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I've posted on here a couple of times asking for support in leaving my current relationship. Because I have low self-esteem and had an abusive childhood, it's taking me a long time to understand what treatment is ok and what isn't. I have read the handbook several times and have been following FDS for a couple of years now. But I'm finding it hard to trust my own judgement on my current relationship.
So again I'll leave a quick overview of my situation. Met a guy online a year or so ago, we chatted as friends on social media then since the summer we were talking most days. We met up after 2 months of talking. He has a very good job, and pays for the majority of our food and expenses. We went on holiday and he said to not worry about paying him back until after Christmas. He also bought me quite an expensive Christmas present.
But I've got a weird gut feeling that I can't tell if it's anxiety or not. I know I've been labelled a Pickme but when you're in a crap situation and you don't have any experience of a healthy relationship, it's hard to believe there's better out there or that you deserve it anyway. My boyfriend had a traumatic childhood as did I, and so I have empathy and understanding for why he has acted in certain ways in the relationship. I also don't know if I'm overreacting to certain things so I'm looking for support here, please have patience or ignore this post. It's so hard to unlearn low self-esteem and start believing you deserve better.
Anyway generally my boyfriend is very caring but a few things have rubbed me up the wrong way. I went on holiday a couple of months ago and he didn't ask me how it was. Sometimes I'll ring him and he'll not respond, knowing I've got anxiety. When I question it he tells me his phone was on the bed or he was napping. We were recently going to go round a friend's house and I asked him when we'd be meeting. He was active on social media but didn't reply to me til 6 hours later, saying he had a migraine and was napping. But I saw him online.
I've asked him when we can meet up and because of work stress and what he called imposter syndrome, he's said he he'll see me when he sees me. It upset me but we did meet up in the end and things were good. We since went on holiday. I felt like he wasn't paying me much attention and one day I got upset and started crying. I told him the problems I had with the relationship, like him taking 5-6 hours to reply despite being on social media. He then took himself off to the bathroom and started crying. He came out and I asked him what was wrong, he didn't respond but eventually said "Just give me a minute."
He rarely calls me. When we meet up like 1-2 times a week it's great and he pays for everything. But am I expecting too much in that I'd like a boyfriend I can call at least every other night, or someone I can watch a show with or play a game with? Previous boyfriends have played video games with me every night even just for an hour. My current boyfriend mainly just texts me a couple of times throughout the day. I kinda want more but I know he's under a lot of stress from work and has an important job.
We went on holiday like I've mentioned and we were on a busy train. I don't like crowds and I said that I was ready to jump on the track. He jokingly said that I'd be doing us both a favour. I told him that was hurtful and he just said he was joking. But there's been a few comments he's made like calling me looney and crazy despite my mental health issues. I told him it's upsetting for me and he just said he meant I'm quirky and he has since stopped calling me those names.
Something just doesn't feel right. I almost broke up with him a few weeks ago but he insisted on coming to see me and we worked it out.
Also another thing I get anxiety and sometimes I struggle to order food in restaurants. Sometimes I can manage ok but the other evening I asked him to order for me and even after explaining why I'd like him to do it for me, he said for me to get used to doing it and he'd hold my hand when doing it. He said if it was because of him that I struggled to order, he could always go home. He asked if I had therapy.
Please have patience with me. I've asked friends for their thoughts but most say he's probably just joking when he makes certain comments. I used to get really anxious when he didn't reply to messages but now I don't even care. But I'm scared to make a mistake if I do leave, and I have empathy for why he acts this way.
So...you have caught him lying to you. He only contacts you at his convenience. He gaslights you frequently. He responds to any attempts at discussing your concerns about this situationship by manipulating you with fake tears. He doesn't always pay for everything on every date. He uses your childhood abuse as a way to excuse himself from accountability. He uses his own childhood abuse as a way to dodge his shabby treatment of you. And most importantly, your gut is telling you to run.
Two things: First, you need to find a therapist who specializes in childhood abuse. This is non-negotiable and not optional. As someone who also had an abusive childhood, the only reason I am alive and breathing today, and the only thing that gave me courage to leave my marriage to a covert narcissist, was therapy. Find a good one and go. It will hurt a lot, and you will cry a lot, and you will feel worse before you start to feel better. But it will save you a lifetime of heartache. You lack boundaries and are not able to advocate effectively for yourself, and this is rooted in what your parents did to you as a child. However, being abused is not an excuse to repeat these patterns endlessly. You know what the problem is, so start working to fix it. Until you do so, you are not in any position to have a healthy relationship and you will attract abusive sociopaths and narcissists like flies to honey.
Second, what you are describing is not a relationship. You're in a situationship with a negative value scrote who treats you like a prostitute. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. He doesn't care about your feelings. If you dropped off the face of the Earth tomorrow he would feel temporarily annoyed because his sex provider went missing, but he wouldn't miss you. He buys you expensive gifts just often enough to make you think he actually cares, but he doesn't, and he never will. This isn't because you aren't enough, or because there's some deficiency in you. It's because he's a typical man and his only concern is getting his dick wet. High value men are exceedingly rare; the majority are like the man you are currently entertaining.
There is no relationship to leave, so the only thing to do is block him on everything and delete every remnant and reminder of him in your life. Sell the expensive stuff and literally burn the rest. We do not entertain human garbage like this scrote. They are a dime a dozen, low value, and as plentiful as ticks in the woods. Scrape this parasite off, permanently, and then go to therapy and work on yourself. In the meantime, please get a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Ignoring your gut instincts can literally kill you, and the book will help you understand why you are doing all the wrong things. It's not your fault, but it is fixable. And as a woman who deserves to be happy, you owe it to yourself to fix things once you have identified them as problems. We do not let our traumas be excuses not to self-improve. Our path as abuse survivors may be more difficult than that of others in some ways, but it is still our responsibility to give ourselves the best life we can. That means taking out the trash and leveling up.
Block, delete, go to therapy. Any other course of action will perpetuate your misery, and at that point your unhappiness will be entirely self-inflicted. I hope you start making better decisions for yourself, Queen. You don't deserve to suffer for another single second.
It reads to me like you don’t trust your intuition. If what he does doesn’t work or sit right with you, then your inner voice is trying to give you a message but you are, for whatever reason, burying it, looking for your friends’ opinions and forum users to rationalise it away. But you don’t like how he’s treating you, do you? I bet you don’t feel your happiest and authentic self around this man. Hell, you don’t even seem to spend that much time with him - something he’s controlling here. Listen. He ain’t it. And you know I’m right. You know that YOU are right. But all the posting in the world isn’t going to change his behaviour or alter your instincts around it. It’s not going to give you the reassurance that yeh, actually your feelings are valid because they’re your damn feelings and he appears to be doing a great job of hurting them on the regular. And if you want my 2 cents: a man who makes cruel jokes in response to your discomfort. A man who doesn’t respond to his girlfriend for hours at a time. One that controls the narrative about when you hang out… is not the man for you. Unless his other redeeming qualities make him worth the bother. But if that was the case I don’t think you would be writing this post. Trust your feelings. They are the warning signs of harm and unhappiness and you’re trying to bury them and explain them away because this dude buys you the odd fucking meal and provides intermittent reinforcement. I suspect your self esteem would take a massive boost once you decide that this man isn’t good enough for you and act accordingly.
Get angry.
Anger is galvanizing
You know his treatment of you isn't ok. He's rude, degrading, disrespectful and hurtful. He doesn't extend empathy or care to you the way you do to him.
As someone will self esteem issues, don't listen to those voices. Your spider sense is telling you to run, your trauma brain is rationalizing it. Listen to your intuition.
You don't have to know what's next to jump. Step off the cliff, you will make your parachute as you're falling. Getting away from him will calm a lot of your anxiety and clear the fog for what's next. Trust me. Good luck, we're rooting for you.
How can you fly a plane to Tahiti when you have never taken flight classes and you do not know how to read a map?
You are actually behaving rationally. If you are used to starving for love then breadcrumbs are a relief.
It might be too overwhelming for you to block and delete (even though I agree that that is what you should do). Neglect is abuse. He is neglecting you and he knows it. It might be even harder for you because he doesn’t hit you and he pays for stuff. You will remain in the fog of confusion every time you engage with him.
But for THIS week, have an activity where your phone will be turned off for at least 2-3 hours. Join a movie group or class where you will NOT turn on your phone to respond to him or check in on him online.
He is going to be a hypocrite and get angry with you for being less responsive to him. Be ready for the guilt tripping and read up on grey rock. (Which is a great skill for life.).
You need new friends. That you have a history of being abused and that they are invalidating your feelings tells me that they are not good friends to you. Don’t “break up” with anyone but join some kind of activity that does not center on men.
Final note, consider that this man is going to dump you. But first he is going to drag what little self- esteem you have through the mud.
If you block and delete NOW, then you can reach out to him in 21 days and say that you are sorry for acting crazy. (But the farther you get from him the better you will feel.) He will take you back or he will say no but then contact you after he feels he has made you pay.
This advice is not optimal but I would rather you take the risk of blocking NOW and then circle back to him vs a few weeks, months or years down the line when you come back here to FDS wondering if you should forgive his cheating or feeling deep shame that he dumped you and you wish you had listened.
I hope this perspective is helpful to you in some way. You deserve someone in real life to help you through this but until then FDS will have to do.
This thread is a goldmine. I would hasten to add that whenever a man says you're crazy or sensitive, he's gaslighting you, projecting, or both. This guy sounds like he is struggling with mental health himself in addition to being a manipulative and mean person. It's not your job to fix him. Use that energy on yourself.
Time to simplify. A relationship should make you happy. Are you happy? If the answer is no, then that is your answer. This guy does not give a shit about your happiness, nor does he appear to give a shit about you. And still you think this is worthy of your time and energy?
Until you learn to value yourself, you will be stuck with shit men, who are happy to use a woman until there is nothing left of her. Being alone is better than this nonsense. If you don't value your own happiness and peace of mind enough to dump this loser, then I don't know what anyone else could say to convince you.
When scrotes say they're joking they usually mean theyre not, end of. Its a form of negging + evading all responsibility all the way through. They can be extremely manipulative and play hot and cold with you to keep their control. Trust your gut about it! you're not supposed to be second-guessing yourself or being anxious, questioning yourself, wondering if youre not good enough. etc.
I don't know how long you guys have been together but I'd say if you haven't been together long enough 1-2 weeks is ok. you should be in control of your relationship status. Would u say you'd be more relaxed without having to wonder about that guy anymore, would that be a relief for you? Don't say if..., but focus on where he is right now, not his future progress. Then make up your mind.