Question about porn use in the past

It's not like if he "only" watches it when he's single, it ceases to be an industry that demeans and exploits women.

So if he needs it whenever he's not in a relationship. That's not good.

My reaction to a guy telling me he stopped using it for a relationship with me would be "don't act like this is a favour you're doing for me."

I'm with DeeLight on putting more importance on how much it shaped him, how much it continues to influence him, and what that says about his character. Not so much on technicalities like "has he ever used it", "does he claim to have stopped", or even "what does he tell you about why he stopped".

He'll drop clues about how much hold it has over him in the way he acts, so getting at the truth requires observation, not taking his word for it.

I just want to reiterate, that a man who doesn't watch porn is not necessarily HV. I have given this example before but my ex Narc NVM never watched porn, but he cheated on me nonstop for 6 years. And I remember him saying something in the early days that was a red flag, but I let slide. He said, "Watching porn is pointless. It's what losers do who have no woman. I'd rather be having sex than watching it." At the time, naive ole me thought he meant having sex with ME, but no, turns out, he was just an extreme HOE, and was screwing anything that gave him an opportunity. Oh and it was both with women and men.. so just saying it's not always a sign of a HVM.

For me, it would depend on how often he was using, how long ago until he stopped, and why he stopped. If his answer is anything other than how disgusting and harmful porn is to women then he’s getting cut loose. Also, if he was a full on porn addict in the past then I could never respect him either. He could easily lie about any of these things, though, so I think it may be up to personal preference how to deal with it.

I’m fairly certain you’d be hard pressed to find a man who’s never watched porn.

What you’ll want to know is if he was addicted to it or not and if it’s something he can not live without or if it’s completely shaped his view of what women need in the bedroom.

Sadly today it’s not uncommon for all of those things to be true for a lot men, and it’s damn near impossible for a woman to know the full scope unless there’s proof.

Vet, vet, vet.

If he 1) decided to quit porn completely and for good, 2) quit because he's horrified by the abuse of women in the sex trade and not for a self-serving reason, 3) did it all on his own BEFORE he met me and not BECAUSE he met me, and 4) didnt already destroy his brain and body by past porn use, then maybe thats alright.

Gotta have all those pieces in play. No Barb the Builder shit. It's not our job to teach men that porn is bad and to coach them in quitting.

My husband discovered early that porn is all really fake and chose not to watch it. He’s much more interested in the real thing, Me!

I think I’d prefer to be with someone who gave up p0rn once they found out it is a very abusive, toxic industry full of r@pe and sex-trafficking. I have met one guy so far who quit for those reasons. I don’t know if I’d like a guy giving up p0rn once he’s in a relationship (or about to enter a new relationship) because there’s a possibility he still might go back, so I think quitting for other reasons is probably better. I don’t think every man has watched p0rn, but

a majority of men have seen it. I think it’s better if a guy quits p0rn on his own terms before entering a relationship with me

People who have never seen porn in their entire lives are so rare, they'd probably have to have grown up without access to the internet and no TV. Even men who quit early have to have tried watching it to know it wasn't for them. So I'd evaluate on a case by case basis. Is he the type who "quits" as soon as he has a girlfriend, but will go back to it once bored (or single)? Is his sexuality affected by his porn use – like ED, using porn language, wanting to perform acts from porn, describing himself as kinky/needing variety? Is he aware of how harmful porn is? That is all going to influence your evaluation. I personally opted for not asking questions around porn use directly because I know that men who know I'm against it will not be honest with me anyway, and also I don't want to know details about porn they watch or don't watch because it just disgusts me. Instead I observe the language they use (pornsick men often use porn terms without even realizing, and talk a lot about sex in general), the jokes they make, the general attitude towards women, and later on of course their sexual performance. My partner passed all these tests, he is a great ally and super "vanilla" so even if he did watch porn it doesn't affect our sex life. Ideally, of course, every man should reject porn because it's morally wrong, but very few people are able to be ideologically puristic in every area of their lives. That said, it's still a valid standard to want a man who makes changes to his life based on morality alone.

It’s hard to find a man who hasn’t at least looked at porn at some point, but I’d rather a man quit porn because he’s learned how abusive toward women it is, and not just because he’s in a relationship now. Because as soon as he’s bored with the relationship (or decides it’s an unreasonable thing to ask of him), he’ll start using it again. It has to be because of his own convictions that he quit.

I think you’ll have a hard time finding a man in this day and age who has NEVER seen it. I still think it’s a red flag if they only watch when single. It doesn’t matter if they stop once they’re in a relationship. But I don’t find it to be a red flag if they’ve watched in the past and stopped on their own for whatever reason.

But just because a man doesn’t watch doesn’t mean he’s HV. So don’t fall into that trap

Society that tells us that watching porn is cool and normal. I know many men who don't like porn, but they did watch it in the past simply because it's a thing that people do in this fucked up society.

I'd say most women watched it too even if just to see what is the hype :/

Sorry but that lowkey scares me. Like porn is exploitative, so now he's saying he will put all his sexual pressures on you now that he's in a relationship? If you get what I mean

Former porn use is not a red flag if they’ve stopped a long time ago and realize the harms of it. I used to be addicted to porn as a teenager because I was exposed to it young so I understand there are men that have the same experience - but only if they’ve actually stopped and not because they’ve gotten into a relationship.

I had this conversation with my male friend a while ago as we were discussing many different topics based on the news, etc. he told me that porn at his age when he was younger was very romantic and vanilla. Women pictured and stuff. He stopped watching porn long time ago before he was 24 I think. He said porn today is completely different. It’s addictive, degrading, abusive and exploits women and children. He is completely against it and he is someone who truly doesn’t check women out. He always says, it’s better not to look. I have to respect myself and my wife first. And it’s true. I went out with them so many times. I never saw him checking out women or starring at them. He genuinely just focuses on the person he is talking to and is out with. I still hate porn and I don’t want it for my son so I’m going to educate my son soon when it’s the right time to not ever consume this stuff because of how unethical it is and not to shame him.

I think it's fine because even us women watched it in the past before we realized it's not so ethical like it's pitched to be. As long as it has been over two years and he never had addiction.