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My boyfriend mentioned to me he has a friend that slept with someone and immediately asked her how she was gonna get home. The context was of that conversation was him telling me about all the despicable things men do to women. On some level he understands it's wrong.
The insidious part of that story happened many months later when I finally met the guy and asked my boyfriend if that's the infamous friend. I then proceeded to jokingly say something along the lines of, it's men like him that make me a misandrist, to which my boyfriend responded without missing a beat. "I don't really care (how he treats women) he's my friend"
There. It. Is.
They don't care, they never actually care about women's wellbeing unless something interferes with their livelihood, with their comfort.
That conversation led me to examine all my friendships with both men and women. The fact is, there's been many times where I say something nowhere near as disgusting or problematic as "how are you gonna get home" yet my friends, men and women are more than willing to drop me like it's hot.
Anecdotally for me, that bond men have between themselves doesn't exist for male and female friendships. At least for me personally it doesn't exist on the same level between women either. Because for many women, our default is not to back each other, we're socialised to back men. Just like how we're more likely to question women, we're more likely to give men the benefit of doubt in any situation.
I look forward to hearing everyone's opinion on this.
A man's only as good as his shittiest friend. You just learned something about your bf
I mean this respectfully:
Perhaps you need to examine your relationship with your boyfriend. If he's so quick to dismiss his friend's poor behavior towards a woman, then he may be just as quick to defend his potential poor behavior towards you.
Yep. Male friendships are socialised to be ride or die, borderline homosocial, with men turning a blind eye to problematic, even abusive behaviour. It's sad that women are socialised to check each other and each other's behaviour/actions but men are not. Just another thing that keeps the patriarchy going and makes things easier for men I guess.
With men viewed as the default and women as 'other', disrespect becomes commonplace because women aren't viewed as people. Constant media objectification and pornification helps to push this too. Men can treat women however they want because she's 'just a woman' and women can drop their friends for a new boyfriend or because of a small disagreement because she's 'just a woman'. The implication is that women are replaceable - just look at the old rich scrotes who consistently trade in their wives for a younger model.
A HVM would recognise this injustice and call out or drop his friends for bad behaviour towards women. I think you know what you have to do here.
Damn this hurts.
And did you dump him yet?
I don't know your boyfriend's politics but I'm just using these things as an example, although I would be very interested in knowing his attitudes to see how consistent he is. In my experience, progressive and/or leftist men would not be Ok with being friends with a Nazi/kkk/white supremacist. He would however be perfectly comfortable saying the same thing your boyfriend did about being friends with a man who treats women that way. I am not at all surprised. If you will, ask him if he'd openly be friends with someone considered to be transphobic.
As for me personally, I'm a woman's woman. I am here for you ladies. I've been abused by women but it's just like any other human relationship, where I have to take ownership and maintain my own boundaries. Women however have not wrecked the same havock in my life since they don't have patriarchy working for them. I refuse to compete with other women. 🦾
You might want to reconsider your relationship
so when's he gonna be your ex?
You know "bros before hoes"? They mean it. They really would put another man above women, which is mind-blowing when you think about how so few of them actually have good, close relationships with their "friends". They're always whining about being lonely, after all. But they won't do anything about it because patriarchal behavior serves them. Why would he correct his shitty friend? He obviously benefits from upholding it all. And if he's fine with his friend doing it, he may just do it to you.
Always assess the company a man keeps - that's what he values and it's true to his nature. You discovered something about your boyfriend - and I'd argue that's just the start.
💯 Guy Code is real. A man won’t do anything effortful for his woman friend (unless he thinks he can get sex). But he’ll do anything for his man buddy…. Make it make sense.
Sadly, the way man treats women is considered separately from the rest of his character. A man can still be considered a “good man”, despite treating women like shit. It’s been that way throughout history, and it doesn't seem like it’s going to change any time soon.
I feel so lucky to have grown up with a coterie of single mothers/aunties and have a lot of really good female friends whom I trust implicitly and who support and love me. We don’t put men first.
Have joked with my husband that I mostly only like women as friends, I only married one man haha and don’t have much to do with the rest of them.
Re scrotey men, we currently have a guy who is a childhood friend of my husband. He’s here because he split from his partner and has no money. I honestly don’t want to know about his situation because I have to put up with him every day. My advice to go to relationship counselling was spurned and I’m not giving any other. On the other hand he is working hard as my husbands offsider, and he needs more staff.
Edit: husband doesn't want to hear this guys story either- I've pointed out that whatever he tells us is going to be from his perspective and not to be relied on.