Short relationship crashed & burned - pls help

OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. A friend of mine was dumped after ~9 months where the guy made similar shitty comments implying that he hadn’t actually loved her for months (when he’d been saying “I love you” the whole time, introducing her to his whole family, etc). I think this is a retrospective rationalization where a guy feels guilty and confused and immature, and is trying to offer up some excuse and explanation for his behavior. Don’t accept this burden he’s trying to place on you, that somehow you should have known earlier that he wasn’t keen on you. All we can do is act swiftly and self-protectively on the information we have in the present. Give yourself time to rest and recuperate emotionally, and nurture yourself. Do your best not to ruminate on signs you should have spotted earlier. There is a balance between taking away lessons-learned from a breakup, and accepting that the trash took itself out which is not your fault or mistake.

Wow, sorry to hear about that. He sounds like an emotionally immature POS. Sadly, it's quite common for scrotes to claim that they suddenly lost their feelings and even retroactively make it look like they were never that into you in the first place (to protect their egos, I assume). While it can feel like a reflection of your worth, rest assured that it is not. It's not that you weren't "good enough" for him, just that he doesn't know how to sustain a relationship past the initial hormone-driven enthusiasm. He will never feel differently with another woman unless he gets his own act together. I can relate to the fear of that thing happening again, my first boyfriend dumped me in a similar manner so I'm always wary of the "honeymoon phase". I never assume a man really loves me unless he can stay committed past that point. If you're still feeling very raw, you don't need to get back to dating right now. There will be a time where the thought of being dumped again isn't as scary anymore.

i know it hurts. 😢 he's an idiot, but it still hurts.

the last guy i dated (who i slept with waaaay too early on) said the exact same thing: "my heart isn't in it" after lovebombing and just being a regular spazz. to his credit, i put him on a pedestal and forgot to treat myself like the prize, and ignored a red flag when he flipped out over me having an emotion. (hint: the emotion wasn't manic-pixie-dreamgirl-ecstasy, how dare i)

anyway, i saw him twice after he dumped me (both times felt like complete shit, i was ashamed, angry and devastated), but i haven't seen him since, being very careful to avoid where he hangs out.

i THREW myself into training/working out and work. i was on this platform, reading and posting, all the time. it wasn't easy. i felt old and gross. but you know what? it wasn't me. he needed therapy and i was just feeling generous when i decided to open my heart to him. any man would be lucky to get my attention, and you need to remind yourself of the same. do it 3 times a day, like eating.

don't worry about dating yet unless you want to. you'll heal. re-read the handbook, do things to level up. make money. it really works. give yourself everything you desire. or as much as you can, anyway.

hey really really clear on what you want to feel and then feel it as much as possible. you'll survive. and then you'll thrive.

Typical drawn-out pump and dump! Honestly there's nothing for it except to never sleep with a man until he spends a ton of money on you AND you get an expensive engagement ring. This guy was a typical schmuck who used you, as they all do. I have no advice, only solidarity.

Question: did you follow the handbook?

No sex before commitment. Also to avoid pining over some loser you multi-date. Re-read the handbook.

I agree with the drawn out pump and dump comment. He was proabbly keeping his options open the whole time too. He put on a mask to get the reaction he wanted from you, and once he got it, he didn't have any reason to keep it up. I especially got this from the "my previous partners made it easier" keyword easier. (also... partners? is he bi or was it a business arrangement??) So translation: He only puts in enough effort to get what he wants, unless you carry the slack then he might continue to reap more benefits for less effort. And as we always say here, you alone set the bar, they will either meet those excpectations or fall off as a contender. It's absolutely necesarry to only accept queen treatment without giving much, especially sex since men are overwhelmingly opportunistic scavengers when it comes to mating. We must be ruthlesss or we become prey. Of course he should be the insigator... women are the ones pursued, sought after, and beneficial to males just for existing but not the other way around. Do not make anything easy! Either he fancies himself as the prize or is lying about his true intentions, either way he's icky and undesirable for that.

Did he pay for the entire holiday? Was it somewhere nice you wanted to go or just to see his family? Any guy can introduce you to parents as a tactic to fake seriousness and get more emotional investment from you, which translates to sex and your subsequent codependecy for their benefit. It doesnt have as much weight as many women assume it does. Do you think his parents will pester him about what happened to the nice girl they met once? He loses nothing and gains your trust.

I too dated a neighbor once, I was 18 and he was 24 (unfortunately, in hindsight) so of course he wanted me more than I wanted him. He had no problem whatsoever with the seriousness because I was what he wanted. Dont listen to his BS excuses, they go after what they want and that dude never wanted a serious relationship. It has nothing to do with anything you did, except give him what he wanted without enough vetting or expectations. Please dont let him worm his way back because I guarantee he will try after planting that seed of self doubt in you!

I went through something similar earlier this year as well. My short relationship also abruptly ended because he wasn’t feeling it for a couple weeks prior to the break-up and also had “a lot going on” He also lives 15 mins away from me so there’s always a risk of running into him. This relationship also made me realize I want to find a life partner and won’t be settling for less anymore. Honestly consider this a blessing in disguise. You’ll def find someone better. What would have happened if you didn’t communicate with him when you felt something was off? Something tells me he would’ve just strung you along cause it doesn’t seem like he had the guts to end it when he supposedly wasn’t feeling it. Just remember you’re the prize, it’s his loss, he is very immature and passive. A man that knows what he wants will not treat you this way and will not make you wonder if you were enough. Take all the time you need before you put yourself out there. What is helping me right now with my breakup is staying busy and starting new hobbies. Try not to dwell on it as all it’ll do is make you overthink.

Don't have much to add beyond all the great advice already given but just checking in with another show of solidarity. This stuff is so tough to weather and takes a great deal of resilience. I'm quite worn out from it as well. Over my past two years of dating, I only had true feelings for two guys out of the many who pursue me, and they ended up treating me poorly and being quite bad for me, unfortunately, including both telling me they loved me only to take it back or deny feeling that way. That in particular has been pretty traumatizing and still smarts when I think about it. I relate to a lot of what you say and the general feeling of trying to rationalize behavior like this. Meditation and Eastern philosophy have been helpful as well as channeling as much energy into myself as possible. Try to be easy on yourself at this time and furthermore, try to redirect the feelings to feel proud and positive about yourself. Your thoughtfulness and capacity for love are qualities to cherish and the fact that you trusted your gut and spoke up when things didn't feel right is also huge. I would say don't even go on OLD if you're dreading it and still reeling from this situation. Easier said than done I know, but in my experience it only makes things worse when you're in this mindset. I would take a little time. Hang in there and feel free to message me if you'd ever like to chat :)

Yes, no contact. Keep your head high. If you see him, a polite hello, how are you, sorry must dash--keep convos to a minimum.

And this is why we multi date. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Men will just waste your time. Don't put in more effort than them. Remember they need to be chasing YOU not the other way around.

Also--you slept with him? That explains the mask dropping.

Thanks. I find it hard to believe he was so calculating because that's not what my gut is saying. I think it's more likely that he was hoping he would feel more over time and just.. didn't. However, I'm not in my right mind atm.

The partner comment was from me. I found it easier with previous male partners to be affectionate. He said I wasn't affectionate towardw him/he felt he was the one who had to send the good morning' message etc as I would always make him wait.

I lost touch with the FDS principles just before I met him as I was starting to struggle with some key principles in the handbook tbh. So by the time we went on holiday it was a 5050 thing I have a really hard time being paid for as a successful businesswoman. I know this is anti FDS but that's how I feel!

Meals were often paid for by him and I would pay for a round of drinks etc. I think that was another way of keeping him at arm's length.

He was incredibly kind and thoughtful to me prior to two weeks ago. It's all a bit shit because he implied he never really had big feelings for me/I felt like a friend when we broke up. Argh

This sounds like a cheater. When people cheat they don't admit it they just make an excuse to cut it off that it wasn't right. This doesn't sound like losing interest.