Still grieving a friendship breakup and sometimes wonder if I was in the wrong. (Tw; rape)

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tc7tey/lost_a_female_friend_and_dont_know_how_to_process/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf From about half a year ago. I’m sorry to reshare here. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks when I remember the argument we had. friendship break ups hurt.

copy paste ;

Lost a female friend and don’t know how to process. (Trigger warning for rape and abuse survivors)

I’m in tears as I type so I’m sorry if I don’t make sense. I’m also sorry I don’t know what better community to turn for comfort. Just emotionally overwhelmed. There was a woman who I’ve been sorta distant friends with the past 5 or so years. She was 21 and I was 17 when we first met. My rapist and her bf were 22 or so. She found out I was a minor and expressed disapproval to her bf over it. It drove us apart since both our boyfriends didn’t want us talking… she never took action beyond that to help me though. Maybe I’m being ridiculous for wishing that as the adult friend at the time, I wish she had done more to help me (I’m not saying she should have physically or mentally put herself in harms way for me; but I do wish she talked to me more about how I was groomed while it was occurring). I never blame the abuse on her though.

I truly cared about her a lot because we’ve been through the same traumas; having been through rape and abuse from men. I met her through my ex rapist… her boyfriend is best friends with him. He still is… after all of these years. & she never broke up with him over it… knowing our mutual history, I guess I expected a different outcome once my rapist and I broke up + she found out? Because personally I could never date a man who knowingly is “bros” with a rapist. I didn’t hold it against her though.

Until one day she replied to one of my FDS stories on Instagram that I made about internalized misogyny and pick-me shit. She asked me how do I know the girl I described is a pick me? What if she is just further healed than you are? It was referencing a situation I brought up about how a fuckboy tried to play me, but I wouldn’t let him sleep with me. Then he ultimately ended up with a pick me girl who always says she can’t be friends with women because we’re too dramatic, LMAO .

I just felt like from the way she framed her question, she was kind of against me or coming at me for no reason? So I told her I shouldn’t have expected her to be on my side since she never stood up for me to my ex. She cursed me out after, saying she fights tooth and nail for me… I explained that I’m sorry I didn’t know she stood up for me because how am I supposed to know if she’s never mentioned it/we barely talk/the fact she and her bf are still associated with my rapist… I felt like it was justified why I felt unsupported.

But she ended up making me feel super bad about saying she didn’t speak up for me because apparently she did. I hope you ladies on FDS understand why I didn’t assume she would considering how close in proximity her bf and her still were with my former rapist. Any how, I apologized for falsely thinking she didn’t care for me?

Another time she messaged me to go off at me for contacting my rapist without letting her know I told him her and I were talking (because I guess I caused conflict and tension in her friend group? I don’t know.) I actually did not reach out at all to him. She just assumed I did because my rapist started acting super weird (rapist started talking about what happened with me, tried to get sympathy) then her bf and her started fighting.

Apparently her bf is still his bestfriend because he wants to “prevent him from raping another girl.” But I let that go because I knew she’s been with her bf for years and at least she said she isn’t directly friends with my rapist. She said sorry for assuming wrong just because everyone around her was behaving so strange. But honestly looking back, why the fuck did I put up with that??

Third time today, she decided to message me to tell me that she has to unfollow me and say goodbye since the convo we had where I said she didn’t stand up for me took a toll on her mental health/she became suicidal. (Haha I felt suicidal too from reliving the trauma in that convo and feeling gaslit for feeling unprotected). She said it made her feel like all the times she spoke up for me was for no reason… I already had said I’m sorry and acknowledged her efforts that I wasn’t aware of before… I thought that misunderstanding was cleared up. As well as the time she accused me of talking to my rapist about our friendship without notifying her.

She said my actions have triggered her very much. That her bf and her keep fighting and now she’s contemplating breaking up with him since he’s still associated with a rapist. Also mentioned she is uncomfortable when I post anti sex industry stories on Instagram because it triggers her trauma from sex work, which I really do empathize with. I’m never insulting sex workers, I do insult the industry and exploitation from depraved men though. I would have hidden my story from her if I knew it negatively impacted her that much to read about. I feel quite terrible about that.

She basically abandoned me as a friend. Because I guess I was so wrong that first time for thinking she wasn’t really on my side? Claimed what I said was impulsive and cruel. I guess she doesn’t remember the time she attacked me for doing absolutely nothing. I guess she couldn’t understand why I was defensive the first time we had a dispute. Hahahaha. I don’t know if I’m crazy for feeling slightly gaslit. I feel pathetic for looking past all the times she made me feel like shit. The fact that I didn’t cut her off first makes me feel like a dumbass. The way this deepened the wound… I guess sunken cost fallacy happens in friendships too.

I thought I meant more to her than this. I’m sorry I haven’t had a friendship breakup in awhile so I probably sound ridiculously sad. Half of me keeps blaming myself even when I know I had justifications for my own actions and apologized for my missteps.

It still was definitely not her job to defend me at the end of the day… I don’t fault her for the traumatizing acts my ex and her bf have caused.

I will always have love for her regardless of everything.

Edit; thank you ladies who read and/or commented 🤍 It seriously helped me in my process to move forward.