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Even back in the old days (after we had internet, but before we had the web) I had a bad feeling about "meeting people online." Like nearly everyone else around my age, I do know people who met their eventual spouse online, but that was 10, 20, even 30 years ago. Things are very, very different now.
But even back then, if I'd stopped to think about it, and if I'd had the brains I have now, I would have figured out why I felt slghtly skeeved about it even back then -- and why I am unequivocally against OLD now.
The fact is -- whether we like it or not -- if women put themselves out there as too "available and eager" if they even make an appearance on an OLD site, they are putting themselves at a disadvantage before even saying a word.
Men have NEVER wanted to respect women who are "too available." They claim they want us to show interest, to initiate, but deep down, they know they're supposed to be doing the courting. Heck, if you go far enough back, even if they treat them with basic courtesy, they have pity and disdain for them. Jane Austen (whose descriptions of her society were pretty accurate, judging from other sources) has Mr. Darcy turning up his nose at any "wallflowers" at a dance, saying that he "in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men."
If you're on OLD, you're tipping your hand -- you're showing your vulnerability, just by being there. Don't start out by giving scrotes the upper hand. Don't do OLD.
I don't think this is an unpopular take at all. I point-blank refuse to even consider OLD and I continually advise other women to leave for good as well as preach against it to anyone that will listen. OLD is where men go to put in the absolute least amount of effort for sex/attention/practicing their game. Why on earth would any woman subject herself to that?!
Can't go to the landfill looking for a diamond and think you'll come out of there smelling like anything but garbage.
When FDS was still on Reddit, OLD was strictly advised against. It was more of a "if you absolutely must" type of thing. These days, it seems every other post is about OLD and how to vet men there. I understand where the popularity comes from, but real relationships are not created with minimal investment (aka creating a semi-anonymous profile, swiping on our phones and waiting for a HVM to show up). Maybe it can work, but it's an exhausting numbers game. On the other side of the screen, there is another person who is likely not willing to do any work and is also waiting for their dream person to just pop up on their feed. I'm not saying we should chase men, but rather that we need to be open to meeting people in the real world, and going to places where that is possible. I say if you have to meet people online, join forums and servers for specific interests / hobbies.
OLD doesn’t work for me. 99% of the men are hideous and expect to be ‘accepted as they are’, while the other 1% who are decent looking KNOW this and exploit it by putting ‘not looking for anything serious’ or ‘hook-ups only’ in their profile.
The sad part is many pickmes think they can change these men, and give themselves up easy only to be disappointed. I refuse to participate in that BS.
I begrudgingly tried it again and god it was cringey being back on OLD. Of course nothing good has ever come out of it out of the years on and off wasted on that bullshit. It's so unsafe to be on too.
Nothing but garbage men looking for a free bang. I'm even skeptical of anyone saying they met their HVM on those apps.
I absolutely love this take. I think I’ll save this post in case I ever feel like getting on OLD to remind myself. I’ve also heard the take that men on dating apps are only on there bc they have nothing else going on (not the same for women), which I feel like is true.
I feel like meeting anyone over a swiping type of app is just not a great way to meet people. I tried bumble bff and pretty much everyone I’ve met on there hasn’t really worked out / I keep my distance from them. The people I’ve become friends with irl through hobbies are so much more compatible with me, and there isn’t this forced friendship expectation that exists when you meet other people through a dating app.
yes, I 100% agree. this is perfectly stated. for women, OLD is the equivalent of wandering into an open hunting ground with a big target on your back. you are the prey and all you are doing is making yourself more available to a den of predators and giving them easier access to you. you're completely right that you're putting yourself at a disadvantage and appearing vulnerable just by being there in a way that parallels being the one to approach a man first; men don't see that as something that a quality woman or one with options would have to do, so they will view you as desperate or needy or any number of things and jump all over that eager to exploit you. of course this is stupid and totally unfair, but it's completely a reflection of how they think...and any woman who has the first clue about those realities would indeed never subject herself to that kind of dynamic.
I had sworn off OLD a while ago due to nothing but horrible experiences (ofc) but recently have been pondering it again because I haven't been dating over the past several months, and have no good prospects at the moment, and am finding it very lonely and sucky. but every time I even ponder it I quickly remind myself that no good will come of it and it's not a good idea or use of my time. this post is spot-on and great validation of exactly why that's the case.
I agree that OLD is a waste of time and energy for women. Wading through the putrid sea of gross scrotes is exhausting and disheartening.
But I just want to point out that men who don’t respect women who participate in OLD are not HVM - they’re misogynists, and we don’t want those men. So I think it’s good to keep in mind that both HVW and HVM are a tiny proportion of the population, whether they’re on OLD or elsewhere.
I don't know how to say this, but I feel like HVM have little reason to use OLD. Given how HVM are a minority, it's probably very easy for HVM to attract women irl. For goodness sake even LVM who look decent on paper often have no issues in attracting women. The men who have to resort to OLD to find a girlfriend probably have some characteristics preventing them from finding one irl (e.g. extreme unattractiveness, unemployment, and poor hygiene). Due to the anonymous nature of the internet, OLD also attracts men with ulterior purposes such as fuckboys and scammers.
My gf met a HVM and they have been married for two years and she tells me how she is also so grateful and happy. He is a true man. The thing is, she was on dating apps looking and he was too but they never crossed each other profiles then they occasionally met through a mutual friend and it was funny how they were both looking and on the same dating app. I met him and he is a wonderful guy.
My other gf also met a guy on tinder and they were married within the first year. They were both not into casual hook ups and they were on dating apps for 2 years looking but oddly connected when she was visiting his town as she is 5 hours away from his and that’s how they connected. They are perfect for each other and had were also married within 1.5 years.
I think you can find someone but it really needs a lot of vetting and strict standards and boundaries. In todays society, I don’t have time with my schedule to be going to events all the time or activities.
I work full time, have a child to take care of, an ill mother who I take care of with my siblings plus studying and trying to see my friends here and there and working out daily. It’s not easy if someone is busy and have a full schedule but you really need to love yourself so much to spot everything early on.
Most men on OLD are awful. But life is not a Jane Austen novel. Men don't respect women, period.
Men believe that a woman merely being online dating means she's desperate and that something is wrong with her. That's just how they think. Think about how men believe every 20 year old woman is fucking Chad every night and not giving the "nice" guys a chance? Well, that's how they believe being a woman is, because access to sex is their highest priority. It never crosses their feeble minds that a woman doesn't care that much about sex because we can get it most times easily, and we bear the brunt of the stigma and work of pregnancy. OLD is like rummaging thru the bargain bin at Goodwill.
The number of posts lately that are like, "Dear FDS, OMG online dating is bad! I'm shocked that it is bad." has been too damn high. It's news to no one. It's so boring and annoying I can't take it anymore.
This is not only not unpopular, it's a major undercurrent at FDS. I wish people (in general) would stop asking us "have you tried a dating site?"
Besides, one thing that people overlook is that I don't want to be stuck on a computer or phone "all day," looking at matches or messages. There comes a point, every day, where I'm sick of being on a device and just want to get off of it and either read from a real book or, I don't know...do the dishes? tidy up the kitchen? wash my laundry?
You make some excellent points, and I'm not here to defend OLD.
I'm here to say men in the wild are creepy to the same degree and frequency as the ones on OLD. Men from OLD can be disgusting, as can men from the wild. Pick your poison (or don't).