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Hi, reupload of my post since I think I put it into the wrong category - apologies if you're seeing this a second time! Also, I'm very new to this so sorry if this kind of post seems annoying. I have no female friends atm and would love some advice.TLDR at the bottom.
A little bit of background, I have recently had a falling out with this guy at my college. We've always had a very flirty relationship - bordering on romantic ever since our first year at Uni. I never was the kind of person who caught feelings when dating men, so when I actually started feeling really strongly for this guy I was plucked.
2 months ago, we had a long talk where I confessed my feelings for him and my desire to try out dating. He was very explosive during this moment, telling me he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship yet. I got hurt but understood, so I distanced myself from him but he came back to beg me to give him another chance while he works on his mental health and his commitment issues. He confessed he always had feelings for me and didn't want to lose me.
Our agreement was that while he worked on himself that we wouldn't go on dates until he was ready. We would text only, act normally around each other at college and work on ourselves individually. I started therapy and put myself out there as I never had many friends and wanted to be more social. He decided to try out therapy which he dropped after 2 sessions (in his defense, his therapist was bad). I was emotionally supporting him through all of his problems and begged him to try other venues for mental health as his declining mental state was worrying me.
During this time we took things very slowly, sometimes we would sext and he would tell me how much this means to him and how he's feeling better and better about actually pursuing this seriously. He used to promise me grand things and I was feeling really good about how this was going until he took a trip out of the country for a week.
He came back from this trip and got plastered the night he came back to his apartment. Texting me how much he hates living in this country and that he's going to move soon. This is not the first time he made plans to move but he would always change his mind about it. I understood his reasoning for wanting to move and he told me once the only reason he's still here is because of me which I quickly shut down and told him to not factor me into these kinds of decisions.
After his drunk night, I texted him asking him to not tell me about his vague plans of moving, as I am aware enough that I'm going to biased towards him staying and that his constant back and forth was stressing me out and would like him to stop and to take my feelings into consideration when going on these random rants. All I wanted him to do was to think before he starts sending me these messages and to not talk about it unless he has a solid plan in mind.
He freaked out on me accusing me of trying to keep him where he was miserable (not true). And how he doesn't understand why I try so hard with him and that he's a walking red flag. He then said he wasn't even sure if he had feelings for me and that me caring this much about him was making him feel awkward.
This obviously really hurt me as he was the one who wanted me to stay and work things out for him and wait until he got better. Before his trip he was gushing over me and as soon as he came back he flipped. He then started to put himself down and that there was no hope for him. That our past together is just baggage and he wishes he could meet me again and start from scratch. When I begged him to at least try talking to a doctor about his self-destructive thoughts he refused.
I feel hurt and used. He started blaming me for putting pressure on him to get better when if he really didn't want to try this with me he could've just left it at a no 2 months ago. I've been very sad about this, as I thought we were doing good and feel disrespected by his lack of appreciation. As I could've walked off months ago but I wanted to try and salvage this as I have really deep feelings for this guy. He makes it seem like I forced his hand when this is what he wanted from the beginning.
I've since been on no contact with him but I still feel like we can work this out as I have never felt this strongly about someone. It might be stupid to think this way but I think in a way I'm afraid I'll never feel this way again. I know him and I feel like he's going to try and come back in some way (even as a friend) but I'm torn on whether I should let him back in or walk away. How do I shake this feeling?
TLDR: A guy who I've had an interest in a while wasn't ready for dating but wanted me to give him another chance so he could get better. Blows up on me when I establish a boundary and then blames for pressuring him to get better. I've never had feelings like these before and I'm scared if I blow this I won't ever feel the same again. Need either a kick in the ass or advice on how to approach this.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I cannot read long posts about complicated bs with specific men. My eyes glaze over and rage begins to boil inside me. I guess mostly because I used to do this -- analyze the shit out of every move a guy made. I wasted YEARS of my life I can never get back, when all I had to do in situations like these (I read the first couple paragraphs here) was nothing. Do nothing to try and make it work, say nothing, put your thoughts elsewhere and focus on your own life. That is the advice I would give OP and my younger self, too. It was actually a younger woman I knew who taught me this. She was in her early 20s (10 years younger than I was at the time) and she just refused to waste her time this way. When something got weird with a guy she just dropped him and burrowed into her studies and things she enjoyed. She ended up with a master's, travelled, and now has a great career and life. She literally hit the "skip" button on men's bulllshit.
This guy sounds like a piece or work. 1) He's stringing you along and you're not having any fun. Forget about him and go have fun instead. 2) You are not invested in each other, youre not even a couple. Dont suffer for a man who hasn't done anything to earn your emotional labor. 3) the only reason he's giving you these pathetic breadcrumbs is because you chased him and you've made yourself convenient for him. It could have been any woman, he doesnt like you for you. 4) Dont be naive: if the roles were reversed, he would NOT do emotional labor for you, let you string him along, or manage your mental healthcare. He would ditch you the very first time you put him in a bad mood. Yet youre letting him put you in a bad mood constantly! You gotta get out of there.
You will never feel like this with a man again. Hopefully!!! He's making you feel confused, off-balance, scared shitless of losing what you have even though it's nothing but drama... This is not love, this is a trauma bond. Yes, this feels exciting and important, but it's really not healthy, nor is it special. Abusive jerks are a dime a dozen. He is not the one and you will have strong feelings for someone else again, in due time, and if you learn to spot the warning signs early, the next person will be a lot better for you.
Read this. Read this again, and again, and again, until you find yourself asking, "Would I do this to someone I truly love? Would I go against someone else when they love me so much and want me to get better?"
When it comes to love, and in order to have a successful relationship, the two people have to come together once they are both already whole from within themselves. From the beginning of this post, you said that you felt lonely and didn't have a lot of friends or a social life. This opens you up to predators, which is very dangerous; they love to sniff out women like yourself who don't have this safety social net behind her to help her out of the relationship once things become incredibly difficult and abusive. It's why they love picking up girls from broken homes and families, too.
When two people who are just halves of themselves come together and think, we can become whole just by being together, that's when shit hits the fan eventually. People cannot complete you. You cannot complete a man, especially like this one who needs professional help and probably locked up somewhere for a while.
I know it's hard and I know you have a big heart. But this guy doesn't deserve you. He's making you feel like everything is your fault, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. You find yourself crying every single day because of this guy. A soulmate, a real one anyway, won't make you sad like this every single day. I promise you that.
I think you should keep on going to therapy, block the hell out of him and most importantly, learn to know what it is like to feel at peace with yourself so that you sense immediately poeple with chaotic energy as soon as they enter your life. Best skill I've ever earned.
Not ready to date YOU. That's the important word he left out. He doesn't like you like that. Men either want you or they don't. Their light is either on or it's off. His is off to you. He's using you as a free therapist and for validation and attention. You deserve so much better than this guy. You're gonna "heal" him up for the girl he truly wants. If a man likes you, he doesn't trauma dump on you. He tries to impress you. Please move on, block him, and date men who actually like you.
You should want to lose this feeling. It’s not love, it’s infatuation and you can’t make rational decisions in this state. I consider having the feeling you’re talking about to be a warning sign.