anything that talks about the future without proof that he is making them happen in the present moment. to me, that's the clearest indication of future-faking. also, it happens in tandem with breadcrumbing.
personally, i never talk about the future with a man and i don't plan on it until he proves himself HV for at least 6 months. on dates, i focus mainly on communicating what i want without compromising anything. that way, he will never be able to tell me what he thinks i want to hear and if he tries then block and delete.
Action - Are they taking the actions needed to get towards that future they are talking about? Or is he talking about the future more than actually taking any action? An example - if a guy says he wants to move to city A with you, is he applying to jobs there, interviewing there, researching the life there, looking at accommodations, asking for your input and desires in all of the previously mentioned.
Realistic - Is the future he is talking about actually realistic? An example - If he wants to move to City A with you, but all of his family and friends are in his current city, and if he has little savings, and little ambition, then it's prob not that realistic.
Specific - Is he being specific? Examples of non-specific statements: I want to live with you forever. I only want you forever. I'll do anything it takes to be with you. I only have eyes with you. There's no one else in the world I want to be with. I want to marry you and we'll have such a nice house where you can [fill in the blank].
IME, if it feels like he's just telling you what you want to hear, then he probably is.
12
Unknown member
Aug 23, 2022
You can only tell by vetting him over time, which requires caution and a ruthless, calculating appraisal of how he behaves long term. But there are some common clues that he's lovebombing you and using future faking as a tactic, or stringing you along and future faking to keep you hooked. Namely, you can match his statements to his actions. If he makes grand romantic proclamations and promises but your situationship never seems to go anywhere, he's lying to you.
For example, he talks about wanting to marry you. Is it early in the relationship, like just a few weeks or months in? Has he made any concrete plans towards marriage, like proposing with a tasteful but valuable ring? Do you know his friends and family and much more importantly, do they know you? How many holidays have you spent together? What did he get you for your birthday? Did he bring you soup when you were sick? Has he ever declined when you asked him for a favor? Someone who is serious about you will show you he loves you by his actions (and maybe be slow to finally tell you, because he doesn't want to scare you off).
Oh, he's not the marrying type? He had a bad experience with his "crazy" ex, and wants you to audition to be his wife by living together first to make sure you're the one? Sis, he wants a Mommy Bangmaid, not a future with you. If he wanted you forever, he'd put a ring on it to keep you from leaving him for a better man. Ditch this freeloading loser.
Are you officially a couple to everyone you both know, including his entire family and best friends, or does it seem like he always has an excuse for why you haven't met his people? If the latter, accept that you're a placeholder at best, or more likely a side chick or hookup that he'd never want anyone he cares about to think he was actually dating.
Is he asking to borrow money from you or combine finances in any way, maybe with flowery language about how he "wants to build a future together" or "this will finally give us the freedom to move forward"? Congrats, you've landed a bum. RUN RUN RUN if a man who isn't your husband and with whom you haven't carefully and thoughtfully laid out a strong financial plan starts wanting to combine your money. He intends to exploit you financially, as high value men are as reluctant to take on a woman who is financially irresponsible as high value women are to intermingle their lives with a deadbeat.
He talks about the trips you should take together one day, the house he will build you, what your kids will look like, how great your first name sounds with his last name, how much his parents will just love you (when he can finally arrange a meeting, since the meetings he's already pretended to arrange keep getting mysteriously postponed), but none of those things ever materialize and when you bring them up later, he gets defensive or even angry and tells you not to rush things. He says he can't wait for you to meet his friends but it never happens. He tells you he loves you long before it's possible for him to know you well enough to even like you. He wants all of the fire and passion and romance without any of the loyalty, time, or dedication those things require.
In short, he's all talk, no results. Watch him, never stop vetting him, and remember that people tell on themselves without speaking a word if you're patient enough to sit back and observe them. Men like this are easy to spot once you know the game.
The lazier dudes tell on themselves pretty quickly with their lack of follow through. If he talks about fun things he wants to do together without taking any actions to make those things happen, he’ll probably never follow through on anything else he tells you either
Thank you everyone for your comments particularly with descriptions of specific scenarios as examples. Doesn’t seem like I’m in any of these situations for now, but good to be prepared.
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anything that talks about the future without proof that he is making them happen in the present moment. to me, that's the clearest indication of future-faking. also, it happens in tandem with breadcrumbing.
personally, i never talk about the future with a man and i don't plan on it until he proves himself HV for at least 6 months. on dates, i focus mainly on communicating what i want without compromising anything. that way, he will never be able to tell me what he thinks i want to hear and if he tries then block and delete.
Some things that come to mind are:
Action - Are they taking the actions needed to get towards that future they are talking about? Or is he talking about the future more than actually taking any action? An example - if a guy says he wants to move to city A with you, is he applying to jobs there, interviewing there, researching the life there, looking at accommodations, asking for your input and desires in all of the previously mentioned.
Realistic - Is the future he is talking about actually realistic? An example - If he wants to move to City A with you, but all of his family and friends are in his current city, and if he has little savings, and little ambition, then it's prob not that realistic.
Specific - Is he being specific? Examples of non-specific statements: I want to live with you forever. I only want you forever. I'll do anything it takes to be with you. I only have eyes with you. There's no one else in the world I want to be with. I want to marry you and we'll have such a nice house where you can [fill in the blank].
IME, if it feels like he's just telling you what you want to hear, then he probably is.
You can only tell by vetting him over time, which requires caution and a ruthless, calculating appraisal of how he behaves long term. But there are some common clues that he's lovebombing you and using future faking as a tactic, or stringing you along and future faking to keep you hooked. Namely, you can match his statements to his actions. If he makes grand romantic proclamations and promises but your situationship never seems to go anywhere, he's lying to you.
For example, he talks about wanting to marry you. Is it early in the relationship, like just a few weeks or months in? Has he made any concrete plans towards marriage, like proposing with a tasteful but valuable ring? Do you know his friends and family and much more importantly, do they know you? How many holidays have you spent together? What did he get you for your birthday? Did he bring you soup when you were sick? Has he ever declined when you asked him for a favor? Someone who is serious about you will show you he loves you by his actions (and maybe be slow to finally tell you, because he doesn't want to scare you off).
Oh, he's not the marrying type? He had a bad experience with his "crazy" ex, and wants you to audition to be his wife by living together first to make sure you're the one? Sis, he wants a Mommy Bangmaid, not a future with you. If he wanted you forever, he'd put a ring on it to keep you from leaving him for a better man. Ditch this freeloading loser.
Are you officially a couple to everyone you both know, including his entire family and best friends, or does it seem like he always has an excuse for why you haven't met his people? If the latter, accept that you're a placeholder at best, or more likely a side chick or hookup that he'd never want anyone he cares about to think he was actually dating.
Is he asking to borrow money from you or combine finances in any way, maybe with flowery language about how he "wants to build a future together" or "this will finally give us the freedom to move forward"? Congrats, you've landed a bum. RUN RUN RUN if a man who isn't your husband and with whom you haven't carefully and thoughtfully laid out a strong financial plan starts wanting to combine your money. He intends to exploit you financially, as high value men are as reluctant to take on a woman who is financially irresponsible as high value women are to intermingle their lives with a deadbeat.
He talks about the trips you should take together one day, the house he will build you, what your kids will look like, how great your first name sounds with his last name, how much his parents will just love you (when he can finally arrange a meeting, since the meetings he's already pretended to arrange keep getting mysteriously postponed), but none of those things ever materialize and when you bring them up later, he gets defensive or even angry and tells you not to rush things. He says he can't wait for you to meet his friends but it never happens. He tells you he loves you long before it's possible for him to know you well enough to even like you. He wants all of the fire and passion and romance without any of the loyalty, time, or dedication those things require.
In short, he's all talk, no results. Watch him, never stop vetting him, and remember that people tell on themselves without speaking a word if you're patient enough to sit back and observe them. Men like this are easy to spot once you know the game.
The lazier dudes tell on themselves pretty quickly with their lack of follow through. If he talks about fun things he wants to do together without taking any actions to make those things happen, he’ll probably never follow through on anything else he tells you either
Thank you everyone for your comments particularly with descriptions of specific scenarios as examples. Doesn’t seem like I’m in any of these situations for now, but good to be prepared.