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hi ladies,
I'm feeling terribly hurt and upset and really need support on this.
I had been friends with a girl for a couple years now. we recently had a HUGE falling out where I ended up blocking her. but im still feeling very hurt by her behavior and dont know if I was in the wrong to end the relationship.
We weren't super close friends for the first 2 years of knowing each other, but around the time she broke up with her NVM ex, we became very close friends, at a best friend/cousin level. I would text with her mom, etc.
however, over the past couple months, I had been struggling a lot with my career as well as with romantic relationships. when I would reach out to her for support, I felt her pulling away, not answering my texts for 24 hours, etc. I get that she can set limits on how much support she gives of course, but it was not what I would expect from a best friend of a couple years.
she also got into a relationship with a new guy after dating for a couple weeks, and would rave that this is SUCH an amazing relationship, they may move in together in a few months (wtf), etc, etc. she also implied that their relationship was better than my relationship. she would hang out with him and stay with him literally every night, and got even more distant during this time. but I figured, "Ok, she's going through the honeymoon period/being lovebombed by him" and tried to be understanding that sometimes people go MIA when they get into a new relationship. she was my best friend so I wasn't just going to drop her over this.
we had a huge falling out back in june. I don't want to give away too much info about myself so i'm changing some details here and there. but basically, we are part of the same grad student lab and the lab sent us to another country for a conference. she asked me to room with her and I agreed. she also asked me to come visit her home country with her afterwards (she isn't from the US) as it's close to the conference location.
long story short, she ended up getting covid during the trip. however, she didn't even tell me about it. essentially, she had woken up before me, feeling sick with a cough and suspecting she had covid. she then went to the conference center anyway, potentially exposing everyone there, while telling our coworkers she suspects she has covid. I then found out about this through them.
once I found out about it, I asked her while our coworkers were around (i still don't know why she hadn't left the conference center at this point) if it would be ok if we separated rooms, as even though I'd already been exposed obviously, it would be best for me to at least try not to get it too. I also told her I hadn't been sleeping well in our room because I don't sleep well in general and because of her snoring. admittedly, I get that it was embarrassing for me to say this about her, but at this point I was honestly mad that she was exposing us all to covid. basically, she flipped out at me, started yelling at me IN FRONT OF our coworkers, saying that I have no concern for her being sick. she then stormed off. it was super embarrassing.
when I came back to the hotel room later that day, she had taken her stuff and left. I wasn't too upset about this since that was the outcome I had wanted anyway, and figured I would just give her space.
I didn't hear from her for the next few days. we were still meant to go to her home country together and we were meant to stay at her friend's place there. I had no idea if she actually had covid or it was just a cold, if she was even able to travel, etc. so, I messaged her the day before our trip asking how she was feeling.
she replied that although she tested negative, she thinks she has covid. she also told me that she "will not be joining me" on our trip to her home country anymore, and that she will go straight to her hometown without me, and to "have fun". this is where I was like WHAT?
not only was she taking away the place I was meant to stay at the night before, leaving me on my own to book a hotel on short notice, this country is not really a safe place for solo female travelers. I would probably never agree to go to this country alone as a woman; I thought I was going with a close friend who is a local. two very very different situations.
additionally, she wasn't saying she can't travel at all because of covid, she was saying she's still gonna travel to her hometown, just not to the capitol with me. so it was clearly retaliatory against me and not because she actually cares about spreading covid.
she then went on to say that some things I had said in the past few days had hurt her feelings, particularly mentioning her snoring in front of other people, as well as privately telling her I had some doubts about her new relationship (I think she was most upset about this one). this is why I think her pulling out of the trip at the last minute was retaliatory - because she was upset with the things I had said.
however, I didn't think this justified putting my safety and housing at risk and ditching me to travel by myself in a foreign country known to be unsafe for women, where most people don't speak great english. it's due to this reason that I just didn't even reply to her, and blocked her.
if you've read this far, you are a saint. I guess im just feeling really hurt about this, wondering if she is a low value friend, or maybe I overreacted. I just dont know. thanks.
Edit: to be clear, I blocked her after this and avoided her ever since. She has reached out attempting to get money back from the hotel reimbursement but that’s been the extent. No apology etc.
You did the only right thing to drop and block. This “friend” is worst than just some garden variety pick-me. She left you deliberately alone in a vulnerable situation (in the knowledge of this) for the sake of a scrote.
I don’t for one second believe the snoring or Covid comments weren’t just excuses for what she was really upset about (her nasty new scrote) She left you in deliberate potential danger.
Fucking treacherous handmaiden. I wouldn’t reimburse her shit.
Hey, I hope you’re doing ok, because friendship break ups are hard. I don’t think you overreacted. I think it was petty and pretty hasty of your friend to pull out of the trip. It looks like your ex-friend is just not leveled up enough. If she’s really that insecure about snoring that she’d cancel your whole trip together so fast, you’re probably better off. You’ll have to grieve the end of this friendship like the end of any relationship. Take this as a learning experience on how to vet for friends. There probably were some red flags about her that you may have missed. Being so retaliatory is not very mature, so now you’ll be more on the lookout for that. Don’t just think negatively about it, though, you had many good times with this friend, I’m sure, and instead of thinking about how sad you are that the friendship is over perhaps you can think about how happy you are for the great times you shared. After you process all that grief just make a point to come back to a positive outlook as a sense of closure on the subject. We weren’t meant to be friends but it’s nothing personal and we had good times when we did, and leave it at that. That’s just one way to go about it, but you know what’s best for you.
I don't think you overreacted at all, fwiw. Cutting her out was a message that you won't put up with someone unceremoniously dumping you in a (possibly dangerous) foreign country alone. She didn't even attempt to discuss her grievances with you before abandoning you, for goodness sake! That's not a good friend.
It's a sign of self respect when you won't allow someone the opportunity to treat you that way ever again.
Losing friends does suck, I have gone through it twice quite recently. But there are lots of people out there to potentially be friends with who won't treat you this way! I will tell you what my therapist told me lately: Now, you have a vacant space in your life, so you can be open to the universe presenting new opportunities for another person to fill it. :)
I am so sorry. I have a longer response later when I’m not thumb typing on my phone. Long and short: she very selfishly did not report, test, or quarantine; she left you in an unsafe situation physically; she forced you to spend money you didn’t budget; she retaliated against you when you asked her to be responsible. If she was mad at you before, none of this is the real reason; it’s just what she could get away with by acting out. Sounds like she’s deeply unhappy and lashing out. If you dump her you’d be justified; if you don’t and just go low-contact until she’s in a better place, that’s an option too. Good luck. This hurts on many levels.
Good lord she sounds like a nightmare - you're well rid of what has clearly been a pretty one-sided 'friendship'. As to the money: personally I'd be telling her to take a running jump, and would be keeping her share to cover my own additional out-of-pocket costs. After all, SHE chose to leave you in this shitty position, SHE can bloody well pay for it. The sheer cheek of her to even be demanding it back in the first place like nothing happened....I cannot. even.
She sounds immature, irresponsible and selfish. She needs some growing up to do. I think you should at the very least take a step back and focus on you or on more fulfilling and mature friendships. I'm sorry you're going through this but at the end of the day, I wonder if the friendship is worth all this mess.