Putting FDS into practice

Hi,

I'm an older woman with 3 grown children. I'm late coming to FDS and I want to relate my current experience and how I made it work for me.

I've recently moved to a new country to participate in a small rural community of artists. It's the first time in a long time that I have moved into a totally new environment. I was full of the promise of making new friends and learning new skills. I wanted people to like me so I could find a place within this small community. There was one group of people that was inviting to me, so I latched onto the welcoming aspects of this group. This time period lasted about six months. Internally I appreciated their acceptance and at the same time struggled with confusion and anxiety. I was hyper vigilant during this time. This state of mind is one that I've operated under during different times of my life. During this time I developed empathy and deeper understandings of these individuals, in general I liked them and wanted to foster deeper connections.

Then, there was an event wherein I needed help. I turned to this group as a last resort. The leader of this group agreed to help me. It was a selfless act on his part and I was deeply appreciative. Before this event there had not been any real interaction between us. The logistics of the event meant that this person had to come to my house and spend the night, then we had to spend about 4 more hours together the next day. Lots of time to get to know each other better, right?

Something happened to me during this time. I suppose I was triggered. I was deeply appreciative to the leader of this group who is also a figurehead of the larger community. I made sure he was comfortable during his stay and we talked about past experiences that formed us in general. During this time was when I experienced my first red flag, it was how he belittled an important dynamic in my life. My reaction was a physical, yet I glossed over it because I really needed his help. Then I spent the whole night tossing and turning in my own bed wondering if he liked me. That dynamic, 'does he like me" played out in my head for the next month. I'm not one to engage in lots of texts or email communication with someone I don't know well, so that was very limited. I should explain that during that month there was no physical proximity, but I was anticipating what might happen between us when I got back to the group. He did not accept my offer of cash for his help. Because my request for help happened in a public setting, I felt I wanted to thank him in a public way as well. I presented him with a nice bottle of wine. To my mind, it was a way to thank him and to offer an opportunity for continued sharing. His response was to thank me privately and to make the request that I continue coming to the public gatherings.

Within a week or two I grew increasingly uncomfortable in these public gatherings. I felt spotlighted by this person. I was confused and anxious and fearful because I felt his public behavior and private behavior were different. I felt that the opportunities I had given for increased connection were not embraced and I felt that my desire for that connection made me vulnerable in these group settings. So being unable to pinpoint the "reasons" I listened and reacted to the chaos in my thinking, and to the anxiety in my body by removing myself from the public settings. I also blocked my communications with this person. I'm making it sound so easy and logical, but it wasn't. I was fearful and confused and could not pinpoint any logical reasoning at the time. I was isolated and could not confide with anyone. The hardest thing was not being able to talk with anyone and the chaotic nature of my thinking. The suggestions from FDS website and podcasts led me to this plan of action.

This withdrawal period lasted 7 months. Gradually I embraced fulfilling my own desires and seeking out a different path forward in this small community. I am continually amazed at how rewarding and surprising that process is and how afraid I was going into it. I prioritized my happiness and treated my inner traumatized child with compassion and understanding. This is the first time I have reacted to a confusing situation in this manner. I wanted to share it with others because I am still so delighted with my progress. If there is hope for me as an older woman I know that there is hope for others. I only wish I would have done this at earlier stages of my life.

The end of this story has also brought me satisfaction. My worst fear was that though I had identified the confusing interactions between us as being good enough reasons to question particular behaviors of his and my own, I was afraid of the feeling of being drawn to him anyway. I was afraid that I would like him anyway in spite of red flags. Just this week I had an unexpected opportunity to be in this groups presence again. I felt safe within the opportunity that was presented to me and when the interactions with this person commenced, I felt independent and secure. Also, I observed the same red flags. A part of me felt validated, but what is most important is that I felt secure in myself and in my own assessment of my own observations. I have empathy for this person, yet am most happy with myself and how embracing FDS principles worked for me.