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ladies what's your stance on ”star fishing” during sex, where the man is the most active one in terms of giving sexual stimulation while the woman just lies there to receive and enjoy the pleasure without much effort or participation on her part to please? Is it normal or fair if I desired for the man to be mainly the active party in bed and do most of the pleasuring and foreplay performing while I just set back, relax and passivley receive?
Is it selfish and hypocrytical that I expect to be given oral sex but not want to reciprocate it back ( giving blowjobs are a big no for me)
Do you ladies prefer to ”starfish” or be an ”equally active part in giving pleasure?
First and foremost, sex should be on OUR terms. Period. Have the sex YOU want to have. If that means no bjs and only doing starfish, it’s not selfish or wrong, it’s your standard.
Personally, I only have sex with men who really want to have sex with me, so it’s normal for him to want to bring me pleasure. Good men ENJOY pleasuring women and doing right by them. Especially in the bedroom. By the time we have sex, we’ve usually already spent months dating, making out, grinding, teasing, and the tension is insane. I expect a man to make me orgasm at least once with either his mouth or hands before I let him penetrate me, and during our first few weeks finally having sex it’s just him learning my body and it rarely ends with penetration. Still a fun, intimate experience, but never at my expense. It also introduces aspects to the dynamic slowly and keeps the anticipation and excitement going. I don’t see this as selfish or unfair. He is blessed to be with me and to get to see me naked in my most vulnerable state. Sex with me is a privilege, not a right. If a man has no desire to see me orgasming by his hand he doesn’t deserve access to my body nor my time. He should be grateful. Any man whining or being ungrateful should be nexted immediately. He’s a LV scrote.
I ONLY date men who don’t watch porn and these men NEVER ask for blow jobs. Ever. It never even crosses their mind. They love fingering and munching box tho. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: the sexiest look from a man is when he pops his head up from between my legs, beard soaked, and his dick hard as a rock and dripping in anticipation. It’s so hot. I want that or nothing at all. On the other hand, a man asking for a bj is just a scrote. It’s degrading and humiliating. No good, decent, nor respectful man is going to want to watch you choke on his dick and nearly vomit all over him. Men have said themselves it doesn’t feel as good as real sex or even a hand job, both of those I find are respectful and not dehumanizing, so any man asking for degrading or humiliating sex revolt me. They’re bottom of the barrel scumbags. I suggest we leave these kinds of men to rot and die alone, unloved and forgotten.
Hope this helps. Have your standards and keep to em!
First of all, it's interesting how "starfishing" is a word only applied to women. You never see women complaining about men starfishing (although most of them do) bc it's yet another term to shame women into acting out porn. On porn men are almost always receiving pleasure while the woman acts like being jackhammered and degraded is the best thing she has ever felt.
Going back to your question, I have a rule: I only give pleasure to a man that has already made me cum. So yeah, I do sit, relax and enjoy myself while he gets me off. If he can't accomplish that, then I won't be doing anything to get him off either. When I was younger I would give handjobs to men that didn't even know where my clit was, never again!! And no, I don't find it hypocritical to expect oral sex but not being ok with giving blowjobs. I'm like that too and so far, it hasn't been a real problem.
There are men whose favorite thing during sex is giving the woman pleasure. Any other kind of men is sexually incompatible with me.
Pillow Princessing is the only way babe. Enjoy the pleasure you're supposed to be served.
Where a man does most of the giving? Nah. A man will fuck a McChicken. 7% of women in hookups and maybe 30% in committed relationships are getting off during hetero sex at best. He ain't giving nothing.
Also? Every man I've slept with has tried to get me on top every time and then just laid there when I did and no one's called them starfish. Time to flip this narrative!!
My two cents is that in reality women hardly ever "starfish" and do most of the receiving, and men receive way more effort and orgasms from women than women receive from men. This is quite evident with the infamous orgasm gap. Star-fishing is probably a term favoured by scrotes who are selfish and low effort in the bedroom. It is physically very awkward for women to do most of the movement during sex, its more natural for men to be doing that, so when they complain about women star fishing its probably just laziness. Those women probably spent 20 minutes trying to give him a BJ.
So is it selfish to be more passive and receive? Absolutely not, its quite normal and feminine! never let scrotes guilt trip you into thinking that doing that is selfish and not reciprocating, BJs and more dominant sex positions on the womans part take 10 times more effort and are low key uncomfy/painful - its very hard to orgasm that way. P0rn definitely promotes the idea that women do all the work and are there to look hot during sex, this is in the heads of many men. This also makes women feel guilty or bad at sex for not doing similar acts to these pornstars.
How men treat you in bed says a lot about how they feel about you. If he is selfish in bed he is selfish as a person, if he is generous in bed then he is likely generous and caring as a person. It's valid and healthy to expect the latter from a man.
There are many men out there eager to please his girl. I'd rather have sex with them.
Men almost always orgasm from PIV (99% of the time). Therefore if he doesn’t make an effort, his female partner won’t get any pleasure.
So if you’re a dude asking this question, “do better”!
The way you worded this sounds a bit like it was written by a man. Like, only men shame women for "starfishing" and "just laying there". When men receive pleasure like handjobs or blowjobs they usually don't do much else either. So many men don't even make noises or facial expressions! And it's considered totally normal. Of course you can expect your partner to give you pleasure while you only worry about enjoying it. 🤷♀️
So many good answers here! Men are going to orgasm regardless so idc about “starfishing”. How about I actually would want to receive pleasure? And I don’t think it’s hypocritical to not want to give blowjobs but to except oral sex. Men orgasm from PIV pretty much all the time but women don’t.
Starfish is what a rapist's calls a victim in the freeze state. If a man complains about this it's a major red flag. They out themselves as rapist's this way.
Good men get pleasure from giving pleasure.
I've basically starfished all my life and none of my partners, no matter how LV, made a stink about it. I'm pretty sure the only men who expect you to like idk do cartwheels on their dicks, or whatever not starfishing entails, are probably gay and need the theatrics to be able to be aroused by a woman.
It never ceases to baffle me how blowjobs got so "mainstream". To the extent that so many women now worry it might be "selfish" to not want to do it (you're definitely not alone in this, BoxMile).
I imagine if I had a penis, I wouldn't want it anywhere near teeth. But men are so "logical"? 😆
Thank you all ladies for all of these great answers. The ideal image in my head about sexual intimacy has always been a with man doing all work, pleasuring his woman, him being the "only” one performing foreplay while the woman just relaxes on the bed being served and pleased as she should. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who felt this way about intimacy. It feels validating knowing that I'm not crazy or selfish for thinking that.
Note: a lady in the comments assumed I was a guy for asking this question, lol I assure you I'm not, just a woman asking a genuine question.
This is a reason why I never felt confident about being in a relationship - I don't feel that I'd have the creativity during sex to keep a man interested; I'd be tempted to just like there and receive. Sure, I'd love to touch him and stuff but then what :(
But I feel a little better now that I've read this thread and realizing that "starfishing" on the part of women isn't such a bad thing.
When I think of the term starfish, I think of a woman who is such a people pleaser or so traumatized that she thinks she has to make her body available to somebody she's not attracted to and doesn't want to have sex with. Like her gross boyfriend, or the older man she's dating but is struggling to say no to because she doesn't have strong boundaries, or the guy who just kept asking her out and he seemed nice so now he's her boyfriend despite not having actual physical chemistry or shared interests. I've definitely received sexual effort if that's what you're asking, and that occurs when a man is aroused and wants to have sex, I've literally never encountered a man who expects you to do all the work. That would almost be laughable. I can see that maybe happening with a super p***sick guy under the age of 21, but most men want to do a good job and even have performance anxiety over whether or not they're going to be able to do a good job.
I will generally want them to be on top, you can switch positions whether it's missionary or doggy or on your belly or on your side etc, and when I noticed he starts to get tired then I will ride him for a little while. Honestly it's kind of unappealing when a man gets out of breath after only 15 minutes of sex. Probably a sign he needs to work out more.
The only men I am having sex with are men I'm genuinely interested and attracted and who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and respectful, so I don't actually have an issue with reciprocating sexual effort but by the time we get to sex these men are eager to please and turned on so I don't really relate to what you're saying.
In terms of wanting to receive oral sex but not give, I don't really see a problem with that. I love to give oral sex if I'm in a committed relationship with a man I feel safe with and in love with. But with my last ex, he literally said out loud that he is a giver with an oral fixation and prohibited me from even touching his penis the very first time we were intimate, he wanted all the focus on me and exclusively catered to me and my pleasure. After that, he literally only reciprocated one other time and it was when I specifically asked him to and he pretended like he wasn't sure if I was off my period yet even though it had been literally 11 days and he is a nurse.
So I'm just saying there are definitely men out there who are takers and not givers so I don't really give a s*** if women do it too LOL in fact I think it would be funny if you encountered one of them who is used to taking advantage of women and you refuse to go along with it.
I have had my most enjoyable sex while 'starfishing'. I thought sex positivity was about healthy sexual mindsets and equal opportunity pleasure? I make sure that my partner enjoys in bed too - I do things that he likes in bed (for the first time in forever, I am doing this happily because I know he will give it back) So when it's my time, I relax back and let him do his thing.
If the goal is mutual pleasure and a woman's orgasm requires focus, foreplay, and trust, then how is making time and giving that attention and diligence required selfish or unfair?
You don't want to have a shitty lover, right? So you need to give him the space to show you that by letting him take the lead. And then once that's been established, you want to show him your pleasure. You know that's the #1 thing that stands in the way of that? Being in your head. Focusing on pleasing him.
YOU CANNOT CUM IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HIM
Your orgasm requires your active participation in completely decentering him from your pleasure. It's not passive in the least.
I imagine a lot of men who complain about starfishers are imposing on the starfish. She's probably hoping he'll finish soon so she can go to sleep