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I recently cut off my reliable, tidy, loving and hard-working but also whiney, immature and passive aggressive boyfriend who lacks self-awareness (thanks to this community! Everyone else tells me to just take him, there’s no perfect man) and am now on Bumble. Living in Germany (we don’t have any dating culture let alone small talk culture, so the men approaching me are few) online dating seems to be the appropriate thing to do. But it’s a depressing experience. Not only do their boring profiles put me off and many put in a higher education than they really have, they don’t make any effort to reach out on a consistent basis. Are they waiting for me to reach out 50% of the time? I am actually expecting them to initiate contact every day. Is this too high of an expectation? If they don’t reach out for a few days and I start feeling disappoint/ bad, I block and delete inmidiately. Is this too cruel lol?
The other day a guy asked about talking and I texted him I was free (for a video chat) and he responded two hours later he was on the phone with an aunt in Berlin who is tough to hang up on (aka her girlfriends there) so I blocked and deleted immiately. Am I too ruthless to cut them off at my first feeling of „meh“?
No. I vet even stricter now. And the education is why I ask for a full name so I can check LinkedIn.
Perhaps you shouldn't date for a bit. I felt the same exhaustion and anger with men online and quit.
One of the reasons we don't advocate for using OLD is men's laziness. They think they are the prize, and they just want to sit back and let women chase them online. A lot of men won't reach out every day until you are in a relationship. It can sometimes be better not to talk every day, because you might end up with a penpal who just wants to message back and forth and not meet. Imo they should be reaching out every couple of days to check in on you and plan your next date in the early stage.
If you do want to talk every day though, it's absolutely fine to have that expectation. Yes, wait for him to initiate every time. Block and delete whenever and whoever you want, you don't a need a reason! You made the right choice for the video call guy.
No, you're not over-doing it. Keep doing what you're doing. Dating is all about being ruthless at the first sign of incompatibility.
I'm curious about the dating scene in Germany. Have you dated in other countries/cultures? As bad as the dating scene is in the U.S. (where I'm based), it sounds worse for women in Germany because 50/50 culture is the default, whereas in the U.S., at least the concept of 50/50 is a source of lively debate among men.
I'd love to hear about your experiences dating in Germany, if you'd like to share.
Are they waiting for me to reach out 50% of the time?
No, more like 100% of the time.
I am actually expecting them to initiate contact every day. Is this too high of an expectation?
I would be wary of a man who texts you every day who isn't your boyfriend. That's a margin for him to build false intimacy so he feels familiar without having to earn real time with you (i.e. taking you out on dates.) Yes, the men should be initiating EVERYTHING but his texts should be to set up dates with you in a reasonable time frame, maybe 1 or 2 more texts in between setting up the date and the date itself, but not every day if there's no labels, yet.
If they don’t reach out for a few days and I start feeling disappoint/ bad, I block and delete inmidiately. Is this too cruel lol?
Not for you it isn't! You're following your gut and that's great! Dating is supposed to be fun, not a chore or a disappointment. Keep up the good work! Am I too ruthless to cut them off at my first feeling of „meh“?
See above answer to previous question.
Honestly I think you should be quicker to block and delete. Some people get lucky and find their future spouse on apps. I think the majority of people do not. Bumble is the app where women put the first move, right? I don’t know if you have more options in your area, but there might be better options. Since you’ve just gotten out of a relationship, maybe it might be good to take a bit of a break from dating and looking for men to date. De-centering men after a relationship like that can help immensely
Germany is a absolutely terrible for dating lots of coffee date offer walk ins the park men are obsessed with hikes in Germany why would I go on a hike with a stranger . A lot of men in Germany are very emotionally stunted and have issues . 50/50 is rampant women in Germany are also a bit clueless about their value and how much value they have as a woman that’s what I felt living here . Dating scene is not very warm here I know a lot of men in Germany just being with their gf so she can pay half the rent 🙄🙄😵💫