Over the past year I’ve been letting go of relationships that don’t serve me. I noticed i was the one always giving and not getting much in return or people taking advantage of my kindness. It’s been really tough for me to try and change the types of friendships i engage in. So I’ve been trying to make new friendships with better quality women. A work colleague has invited me over to hers for drinks this weekend which was really nice and was really excited as I’m never invited anywhere. Its usually me that arranges things. She’d even sent me photos of her garden with two hammocks and her new garden lights to enjoy. Thing is…I’ve just noticed she may be another user to take advantage of my kindness. For instance, at work she asked if I could drive her home as her car was broke (I’d just got to work but I did it). She occasionally asks me to do small errands for her (which I do). Yesterday whilst I was in a totally different department and busy working she came to ask for my help with her work (she’s dyslexic. This involved my other colleague to finish my work whilst I helped her). Also, she lives quite far from me so I’m having to travel there and back which in turn is me doing all the work. She’s said she sees something in me that shows we could get along. Maybe it’s me overthinking but maybe she sees me as a benefit to her needs. Now I’ve noticed these things it’s making me feel in refusing her offer. Even writing this I am seeing this as old habits and patterns emerging. Ones I don’t want to repeat. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt or just cancel? Just wondering on your thoughts and how to deal with this?
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Girl where are your boundaries? It sounds like you have NONE If you can't help someone without sacrificing your work or performance then YOU CANNOT HELP THEM. Running errands for people at work should only ever be -i'm off to the store you want anything? -NEVER TAKE ORDERS FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR BOSS and these errands aren't even work related smh I've no idea if you should be friends w her bc none of this relationship sounds pleasant or professional. YOU ARE NOT BEING KIND YOU ARE BEING CODEPENDENT. Work on your professionalism so you can make genuine connections that don't revolve around performing favors. Start saying no to her at work- if you can't eat lunch w her you damn well cant handle happy hour or a house party w her
I had a friendship where I had done her a lot of “favors” like you describe. Drive her, feed her, never ending list. The one time I needed her to do something for me she said no. After that at one point I saw her calling me, and without answering I just KNEW she wanted something. I answered and I was right, it was another HUGE favor. I said no and never spoke to her again after that.
Nah definitely a user. Did she even offer you gas money for those rides ? Did she ever pay for lunch or help you out as a thank you? I know you shouldn't make friendships transactional or tit for tat...but I also don't believe in going out of my way for people that don't reciprocate. And you barely know her, she just seems like a leech. People that ask for favors so quick give me a bad vibe
Here's the thing, many "friendships" also start with love-bombing. I'm experiencing that sort of thing at my job where it's clear I'm being sort of friend-romanced and it whiffs of ulterior motives (here it's an obvious need for attention and I ain't got neither the time nor the inclination).
As someone who has been on the other side of this dynamic, if she was asking in good faith she would expect you to say no when you don’t feel like it or have time. I will usually jokingly ask people to do things for me early on so I can see if they are willing to say no. If she is trying to be closer friends after you dropped everything to help her she’s trying to take advantage of you. If she didn’t want to take advantage she would have either already returned multiple favors, or stopped asking you for things and not make the effort to be friends. Also if you aren’t asking for anything from her, how is she supposed to return the favor?