is hard to convey in words how much this situation hurts. I have met 3 men in my life in total, who i have truly felt that butterflies, waves-crashing attraction to. only one of them persued me first and I was rejected when I pursued the other two.
this proved to be the most toxic relationship of my whole life and ended with me sleeping with a weapon under my pillow scared of him once we lived together and he began breaking my stuff and physically restraining me and threatening violence toward me.
i wanted to share because I can relate. i do not think I have a perfect answer besides that the universe does things to teach lessons to you is what I believe. i truly do believe the phrase now that if something seems to be too good to be true then it isn’t. I still can’t explain why a person who gives you butterflies is bad for you or why they are so dang compelling even after showing themselves to be a scrote who lead you on.
i believe I got too excited about having an attraction finally be reciprical(seemingly).
i believe a manipulative man can pick up on that and they have some insidious ways to make you feel like you are their dream partner at first. The mask slips after a while. It is hard because I know I am about 99 percent asexual, and the very very low fraction of a percentage of men who I am attracted to have given me a scarcity mentality before.
i don’t think of this ex as a human anymore. I think of him as an evil entity sent to shake up my life and send it into a new direction. I am trying to learn to have some faith that this is the path my life was meant to go at this time and that it can only improve from here. It has been over a year and I still have some trouble getting over it and reconciling in my head how someone who seemed so genuine could have been so fake and inhuman.
it is hard to accept that you may not find it again but it is a truth. I dont want to be negative but it is true that you have to make peace with that. There are lots of things in life besides having a romantic partner and exploring those as well as having healthy platonic relationships is what is more important to focus on. Men are generally not fulfilling but for me the point of being here is to find fulfillment regardless. i hope that this helps and that fds helps you to find this.
I dated a lot of pretty boys in my twenties and I always felt exactly as you described, but the man I married and had kids with was handsome but not so much that I was stopped in my tracks like you have been, but it was the other qualities in him that made him a good partner and father... Enjoy the crush, it's perfectly healthy to have hot feelings for anyone even if fleeting, but remember that chemistry is not a real thing, it's just a flood of endorphins and hormones tricking you into pregnancy... there's a reason that blurb never hits the back of romance novels and blockbuster cinema films, "she was hit by a rush of hormones and made a bad choice, the end." Yeah, that doesn't sell. You need to work on reality, which is that you could go and journal a list about why he was your ex to start with, and why you have been blocking him via emails because those things, unlike good looks, do not fade...try and remember what the negative traits of his character were, I bet he had a lot: really good looking men are often like swans, beautiful but vicious, and although calm above the water, they are always furiously paddling underneath to keep up the illusion that they are worthy of that adoration when really they know they are not. Stay strong, you've got this.
I dont know where you are spiritually or if you'd even be open to this - but this sounds like past life stuff to me. I apologize in advance if you're not open to such things!
This might sound weird but try tracking your cycle (if you have one). When I am ovulating I get these dreamy feelings like you describe. I also like clockwork have a dream about my toxic ex EVERY month during this time. It’s a hormonal thing. I used to think it meant something but I know we’re not supposed to be together and that he’d be a terrible partner in real life. Yes you are very attracted to this person but trust me it can happen with someone else too and with the right person will be 1000x better.
Sounds like pheromones to me