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I met a man this summer whose behaviour matched the standards fds encourages us to have. I posted about it, but deleted after noticing the posts were in the public section and had too much detail.
I was brand new to dating (mid 30’s, but had never dated, had one NVM boyfriend until my early 20’s, since then instinctively avoided getting into anything before securing professional stability). I tried OLD, which seems to be not as awful in my region as it is in other areas described on the forum. But since I was just starting out, I was stigmatising it and was extremely, extremely suspicious. I was extremely closed off. Assumed everything could be a lie, a trap. So I treated this guy the way I would treat a man I would want to stay away and lose interest in me without even noticing I was doing that. This led me to behave in ways I consider LV towards him (two others at the time also met the standards, but he went above and beyond, and the others I was not attracted to at all, or considered not to be compatible, so didn’t meet again). I actually listen to videos or read texts or reread the fds book now and think “holy shit, I was the low value man in this or that instance”.
Idk how he kept meeting me after a certain point, I remember moments when I could see his face drop and his heart break a little when I’d say something shitty. Eventually my behaviour drove him away.
Last time we met (a little over 3 months ago, for an attempt at an explanation of my conduct) I didn’t know how to apologise because I was unaware of what I’d done exactly, he was clearly sad and hurt but didn’t bring it up directly. Looking back I can see, amazingly, somehow, he was still trying to connect that day, and I kept not allowing it.
I feel guilty, and every day for the past ~2 months (I actually think I put myself into a state of limerence btw) I’ve thought I should send an apology. Now that I’ve reflected, I can pinpoint the moments where I hurt him, and could explain what I did and why.
However, I know that I wish he’d give it another try. In that case, I would absolutely accept to meet him again and start things over slowly. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen though.
I haven’t found FDS aligned guidance on how to handle something like this. You make a mistake, you’re inconsiderate, ungrateful, even rude and disrespectful, how do you apologise?
Do I send an apology because I think it’s the right thing to do? Or am I really doing it because I want to correct his perception of me after I myself transmitted a volatile, rude, unreliable version of myself that doesn’t actually exist? Do I want to correct his perception of me because I want him to think highly of me again like he did at first and want to try again? In that case, can it ever be a genuine, disinterested apology?
Or do I do nothing because:
1) no mater the cause, he lost interest, and if he’s not interested, he won’t even really pay attention to my words?
2) sending an apology will take me down yet another step in his perception of me, lower my value in his eyes even further, and interrupt the process of time possibly making him think of me as not an asshole and eliminate the improbable chance of him reaching out to me one day?
PS - sorry for the long winded post, but I have absolutely nobody irl I can talk to about this without them giving me the worst pick me opinion and advice, so I’m sort of bursting, and can’t stop thinking about this (actually let friends and family influence me very early on when I met this guy, and I could have easily let things go back on track if I had told nobody irl about any of my dating experiences, my greatest mistakes happened when I followed their advice instead of doing whatever I intended)
Edit: PPS - Plus, this guy has a name, a nationality, and a view of a certain topic that were such coincidences and aligned with an interest I have on a topic I hope to work on, that I was fully immersed in at the time I met him. I’m a huge skeptic, and even I’m frustrated that “the universe” or whatever put this guy in my path before I knew how to identify good traits instead of only bad traits which I’ve always been scary good at doing very quickly, and before a fully comprehended that I must reject input from friends and family who just don’t understand what a good relationship dynamic looks like
I don’t have any specific advice for this situation, but have you considered getting therapy? You’ve said that you acted in ways that were low value, and don’t know why; it may be a good idea to explore this tendency, and figure out what it is that’s driving it. I know therapy can be expensive and time consuming, so easier said than done, but finding a good therapist in your price range can help you in other areas of your life as well, not just dating. It’s the same reason we say not to date a man who doesn’t have his own mental health in check; you have to get your own house in order before you invite someone else in.
Yes that needs therapist Advice to explore in detail .
This seems like a question to debate with a therapist.
"I myself transmitted a volatile, rude, unreliable version of myself that doesn’t actually exist?"
Well, it seems like it does exist, even if it exists by listening to your friends. The first thing to do is stop taking their advice and do what you need to do.
There isn't actually a right or wrong answer to this: there is only what you can or cannot live with. I think you want him to come back, and as long as you are choosing actions based on this desire then you will be acting like a PickMe.
You screwed up. That's okay, because to err is human, and it's how we all got here. We all had to learn the hard way. Perhaps reframe the question: what kind of person do you want to be? What actions does this person take? How would you behave towards a HVW?
Don't worry about him. How can you grant closure to yourself?