Still Very New to FDS, Very Confused, Hurt, and Struggling

I've posted to FDS before, all about the same experience and uncertainty:

(https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/ask-fds-public/is-this-lvm-behaviour-and-it-too-late-to-practice-fds-advice-needed)

(https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/ask-fds-public/how-should-a-hvm-handle-a-toxic-over-stepping-or-inappropriate-ex-girlfriend)

And I received great advice, thoughts, considerations, and even reached points of near-certainty that this guy was raising red flags and that the right thing to was delete and block. I was sometimes seconds away from just doing it. The TLDR version bc this is gonna be a lengthy post: I'm a person with C-PTSD from DV, I'm a serial dater, came into self-help spaces such as AA and FDS less than a year ago, and have a situation with a guy I met over two years ago, began formally dating around last Fall, broke up this past weekend, and overall, he is someone I have had tremendous weakness for (as in, feel inability to confirm a breakup with him despite red flags, feel a strong sense that he's the "great love of my life" as stupid as that sounds, feel and have always felt overwhelming passion toward him). He exhibited some HV qualities in the time we were together which complicates my feelings about the situation. ___________ The situation is- prior to meeting this guy, I had significant C-PTSD from multiple relationships that involved domestic violence, sexual assault, and situations of manipulation. At points, I would develop dependency on alcohol to cope. Around a year ago, I began attending AA meetings to address this and also found FDS around the same time. After a nasty breakup with someone who was particularly body-shaming and gross, I tried to be committed to bettering myself and making steps toward my own healing such as returning to my degree, seeking work, considering my standards with men, and generally trying to return to myself and my hobbies. By last Summer, I was beginning to see the benefits of these choices. Around this time, a man who I'd felt huge infatuation for after a brief... affair? time together? couple months of dating? I dunno what to call it. I guess-- thing where he asked me to come to his cottage with him in 2020 and we didn't really know each other well but it was extremely romantic. It lasted for a couple months and I ended it because a woman posted something I perceived as flirty to his social media. I maybe overreacted a bit and ended it. I pursued him some months afterward in the city he lives in which resulted in a very empty and hollow sexual experience. A long time afterward in the Summer of 2022, I suspect because he saw I was single again after a different relationship, he began actively pursuing me. I was surprised and curious, and though he flaked a few times on the time of coming to my city (we are about 2 hours apart), I was inclined to meet with him again. It was a confusing experience when he was here- it was overall very romantic in terms of how he paid for a lovely dinner, took us to a museum, and planned a show to see. But he was definitely inclined toward having sex that weekend and only proposed a relationship after I declined sex with him. It all left me feeling very complicated, as I wrote in an earlier FDS post, but I continued the relationship. I made a couple trips to see him, at my expense, but we always had a wonderful time together and he would put great effort into taking me to things he thought I'd like. He would be very romantic toward me even when I was clearly nervous about the new relationship. We eventually had sex and it was clear that he preferred that a bit rougher- he liked when I would give him oral sex and he could push my head down and yank my hair around. It was disconcerting but I wanted to feel closer to him.

In November, while we were in our separate cities, I mailed him a big birthday present and sent him Ubereats. The card I sent was very sweet and I felt like I was being a bit vulnerable in showing my affection toward him. That same day, his ex-girlfriend (who he'd been with for almost 10 years) posted "Sweet birthday baby!!! Big huge love!!!" along with some song to his social media page. When we spoke on the phone about it, he didn't seem embarrassed or eager to delete her or anything I'd expect. He instead basically justified it by saying that they were essentially like a divorced couple; that there was no chemistry there but that they kept in touch and tried to be supportive of one another. He justified in some odd ways too-- he would say "I'm just such a hippie, I love everyone" and also expressed worry that because I broke up with him the year before over a flirty social media post that I was possibly doing this again. I understood that what happened before was an overreaction on my part, but this was much, much stranger. His ex would also call him and tell him when she was seeing someone new. It seemed absolutely bizarre. He pushed toward an "agree to disagree" attitude on the situation with his ex. We continued seeing each other and I met his brothers over New Year's. I was very nervous, but otherwise, the situation was a usual "meet the family" experience. But he seemed to normalize that we should have sex with each other even though I had said I had some misgivings about it, especially given everything with the ex. Both our sex and the relationship would reach very high intensity. I began drinking with him socially even though I tried to normally not drink so much. I dropped further from AA. I took on 3, no joke, 3 jobs on top of my degree in an effort to build my life up. He was working a lot on a visual effects film job. We both seemed very tired. The weekends together became a kind of vacation from our stress. I still thought everything with the ex was bizarre. And being apart without an endgame in sight seemed odd. A professor I was working for offhandedly mentioned the possibility of a job out of the country and this heightened my anxiety about the relationship even more. What exactly were we doing? We were having dates and outings and sex but there was no real plan. And the relationship had an awkward component; I held myself far from him, likely because of C-PTSD, and took baby steps toward closeness which in a long-distance situation, can easily become having separate lives altogether. We still had surprising things in common; similar lifestyles, both the kind of people who are quiet, like artistic things, tend toward calmness, yoga, being in the woods. We shared our time easily together. With some uncertainty in mind about the relationship, I hoped that when we saw each over Valentine's Day there would be some clarity and sense of certainty about us. Instead he arrived hours late to my city, exhausted from his work. I had bought him a plant I thought he'd like, some chocolates, and I made a card based on Peter Pan, a story we both like. He didn't arrive with anything for me on Valentine's. While I briefly was in a zoom meeting for work, he went out and got me a flower, but it felt like a husband who'd forgotten an anniversary. Too little, too late. In exhaustion, he called some restaurants to make a late night reservation. I decided that it meant something that he was trying so hard even though he was tired from work. We did have a great night and he took me to an art show the next day. I felt wildly conflicted throughout this. He didn't plan for Valentine's, was callous about the ex situation, didn't have a plan for our future, but was making these clear, sincere attempts to have a good time together. He even was almost crying at the art show we went to. At one point, while he was just in another room, he texted me, "Are you doing ok?" Just really out-of-the-blue sensitivity. I loved it. I was so tired though while he was visiting. I have work at 7AM most mornings. It was hard. We were both sleepless. After Valentine's Day, I stayed up until 3:30AM grading papers. We decided to go to his family's cottage for the weekend and we were both exhausted. I also got my period right when we got to the cottage which is very rural and without running water. We were tired and stressed. Initially, it was nice. We tried to relax. We talked about our families and it felt intimate. We drank some wine and I cooked dinner. He started coming onto me while I cooked and he clearly wanted to have sex. As we made out, in a moment of vulnerability, I told him, "I have so many feelings for you." He answered, " I'm really fond of you too." This upset me. "Fond" felt so completely distant. This guy had been having intense sex with me two days before. I got distant and stood up and began putting away dishes. He knew I was bothered and tried to hold me again. I was resistant. I brought how much the situation with his ex hurt me. He accused me of being possessive and unfair. I felt manipulated. I told him how stupid our entire long-distance situation was, how many odds were stacked against us, how we had no plan. Neither of us raised our voices, but it was tense. As the the tension rose, I said that we should just break up, that this was a crazy thing to maintain. We both got quiet and then just went to sleep soonafter. In the morning, we were still tense. I started crying all day and saying, "I don't really know what to do." He would cuddle me and kiss me on the cheek a bit and we both seemed a little shell-shocked. He affirmed that, yes, we should probably break up. He kept cuddling and touching me and eventually started kissing me and trying to have sex. I told him that I didn't mean it- that he was the best guy I'd ever been with and that I wanted to stay together. He said a lot of neutral things-- that he wasn't sure entirely, that he cared about me. He tried to have sex again and kept trying and put my hand on his dick, so while I knew we shouldn't have sex given how emotionally intense everything was, I gave him a handjob. It wasn't fulfilling at all for me. I just wanted everything to be fine and wanted us to be okay again. We cleaned up the cottage on Sunday and drove back to the city. We calmly talked about things and I told him again that I was sorry we had argued and that I wanted to be together. When we got back to my city, I asked if we could sit and talk for moment and he said it was alright. I asked if he wanted to breakup and he said yes. He said the fact that I suggested it at all and wasn't 100% sure showed that I was too volatile and he couldn't trust me anymore. I told him he could trust me, that I was sorry, and that everything had just been stressful lately. He held me and I begged him to think about it. He left saying he would, but he didn't think he could trust me ever again. I cried all over him. I told him he was the best boyfriend I'd ever had.

Now, it's Monday and I'm in a dark place. Drinking again, calling in sick to work, missing exercise class, delaying emails and obligations. Wondering if the people on FDS were right, wondering what I should have done, what I should do now. He wants to be friends, I guess the way he is with that ex-girlfriend. I know that the protocol on FDS is delete and block, but... how can I? How can I possibly do that with someone who I think was the only person I've ever actually loved in years? Someone who I'm completely, deeply weak for like I've never been in my life? What would you do? Please tell me sincerely. I know the FDS stance is delete and block... but I feel so hopeful for a something that I can't put my finger on. What would you do? Is it only delete and block? I'm in so, so much pain. Is the only answer deleting him? Is there anything to hold onto?