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as I write this I'm two weeks on and fairly rational about a break up that happened at my instigation (see my other posts).
But I want to address something that I've seen many women complain about: the switcheroo. This is where everything seems to be going well until someone, usually the guy, starts acting up and pulling the flaky/fade out card.
In my case we had been on holiday two weeks prior to his change in behaviour. I acted quickly when he started to treat me less than respectfully and instigated the b-up. But aside from good common sense and FDS principles (staying busy and focussed, de-cantering men, multi-dating etc etc), how can we be wise to or spot these types who suddenly switch?
Are there any tells in your experience that a man/someone is going to do a switcheroo? How can we protect our hearts, ladies?
Disclaimer: of course people have the right to change their minds.
This is one of the biggest fears for me, especially because I've seen so many guys transform from the sweetest, most doting, caring boyfriend into an absolute 1950's misogynistic asshole once marriage and kids (especially kids!!) came along.
My biggest piece of advice is
Notice how he treats other women, particularly those who he gets no benefit out of being nice to. How does he treat his mom/sisters? How does he treat that annoying coworker who's always riding his ass to turn his stuff in on time? How does he treat that overworked waitress who can't get him what he wants right away? Because that's how he's going to treat YOU once the magic wears away.
Who does he choose to surround himself with? If he has misogynistic friends that he keeps defending for being "good guys deep down," that just means he doesn't actually see anything wrong with their viewpoints. You are the company you keep.
Edit: 3. Throwing out some fun AITAH scenarios from Reddit are also another good way to sus out any potential red flags.
I was out to dinner with a couple where they started reading AITAH stories and one had to do with a guy choosing to hang out with his friends over going to an important event for his girlfriend, even though his girlfriend told him how much it would mean for her if he came to her event. The guy in this couple sided with the guy in the story...
You need to study him with an impersonal mind. I know it isn't fun, sexy or romantic, but that's what you gotta if you really care to avoid this. Disclaimer: you don't HAVE TO avoid this. We can let ourselves live until things are not what we want anymore and change course. It's probably healthier.
But if you are tired of men pulling off this shit (I most certainly am), you can't just use the FDS checklist (he pays, excetera, by the way, and I say this for other commenters, there's literally no correlation between a man's willingness to throw money at you and his integrity).
You need to observe and judge what he does, thinks, feels, that is not about you or pursuing you. Is he consistent at things that aren't wanting to get laid?
I firmly believe that the biggest predictor of a man's switch is lying to himself (and possibly others, but that's beside the point). You need to evaluate a man's ability to assess himself, situations (and you) in a way that is grounded in reality. A man who tells you are PeRfEcT, WILL switch, because you're not perfect. A man who says everyone is out to get him? Not likely. Delusional. He will switch. A man who has a history of not committing, but says he wants to commit to YOU. That doesn't track.
People who lie to themselves a lot are the most dangerous.
You need to watch out for the STORYTELLERS. You know what I mean. They switch, because there's a gap between the stories they are in love with, and the reality that they keep dissociating from.
Literally this. I had this happen to me while dating someone who paid for absolutely everything, and would be offended if I ever even thought of paying.
My LVX spent tons of money on me but it wasn't HIS money and he ended up treating me like pure garbage!
In my experience, only time will tell.
In my pre-FDS 20s, I dated a man for two years. In the beginning, he told me many times that he loved me and wanted to marry me (I did not prompt him). He told me never to worry about money because he earned $150k/year and had a handle on everything.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
By the second year, he had done a total switcheroo. I don't think I could have seen it coming, even with the knowledge I have now. My conclusion is time is the most reliable way to tell. My advice is never to stop vetting, and be prepared (financiallly and emotionally) if he decides to switcheroo.
It might not be a fun way to live, but it's infinitely better than being caught off guard.
Being on the receiving end of the switcheroo was one of the most hurtful experiences of my life.
How much money he spends on you