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I have followed FDS since 2020 and having it in my life feels like waking up after being asleep for so long. I now put my needs above all and take better care of myself. I make a point to put the effort that I put into scrotes into myself, and feel much, much better for it. This is non-negotiable for me and I’m much happier for it. I assert myself so much better with friends, family and colleagues; peeling off the people in my life that are a drain on my time and energy has been liberating. However, I can't help but feel awful at how much of a pickme I was in a past life. I sometimes cry when I’m on my own at how much crap I took from people, what I tolerated from men and how I was let down by other pick-mes.
So my fellow queens, how do you cope with moving on from a pick-me past? Do you have any strategies you specifically use? I’m interested in reading what you have to say.
The past can't be changed, you can only learn from it. what you do in the present is set in stone for the future. No matter what you choose your career is your life raft, it doesn't have to be your main focus but you shouldn't let go of it either.
I used to be terrified of men not loving me anymore because my boundaries makes me stuck up but I've learned that men aren't capable of love so if they want to go then I will let them go.
Give yourself a break, and realize you were prob young, ignorant, and exploited. Think about the ways you were exploited and devise strategies to never get exploited in those ways again. Think about how you will respond to similar treatment in present times so you learn from your mistakes.
Self-compassion.
I had to be the one to forgive/soothe myself for what I tolerated.
It sounds like you might not have processed the pain from it all, hence the crying?
Cry it out, let it feel raw. It’s supposed to be like that. That’s the coping, imo- going through it. And when it pops up again, letting it feel painful and more compassion afterwards.
I see self-compassion like a metaphorical 'balm', for pain.
A part of me in those moments needs someone to give me compassion/care/acknowledgment for what I experienced/had to tolerate in my past, and I find that there isn’t a person out there aside from me who knows best how I can give that to myself.
Hope this helps!
Holding on to the past is a sort of self-injurious coping mechanism. I commented on another post about change; it’s a fundamental, unavoidable fact of life, but the discomfort we feel during periods of great change and growth can be overwhelming.
Punishing ourselves for what happened to us, what we allowed, etc is like throwing on a security blanket that reinforces all of our self-limiting beliefs: I’m not good enough for X. I can’t do Y.
As another commented said, it is important to feeling your feelings. You heal by showing compassion for yourself, because in those moments, you are reinforcing positive beliefs: that you deserve to heal and move on.
That said, if you find these feelings popping up when you’re being challenged in some way—maybe it’s a new job or promotion, joining a new hobby, etc—just note that your mind is playing tricks on you. You have come so far, learned so much, and you can trust yourself. What came before doesn’t define you.
Wishing you all the best, xo
Give yourself time to mourn and forgive the past pick-me. The “awful” feeling you are experiencing about your past self can be more precisely coined as the feeling of SHAME. Shame stems from judgement. Unfortunately a lot of us have had experience of being shamed and judged in our childhood and adult hood. Sometimes we internalize the shaming and judgment and it becomes our own voice. Try to work on changing that judgmental internal narrative for your past self. Speak to it in an empathetic and compassionate way. As if that past version of you is your best friend, your sister or your daughter. Be gentle to her, give her grace, forgive her, reconcile with her. Everyone is on a different path of healing. Sometimes when you’re in the deep end of it it seems like the suffering has no end. But remember the bad is always temporary. Be good to yourself, the present and past. Best wishes on your healing journey!
Forgive yourself. Would you make fun of a baby for not running a marathon when she's barely able to walk? Abraham Hicks material really helped me move past the emotional blocks. Search the account Z Zeahorse on YouTube or "Abraham Hicks relationships"