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Without going into explicit detail on the situation, I recently came to decision to initiate a civil lawsuit against an abuser. I generally feel that it's a good idea-- I'm not interested in monetary compensation, but the benefit to me is having room to fully describe the abuse to the abuser's face.
But, I know that there could be a downside-- it could be re-traumatizing if I face a judge who is unsympathetic or even condemning of victims of abuse. That situation would further validate the abuser and he would leave it all feeling vindicated.
It's a decision I want to make, but I do have caution. Has anyone else ever taken an abuser to court? Do you have thoughts about the process or your outcome? I would love thoughts from anyone who may have insight.
And FYI, just for context, it's in Canadian court.
I avoided it. I had cops and also a clerk try to talk me out of it by saying things like, "You talked to him" (but my talking to him was telling him to leave me the f alone) and "He can put a restraining order on you, too."
After feeling defeated through much of the process, I decided not to face a judge and not to face him in court, either. I had a feeling he would have loved the extra face time with me, so I decided not to hand that to him. Abusers want you wrapped up in them... I decided to stop giving him that pleasure.
I've talked to retired sergeants (female retired sargeants) and also retired cops about these processes in depth... unfortunately, women are just not believed and many times cops or resources are worked so hard, that they just don't even care to find out the real truth. Courts are still very misogynistic and abusers are great liars... abuse is rarely, rarely given justice.
In the end, I decided to save myself more heartache and just work on moving on and healing myself. Looking back, I know that I made the right choice for myself and I've never regretted it. My "time" in my mind was worth more than a risky gamble of time spent on such a horrible person and being retraumatized so badly and probably in the end still not even seeing justice after all that.
OP it's absolutely up to you, but this was the path I chose and I've never once regretted my decision there. It's very very different for everyone, so take my story with a grain of salt. This is just what worked for me in the end.
Editing to add: OP if you haven't read it, yet... read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Abusers already know what they are doing to you... describing the abuse to them proves futile.... they already know and they do not care. It was purposeful and calculated; not an "accident." Most of them are sadists and enjoy knowing that they hurt you because that means that their plan worked.
It may be worth looking into the judges that sit on your court. If the judges have a good record when it comes to abuse, that's a good sign. There also seems to be an uptick in restraining orders / DVROs and so it seems women are going that route instead of going through entire trials
I can't lie to you, it's probably not going to be easy. But if you decided to go through with it, you might have saved so much lives. Abusers always repeat their patterns on new victims, if this gets on his record, it will be easier to put him behind bars where he belongs.
I stand by you 100% and highly en-courage you to do it. It's not about winning the fight, it's about winning the battle against this abusive patriarchal society on a macro level... even if that's a death by a thousand cuts. Exposing these creeps and monsters one by one until they have nowhere to hide and no benefit of the doubt to exploit is a very honorable thing to do. Think of all the women who bravely fought for what we take for granted as fair today, even as they were laughed out of every room.
Trauma is caused by things you cant control but this conscious choice to speak your truth (that validates the truth of many others) is a very courageous thing to do. Stand proudly in your truth no matter what they throw at you, we all know what's right and wrong and sooner or later even if it's not now this guy will experience the effects of his actions.
I've never sued anyone, but had friends share experiences and here's what seems to work best:
Hire a (probably white) man as your attorney and let him do ALL the talking in the courtroom. Do not communicate anything to anyone except to or through your lawyer, especially in the courtroom.
Show NO emotion except maybe a few silent tears here and there. Anything other than that is seen as women's hysteria. Pro tip--white girl tears are not just for whities! Use your feminine vulnerability to your advantage. Give the Disney princess eyes.
Document EVERYTHING related directly or indirectly to this case/any interactions between you and the abuser. Your recorded account/dated diary entries are always gonna have more weight in court than any verbal memory you may have to come up with on the spot. Use that cell phone to record photos, videos, voice memo with time/datestamps, etc.
DO NOT CONTINUE COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR ABUSER! Hopefully you're in a position where you can enact this. Block them on absolutely EVERYTHING--email, phone, social media, streaming accounts--with the exception of anything that could be used as evidence of their abuse, erase everything about them from your life like they never existed.
If you already know this stuff, then consider this all a positive reinforcement.
Good luck!
✊️Fuck the patriarchy